Saturday, February 1, 2014

on wearing clothes.

ive had a repeated thought.

maybe everyone experiences this to some degree, maybe others are smarter than I and bypass it--
but some time when i was a teenager it took me some time, some experiences before i realized it is not COOL to cuss.
do you remember this?

it took me some time to realize that drinking actually isn't cool at all.  it's many other things.

it has taken me more years than i would like, to realize that sex isn't cool.  it's scared.  and it is really something i still have to work on to know that sex, intimacy, or anything physical at all, is not where my worth comes from.

it took me some time to realize that it really isn't better or cool or more sexy to dress immodestly.  i began dressing more and more modestly as i investigated the church and became a member.  i didn't dress that way as a teenager.  i wasn't a bad girl, but i didn't dress modestly.  and i got attention for my legs or abs from being athletic.  and that felt good. i felt like my hard work paid off on my body, and i was proud to like my body.
then as i became a member, i didn't quite understand modesty or the reasons why it was important, but i did it anyway.  i tried to be as obedient as i knew how to be.

and i just realized something this month--
sex, my body, my feelings of self worth, the way men express love, my insecurities, my natural comfort level---are all a little bit messed up from my experiences in the past.

they are messed up.  i can read books and talk logically about how i know its messed up, but it doesn't change that it is.  so im working on that.

and i think andy is the best thing for me.
for literally the first time in my life, i don't feel like my man wants a girl with big boobs.
i don't feel like my man is wishing i looked different.
i don't feel like he wishes my skirt was shorter, or my top cut lower.
i KNOW he likes when i am modest.
when im not showing too much skin.

i adore this about andy.  he likes me most with less make up, clothed right, simple hairstyles.  i don't have to look like a celebrity/porn star to get my mans attention.
i honestly have not felt that way before with other men.
and how grateful i am for andy.  what a good man i have.

and honestly it feels like the weirdest (and most awesome) thing.
when i am getting ready to go see him, i never feel like i have to try to win his love by showing off my body. i actually am more conscious about NOT being immodest because i know he prefers it.  and i love that.
  he loves me just the same in sweats and a tee.

so finally, after 27 years. i am beginning to see how i dress, differently.
my sisters tease me that i dress like a grandma.
and yes i wear sleeves on everything. and nothing is lacey see through.
and nothing is too short on my belly or legs.
and i feel better!
i feel more beautiful.
i feel better about myself.
i feel like im loved for me and not for what my body looks like.

i feel like a womans value increases as she dresses appropriately.
we don't have to unconsciously beg for love or attention or acceptance by showing skin.

and if men in our lives don't love that.  drop em. find someone that respects and loves that you are modest and beautiful for so many other reasons.