Monday, March 30, 2009

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

i promise, im on it

yesterday i walked by a boutique in lost gatos. there were handmade little baby booties. it made me swoon. i fell in love with little pink sequin ones, and little girly green ones with a tiny strap.

later that night as i slept i had a baby.
for some reason i blurred through the "give birth" part.
suddenly it began with my baby girl in my arms for the first time.

i didn't feel sad, until i woke up, and realized that i didn't have a husband in this dream.
i was a single parent. but there was a female with me. it was my sister, kristy, but she didn't look like herself. she looked kind of like my mom but mexican.
it was all so strange.
but kristy sat by my bed side and i cried as i held my daughter.

her name is bella.
immediately i breast fed her, which is super weird to first be experiencing in a dream.
it kind of hurt, but i was overwhelmed with joy. i couldn't take my eyes off my baby girl.

then she became the biggest poopy mess on the planet. i started throwing dirty diapers across the room. not angrily, as that may sound. but more laughing and happily changing my newborn's pants.

she looked up at me, suddenly months old, with bright blue eyes and giggled.
i was the happiest i have ever been. in real life or dream. accept for maybe the dream i had when my dark haired husband spoke to me about going sailing on our wedding day.

that was also incredible happiness.
these kinds of dreams make me real excited to go to bed tonight.

i had a bit of a scare with my dad tonight. i thought something was wrong with him. like emergency wrong. like in danger. it was a weird phone call. apparently i overracted but i was crying. and i'd just like to say that there is nothing more important in life than the precious and sweet people around you. i know how quickly and easily these people can pass before us. time should be spent to nurture these relationships as much as possible. i knelt in prayer almost immediately. i have so many people to be thankful for.

goodnight lovely friends.

Monday, March 23, 2009

see you through

im a happy dancer tonight.

i caught my reflection in the kitchen window dancing to my new favorite band as i raided the freezer. i just made myself a ginormous (which i just asked myself if thats a real word, and i realized that its giant and enormous put together. i never realized that. idiot. dang.) so here i am overdosing on chocolate. ginormous bowl of chocolate ice cream, dark [which i hate, but lacked options] chocolate syrup, 3 double stuft oreos, and the added measure of a thick cool whip dallop.

what a sunday evening delight.

i have a thought.
in the new book i am reading this woman is discovering herself. shes in italy and some slick handsome hairy italian fella says that every place and being radiates a word. he says Rome's word is SEX. rightfully so. i am dying to go to italy. lust. the american woman says that New York's word is ACHIEVE. Los Angeles=SUCCESS. Naples=FIGHT. The woman tries to consider what her word is. She says it use to be DEPRESSION. She knows her word definitely isn't MARRIAGE. She says its a toss up between SEEK and DEVOTION. So i set down my book for this ice cream extravaganza in mah mouth to consider this.

What is your word?
She explains that it is something that you feel with your whole being.
Your happiest home, the root of your soul.

I think my word for this time-- for this free, colourful, inventive chapter of life--is the pencil tip tracing of a star. some cross between PASSION, HOPE, SERVE, STRENGTH, and CUPCAKES.
i think nothing feels more perfect than the word CREATE. may be the theme of my being.
im engulfed in creating.
i sat downt the other day, alone, and so very happily painted. and when it needed to dry for the next piece, i made my buddy matthew a bracelet. then i made myself a blueish one to remind myself to invent. and then i wrote in my journal. all the while, listening to music that makes me wiggle my shoulders.

and although i have been creatively inspired in ways that keep my mind constantly reeling with bliss-- i mean CREATE in every possible formulation of the word. i mean creating new memories. i mean creating new words. i mean creating laughter where there would be silence. i mean creating good habits. i mean creating stronger arm muscles. i mean creating ways to make other people happy. i mean creating new ways to sign my name. i mean creating better bowling scores. i mean creating time to do the things that make me smile from the center of my very heart. and i mean create, like like i want to paint a mural on the hills next to my house-to have it washed with the rain, so i can create myself again the next day.
and then lay in it.

Along the lines of this CREATE craze, i have some thoughts about "creating one's self". which, the phrase, is on my cell phone as a daily reminder to do so. I recently wrote in my journal about how [and this is something that i wrote a lot about when i was in high school] people conform for others. for what their bf/gf want them to be, for what their parents push them to be, for especially what media and society overwhelm them to become. and so many people fall for this. its very cunning craftiness. as i have been spending time with different friends lately, i see how easy it is to kind of mold into whatever fits with that person. which in turn makes me forget about nourishing an aspect of my life that i truly love, and brings me happiness, and is a large part of who i am. i see a lot of people that forget to invent themselves for who they decide to be, not what their environment wants them to be, or what they THINK their other/friends/parents/president/employers wish they were. you have a gift- to create yourself-to be exactly what you want, and love. i think most of this happens when you start dating someone. and i think this is mostly why i am the happiest single lady alive.

i realize who i am. what i want to be. and i am moving with an enthusiastic pace toward those goals, loving every detoured stepping stone on the way. i am rich with independence and nothing has ever been so healthy to report. now my ice cream bowl is empty. leaving my stomach full. i have to return a dear friend's phone call. here i will leave my other, other delicious treat of the day:

"Then shall thy light break forth as the morning, and thine health shall spring forth speedily: and thy righteousness shall go before thee; the glory of the Lord shall be thy rereward. Then shalt thou call, and the Lord shall answer; thou shalt cry, and he shall say, Here I am...And the Lord shall guide thee continually, and satisfy thy soul in drought, and make fat thy bones: and thou shalt be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters fail not." -Isaiah 58:8-11

Sunday, March 22, 2009

parla come magni

without this emotion, we are only robots.

Friday, March 20, 2009

the nostalgic ways

My friend, and apparent author, Drew Kosel, and I had a super sunny shoot downtown last week. Drew is in the process of publishing an accounting book for this summer. He needed some images to correspond his marketing and such. I am very excited for his accomplishment and enthusiasm toward his work!

to view more of Drew's images click ME

Life has been busy lately. and rewarding.
my body became stress free at the point in which i went to my beloved auto mechanic today.
i went to get a quote on what he would charge to fix my mirror of my new car.
in 2 seconds he popped it into place and replied, 'as good as new'

well lovely.
tears welled up a little when i drove home. and i know that sounds awful girly. and awful menstral of me. but i couldnt help to think that God loves me so much.
while i have been slightly stressed, i am seeing little venues of joy and mercy in the gifts He gives me, even if in the fine detail work of life.
i'm smiling all the day long.

boy one says: my life is missing something
boy two says: i know it sounds cliche, but this too will pass
boy three says: i hope you know that your friendship is invaluable to me
boy four says: you have the best laugh ever and i makes me sad i went a whole year without hearing it
boy five says: you should fold yourself into a pretzel position and go to sleep
boy six says: excuse me miss
boy seven says: double coupon mondays are the worst
boy eight says: color me excited
boy nine says: He'll make everything else fall into place

and to all my dearest friends: i say,
sanity is living outside your head.
happiness is your choice.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

everyone that loveth

"Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great." -Doctrine and Covenants 64:33

Friday, March 13, 2009

in a grain of sand

saints and cruises dwell

the spotless mind

i think somehow you remember your dreams more often, if, while you are awake, you think about wanting to remember them.

this morning i dreamt i was with you.

we were getting away. in a wooded area. you notice the fresh smell. pine trees.
how much cleaner it is away from the congestion of our freeways.

we were at a cottage. it was vintagely cluttered. there was a wire, round birdcage.
faded blue walls, yellow accents. a lady was showing us around. a different white haired, city-rooted, woman was trailing us around the home. she seemed to have a puzzled expression. so i whispered to her, "it is a bed and breakfast." she vanished immediately. i wore a daisy floral skirt. the air was light, the freedom of vacation. we walked down a stoney path, someone was trying to sell us something. i naturally went to grab your hand and remembered to pull it back in time. the bird in the cage was singing. the cottage owner smiled at us and waved.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

the tunnels all around me

{time together is just never quite enough
when you and i are alone i've never felt so at home
what will it take to make or break this hint of love
we need time, only time
when we're apart, what ever are you thinking of
if this is what i call home, why does it feel so alone
so tell me darling do you wish we'd fall in love
all the time}

which is one of the sweetest songs sung.
so maybe i should hustle books for a living. im promoting The Alchemist this evening.
probably one of the utmost inspiring books i have ever read.
and it rings true in every aspect.
its an adventure and wisely written and forces you to be positively introspective.

i have been cultivating my thoughts on the subject this past week. im so glad i read this book, because the thought of DREAMS is something that i just wasn't thinking about. so i would love to expound on the main topics covered concerning dreams.

"To realize one's destiny is a person's only obligation."

the author, paulo coelho, states, "What is a personal calling? It is God's blessing, it is the path that God chose for you here on Earth. Whenever we do something that fills us with enthusiasm, we are following our legend. However, we don't all have the courage to confront our own dream.
There are four obstacles. First: we are told from childhood onward that everything we want to do is impossible. We grow up with this idea, and as the years accumulate, so too do the layers of prejudice, fear and guilt. There comes a time when our personal calling is so deeply buried in our soul as to be invisible. But it's still there.
If we have the courage to disinter dream, we are then faced by the second obstacle: love. We know what we want to do, but are afraid of hurting those around us by abandonng everything in order to pursue our dream. We do not realize that love is just further impetus, not something that will prevent us going forward. We do not realize that those who genuinely wish us well want us to be happy and are prepared to accompany us on that journey.
Once we have accepted that love is a stimulus, we come up against the third obstacle: fear of the defeats we will meet on the path. ...Then, we warriors of light must be prepared to have patience in difficult times and to know that the Universe is conspiring in our favor, even though we may not understand how. ...I ask myself: are defeats necessary?
...The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.
So why is it so important to live our personal calling if we are only going to suffer more than other people?
Because, once we have overcome the defeats--and we always do--we are filled by a greater sense of euphoria and confidence. In the silence of our hearts, we know that we ar proving ourselves worthy of the miracle of life. E ach day, each hour, is part of the good fight. We start to live with enthusiasm and pleasure. Intense, unexpected suffering passes more quickly than suffering that is apparently bearable; the latter goes on for years and, without our noticing, eats away at our soul, until, one day, we are no longer able to free ourselves from the bitterness and it stays with us for the rest of our lives.
Having disinterred our dream, having used the power of love to nurture it and spent many years living with the scars, we suddenly notice that what we always wanted is there, waiting for us, perhaps the very next day. Then comes the fourth obstacle: the fear of realizing the dream for which we fought all our lives.
Oscar Wilde said: 'Each man kills the thing he loves.' And it's true. The mere possibility of getting what we want fills the soul of the ordinary person with guilt. We look around at all those who have failed to get what they want and feel that we do not deserve to get what we want either. We forget about all the obstacles we overcame, all the suffering we endured, all the things we had to give up in order to get this far....This is the most dangerous of the obstacles because it has a kind of saintly aura about it: renouncing joy and conquest. But if you believe yourself worthy of the thing you fought so hard to get, then you become an instrument of God, you help the Soul of the World, and you understand why you are here."

This was an excerpt from the introduction of The Alchemist. The story is amazing. It is about a boy that travels and experiences these obstacles, and comes to know his personal legend.

"If what one finds is made of pure matter, it will never spoil."

" 'Why do we have to listen to our hearts?'...'Because, whereever your heart is, that is where you'll find your treasure.' "But my heart is agitated...It has its dreams, it gets emotional, and it's become passionate over a woman of the desert...' "

" 'Then why should I listen to my heart?' ... 'Because you will never be able to keep it quiet. Even if you pretend not to have heard what it tells you, it will always be there inside you, repeating to you..' "

The message is: the universe will conspire to fulfill your most righteous and passionate desires. you have the innate power to have all things, whether good or evil, become a reality.
so what are your dreams?

i see people around me that are geniously talented and gifted. i think of a friend will the most beautiful voice, a friend that is an artist, and friend that is a musican. they have allowed worldly obstacles prevent them from their dreams. let go.
sell off all your land and travel the world if thats what you're made to do.
im excited. im enthused. im passionate. i have been fulfilling some of my sweetest dreams.
i see people that are locked in the 9-5 job that they hate. i see people that do the exact same thing everyday. i see people that never smile, or laugh, or dance. i see people that have no dreams left in them. how many adults do you know that have dreams? that are pursuing those dreams?
probably not many, if any.
how many children do you know that have dreams? that believe and are aiming for these dreams?
probably every child you can imagine.
it seems the obstacles build on our shoulders as we endure trials of life. we don't knock them down, get up and begin the trek toward the light of our dreams. we let them cloud our vision, disrupt our dreams.
dreams don't have to be lost like the innocence of our childhood.
adults dream too.
i dream too.

if you want to borrow my copy please give me your address and i would love to send you the book.

-cause my blood cells can not depend on the weather in photographs, theres a light show out my window, some where, way up there...i am so far out of place watching those stars in outter space, cause i am so far from where you are-

Sunday, March 8, 2009

the world is round and thus i am

its a glamorous sunday
im listening to bjork
i got a run in
church in
family in
good friends in

and now i am going to paint tonight
and i have some ideas. im really into the theme of the word create. so in preparation, im going to study my scriptures on create, and not just THE creation, but all references.
and i think i want to paint, but also use charcoal and my watercolor pencils. i think i will buy another canvas later this week too. and i want to use the color yellow.

the word of the week: fulfilling
the thought of the week: dream [how to follow your dreams, how to dream, how to not let the 9-5 diminish your dreams]
the food of the week: peanut butter chocolate covered girl scout cookies
the sound of the week: minus the bear
the toenail polish of the week: pink
the number of miles of the week: 12
the book of the week: the alchemist

Thursday, March 5, 2009

my sweaty wrists

there is an old lady in the corner most pocket of her grass.
squirt bottle in hand. she is hunched over. i think this must be killing her as i think about the pain in my lower back as i jog. the lady does not move. her gray hair falls over her face. i don't know if she is pretty. or was. she is fixated on the smallest little weed in the smallest part of her yard. she won't stop drenching it.

the scene ends when i run out of sight.
i look down at the gravel smearing by. the tight burn of my quads come to mind and i decide to look up. i look up even more and soak in the most righteous blue sky.
the clouds are a fluff of pure white.
they're rounded and bubbly like in the photos.

i take in the tree just yards ahead of me. i think of how hard i would laugh if every leaf and every pokey ball on that tree would fall on me as i ran under it.
as if my left tennis shoe would trigger the button to release.
i giggle at the thought.

i think of using the word acute in describing something with that lady with the squirt bottle.
i think of how much i love that word. acute. i don't use it enough.
it makes me think of another A word. Adjacent. i like that one too.
i remember learning the word adjacent in 6th grade vocab.
i love vocabulary.
i love writing
maybe this is why. and when i read i love new words. i love reading the sentence and having to figure out what it means.
and hopefully not having to refer to wiki.
which makes me think of turn tables.
which makes me think of fruit.

its mile 6 and i lengthen my stride to get this over with.
i consider the song in my ears. "she says i want you, just exactly like i use to. cuz baby this is all only bringin me down"
i think that i could pull a forest gump. i think, i've always wanted to go to seattle. so i push forward. i smile. i realize that my mouth is closed and i dont have to gasp for air. i realize im in better shape than i figured.
but instead of running due north to seattle, i hang a left at the gas station.

and again, there is the oldest lady i have ever seen standing on her 3x5 porch. she is staring into a flower pot. she is so close to the flower pot. the grumpiest, most sad face. i bet she just wishes the flower would grow. as if her angered stares would make a difference.
i smile again at this.

i collect the spit in my mouth and turn to the side. somehow it finds its way down my shirt. and i silently curse.

right now my sweat is about to give me the chills.
the point of this was to share a clip from the book i just finished reading.
the most amazing book ever.
im so in love with it.
i am also really sad that it had to end. i wish it would go on forever.
its the kind of book that has the most fabulous one liners. i am going to read through it again and highlight it. note the words i love. i could make the best cut up poem.

SO heres the clip::

With my eyes closed, I ask if she knows how this will all turn out.
"Long-term or short-term?" she asks.
"Long-term," she says, "we're all going to die. Then our bodies will rot. No surprise there. Short-term, we're going to live happily ever after."
"Really," she says. "So don't sweat it."
I look at myself getting older in the heart-shaped mirror.
A sign goes by the window saying, Drive or Stay Alive.
A sign goes by the window saying, Speed Checked by Radar.
A sign goes by the window saying, Lights On for Safety.
Fertility says, "Can you just relax and let things happen?"
I ask, does she mean, like disasters, like pain, like misery? Can i just let all that happen?
"And Joy," she says, "and Serenity, and Happiness, and Contentment." she says all the wings of the Columbia Memorial Mausoleum. "You don't have to control everything, " she says. "You can't control everything."
But you can be ready for disaster.
A sign goes by saying, Buckle up.
"If you worry about disaster all the time, that's what you're going to get," Fertility says.

just made muffins. in mah mouf.

and this is me playing photographer. i brought my pet fish to the show. hear the jams. above is The Honey Trees. their music rocks. and i dont normally like chic singers, but she is rad. she is also an artist and i bought one of her prints. cool man.

to check out the rest of the images from that show please visit desiredshotsphotography

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

the ya ya sisterhood

this is me. and below are my sisters. we set out in the rain one lovely sunday to shoot in our dresses. it was a joyous occasion til i started yelling, "just F-ing pose!!!" cuz my gear was gunna get wet. needless to say- it was pretty, even if we left the cute red umbrella out in the mustard =] i love my lil sisters.

Monday, March 2, 2009

my dream told me this

friendly fires
to the heart
the organ i hear
faintly it sounds

i wrote a letter to you
the coincidences i just now realize
i was holding my breath
so i let it go
and maybe you

still virtue in my eyes
gleams in me and fades through you
as i try to be more intune
my voice, it's pitch, jumps off the page
my choice of words, drained with the rain
my organs, off beat, are clenched

so i wait forever. and forever
is what you're doing to me
and the fire that i thought was friendly
was shot so far away
and maybe i see it now

just in time to find it all-
if i turn upside down
you're right side up and about to fall

because i cant sleep until i write

p.s. when i run- i write the coolest poetry in my head. my mind is mean like that. waits til i have absolutely no pen or paper around. then it just starts spewing off the most beautiful things at a rapid pace. its really fun, but also frustrating. the end.

i went without being stressed for a long time. maybe over a month of no REAL crazy stress like i normally find myself submerged in.

but today, im burdened with some stress. so i lit a candle.
and i still feel weight on my shoulders.

i think it was the minor car accident i got into last night with my newly purchased vehicle.
and the fact that sj flippin state isnt accepting transfers til spring '10. jerks.
and my love life is the butt of so many jokes that im not even cracking.
and i think it was how i didnt get to go to church today because my family got together for my lovely lovely grammies birthday.
mostly im cranky. it doesnt matter why.

BUT i had a rockin time with my sisters on a shoot this morning [photos to follow in a later post] AND the book that i am reading blows my mind. but still i feel something hallowed out. maybe its my blank canvas sitting across the room, staring me down. [and "hallowed out" just made me imagine an old guy with a long beard carving a wooden doll 'me', coraline syle... nevermind. im crazy]

my buddy, andy, created a masterpiece of all masterpieces. i don't think he reads this, and i am hoping its ok that i share this beautiful piece of art...but this is what inspires me to be a better person, a more creative mind, a less by the book kinda gal, and increasingly more articulate artist. andy rocks.
he says im in line for one of my very own personal andypants warhols. and i can't wait.

this blog is mainly a rant. so feel free to check out the super rad image and bounce.

truths that i have learned [and of course these are things that i have summed up while running endless miles]:

+ i talk and laugh louder everyday and its starting to annoy me
+ i am hanging on to hope for deer life. my grip is wearing thin. i mean loosing strength.
+ really, no one cares if you're unhappy
+ you can always run harder and faster and longer than you think you can
+ i have to have music every 3-4 hours
+ candles are necessary
+ having a pet fish is just annoying
+ it is not possible for me to lower my standards
+ i have so much to be thankful for
+ soccer is the utmost fun
+ i have to create or i will just die. haha
+ my parents arn't superheroes
+ boys are dumb and always will be
+ the passions of my heart will always win
+ you can't mold human flesh. thats why clay cartoons are better. gumby n junk.
+ dancing is the ultimate release
+ helping someone else is the most efficient way to be happy
+ art is taking over my life

Here's another random thought. [im a mess tonight]
A couple weeks ago I read an article in the ensign titled, the blessing of the blackberry bush.
to sum it up, a womans child gets stuck and hurt in a blackberry bush. he is pricked and pained by the thorns. but the mother sees that beyond the blackberry bush, there is a swimming pool where--if her young child would have made it past the bush--he would have drown. this is a parable that i have never thought of before.

its an incredibly important perspective to have. im sure each of us can think of very personal and specific times in our lives where we feel pain [or insert whatever negative feeling here..], whether a big event or a small instance. im sure that many times, we think why is this awful thing happening to me?! i read this article on a day that i needed it most. i was feeling upset. hurt, about a situation. and i quickly realized that God has let me hurt just this little bit {which i percieve has being great since i know nothing else}, to protect me from a greater destruction. just like how the young boy had to be hurt in the thorny blackberry bush, to be saved from drowning in the pool. i too have to endure these trials and obstacles that save me from a greater pain. i even got in that accident last night with my car, and i was super pissed, but i came home and laid on the floor and thought: it could have been so much worse. what if i was being protected from some drunk driver going through the next light, etc.

needless to say, i will be more patient. less selfish.
my trials and hard times may seem huge at the time, but they are truly so small in the grand scheme of things. i am being led and protected by a merciful God.
these things are true, and wonderful. it is great to feel the depth of my heavenly fathers love for me, especially in uncertain times.

my goal for tomorrow is to help as many people i can, in as many way as i can.
the quest for camelot.

i feel like i am talking into an empty room.
but with a computer and keys, and gray walls.
nevermind. i have to sleep.