drugged sleep

IT CAME!!!

i can't drink my milk fast enough

probably because i dont drink milk..

same goes for my bread these days

i force myself to buy gross healthy bread so i can keep my carbs down more so

this makes me just not eat it

and then i just throw the moldiness away

mom, i had a dream I was hanging out with pioneer woman

in her house sitting on the middle of her staircase

her kids were running up and down them

except they were much younger

one of the boys had a green shirt with buttons down the middle

except each button was a different size

i thought it odd

and told her to take a picture of it

and thats all i can remember

today, im sick

but i want to do a 4 mi run sooo bad

instead i'll do photos and homework and school and sleep

yesterday i thought a lot

it was sunday and that's the best day for my thoughts

i had tears in my eyes because a talk i had heard reminded me of my babies that i want to hold

(^^^this feeling has been growing inside me lately. double gulp.)

oh no.

and i really thought about my past and how imperfect i am

and how i wish i could have handled situations differently

and how i can't change it at all

SO I LET IT GO

and i realize how very happy i am this day to be healthy and strong and smiley and have an unshakeable testimony of the savior and to have a loving family and to have my camera and to be almost done with school and to not have babies (what a contradiction, i know) and to be headed down the right path

i also realized that i have never truly felt cherished

i certainly feel an overwhelming sense of love from my God, my family, and my sweet friends.

but men don't ever make me feel cherished

no matter how many i love yous slip from their mouths

i feel i give and put all of my efforts to someone and get their left over energy back

then i feel like a dumb girl for being so giving and vulnerable and senseless

it really is a silly process

kamikaze effect

But for the first time in my life

i feel like a queen