Monday, September 13, 2010

drugged sleep


i can't drink my milk fast enough
probably because i dont drink milk..
same goes for my bread these days
i force myself to buy gross healthy bread so i can keep my carbs down more so
this makes me just not eat it
and then i just throw the moldiness away

mom, i had a dream I was hanging out with pioneer woman
in her house sitting on the middle of her staircase
her kids were running up and down them
except they were much younger
one of the boys had a green shirt with buttons down the middle
except each button was a different size
i thought it odd
and told her to take a picture of it
and thats all i can remember

today, im sick
but i want to do a 4 mi run sooo bad
instead i'll do photos and homework and school and sleep

yesterday i thought a lot
it was sunday and that's the best day for my thoughts
i had tears in my eyes because a talk i had heard reminded me of my babies that i want to hold
(^^^this feeling has been growing inside me lately. double gulp.)
oh no.
and i really thought about my past and how imperfect i am
and how i wish i could have handled situations differently
and how i can't change it at all


and i realize how very happy i am this day to be healthy and strong and smiley and have an unshakeable testimony of the savior and to have a loving family and to have my camera and to be almost done with school and to not have babies (what a contradiction, i know) and to be headed down the right path

i also realized that i have never truly felt cherished
i certainly feel an overwhelming sense of love from my God, my family, and my sweet friends.
but men don't ever make me feel cherished
no matter how many i love yous slip from their mouths
i feel i give and put all of my efforts to someone and get their left over energy back
then i feel like a dumb girl for being so giving and vulnerable and senseless

it really is a silly process
kamikaze effect

But for the first time in my life
i feel like a queen