Friday, September 27, 2013

im not your exgirlfriend

i've woken up.

i have spent the past couple of weeks contemplating my self worth.
perhaps less eloquent sounding.
i've, more so, been wallowing in feeling of little worth.
ive asked myself why.
and its for several reasons.
only one of which is of fault of my own: that i have distanced myself from God.

it was slow and gradual. and it was through not doing the seemingly "little" things that may be disguised as too simple, or insignificant.
but thats a lie.

i am not your ex girlfriend
i am not the girl in the pornography clips
i am not the blonde, long haired beauty on the magazine cover in the grocery store
i am not size two, i am not even a C cup
i am not tall or proportionate
i am not always selfless
i am not the most paid or the smartest girl in the class
i am not the best singer or baker
i am not the most righteous and giving
i am not perfect

and im not sorry

i am in control of myself
i am a runner and a sister and a missionary and a hard worker and a creator 
i am able to make myself happy
i am flawed
i am tan and overly proud of being barely italian 
i am in love with wes anderson films, moved by great musicians, and captivated by gorgeous places in nature
i am honest
i know where to turn for help, for direction, for strength
i am going to be an amazing MOTHER
i am smart and strong and stable
i am real
and yeah, i poop and fart and burp
i have a good heart, talents that can help others, and im trying to be better everyday
i am a disciple of Jesus Christ
i am happy with simple things
i am trying
i am a good girl
and i have so much love to give one good man

I am pretty f ing alright.
and i only want to be loved for who I REALLY AM
for me
for desiree
for my flaws
my weakness
my awesomeness
my testimony
my love
my heart
all of it.

the real me.

i can do hard things
and perhaps 
just maybe
its always darkest before the dawn

Monday, September 9, 2013

a day at a time

have you ever been at a point in your life when you said, i just cant do this?
have you had a day (or days??? ugh) when you didnt know how you could get through the day?
when you knew you couldn't do it on your own?

it was like this when chad got sick.
it was like this when i went through my divorce.
when i went through a handful of significant and necessary trials over the course of the following years.
and i am thankful that i have been healthy enough and blessed enough with knowledge of where to turn.

i know that DAILY the Lord commands us to remember him.
how do you do this?

i am grateful. so so so very thankful for the journey ive been on the past 26 years.
im in love with my family and my talents and skills, for the opportunities ive been given, for the places ive seen, for the sweet people in my life, for my passions, for the body that can run, and for all of my heartaches.
im grateful that Jesus Christ has made it possible for me to be whole, to be complete
i know that the Holy Ghost can be close and dwell within me when i seek it DAILY

and this is my new goal.
to practice my dailies of nurturing my DAILY connection with my Savior