Tuesday, December 17, 2013

"Do material possessions make us happy and grateful? Perhaps momentarily. However, those things which provide deep and lasting happiness and gratitude are the things which money cannot buy: our families, the gospel, good friends, our health, our abilities, the love we receive from those around us." - Thomas S. Monson

Wednesday, December 4, 2013


"There is a serious need for the charity that gives attention to those who are unnoticed, hope to those who are discouraged, aid to those who are afflicted. True charity is love in action. The need for charity is everywhere." - Thomas S. Monson

Saturday, November 30, 2013

gratitude give me

a thought i recently had…

Why would God bless you
if you have not noticed, or been appreciative of,
blessings that he has already given you?

you and i wouldn't keep giving awesome gifts to someone that threw them aside or took them for granted… right?

it seems there is power behind being grateful.
i have so much i need to be more grateful for.

life is good.

Friday, November 8, 2013


during institute this week we spoke for some time about preparing ourselves. for trials, for marriage, for when the Savior comes, for death, etc.

when we spoke of death, we talked about things we would do before we passed on. on my piece of paper i wrote, express love to all of people i needed and wanted to. my family, my close friends. perhaps individual letters.

and then the teacher mentioned something very interesting and important.
so often our perspective of death--we want for ourselves and others for it to pass very quickly. some people say, they just randomly don't want to wake up one day.   right?
and this is because of our fear of PAIN right?
perhaps pain isn't the worst thing in the world?
the teacher said, what a blessing it is for those of us who get a warning.   for those of us who get sick, for those of us who get injured and get some time.
TIME to do those things we want to do last minute.
time to say goodbye.
to kiss and hug and express love.

i've never thought of it that way before...

what a blessing.
what a gracious God.

if being afraid is a crime,
we hang side by side

Monday, November 4, 2013


“I want you to tell me about every person you've ever been in love with. Tell me why you loved them, then tell me why they loved you. Tell me about a day in your life you didn't think you’d live through. Tell me what the word “home” means to you and tell me in a way that I’ll know your mothers name just by the way you describe your bed room when you were 8. See, I wanna know the first time you felt the weight of hate and if that day still trembles beneath your bones. Do you kiss your friends on the cheek? Do you think that anger is a sincere emotion or just the timid motion of a fragile heart trying to beat away its pain? See, I wanna know what you think of your first name. And if you often lie awake at night and imagine your mothers joy when she spoke it for the very first time. I want you tell me all the ways you've been unkind. Tell me all the ways you've been cruel.Do you believe that Mary was really a virgin? Do you believe that Moses really parted the sea? And if you don’t believe in miracles, tell me, how would you explain the miracle of my life to me? And for all the times you've knelt before the temple of yourself, have the prayers you've asked come true? And if they didn't did you feel denied? And if you felt denied, denied by who[m]? I wanna know what you see when you look in the mirror on a day you’re feeling good. I wanna know what you see in the mirror on a day a day you’re feeling bad. I wanna know the first person who ever taught you your beauty could ever be reflected on a lousy piece of glass. If you ever reach enlightenment, will you remember how to laugh? Have you ever been a song? See, I wanna know more than what you do for a living. I wanna know how much of your life you spend just giving. And if you love yourself enough to also receive sometimes. I wanna know if you bleed sometimes through other people’s wounds. And if you dream sometimes that this life is just a balloon that if you wanted to you could pop—but you never would because you’d never want it to stop.”
― Andrea Gibson

i ate the last of my girl scout cookie stash tonight.
and despite how dreadful that truly is,
i am grateful my heart could love someone so wonderfully.
from the deepest parts of my desires. i want to know what he thinks.
i want to know what he dislikes, what he worries about, what makes him happy.
i want to hear all of his memories and hear his voice.
i want to trace his hand writing and laugh over exaggerated stories.
i want to cry with him and ache for his pains.
i want to shelter him and protect him.
i want to make him lunches with his name on it with a treat inside.
i want to love him every single day.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

what material i have

I tried to calculate today, how much time I would count as "wasted" in a given day in my life..

"Today is here.  I will start with a smile, and resolve to be agreeable.  I will not critisize.  I refuse to waste my valuable time.
Today has one thing in which I know I am equal with others--- Time.  All of us draw the same salary in seconds, minutes, hours-- 24 Golden Hours each day.
Today I will not waste my time, because the minutes I wasted yesterday are as lost as a vanished thought. 
Today I refuse to spend time worrying about what might happen.  I am going to spend my time making things happen. 
Today I am determined to study to improve myself, for tomorrow I may be wanted, and I must not be found lacking.
Today I am determined to do things I should do. I firmly resolve to stop doing the things I should not do.
Today I begin by doing and not wasting time.  In one week I will be miles beyond the person I am today.
Today I will not imagine what I would do if things were different. They are not different. I will make a success with what material I have.
Today I will stop saying 'If i had time', for I never will 'find time' for anything-- if I want time I must take it.
Today I will act toward other people as though this might be my last day on earth. I will not wait for tomorrow. Tomorrow never comes."
-john longden

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

heart and mind

hello world.
hello mum.
hello to me in a year that may reread this to remember and relearn.

life lesson no. 54 that beat through my vessels lately:
a dear friend taught me,
you can understand and sympathize with anyone
if you just look into their heart and mind
when you try to see the root as to why they do what they do, say what they say
even the worst of criminals and people that have walked this Earth
most were likely not purely evil and filled with hatred, but they were messed up, something happened in their life that gives reason to why they are what they are, or perhaps they really thought that what they were doing was for a good cause

when you seek first to understand, then to be understood (Covey for you friends)
thats the only way to be truly nonjudgmental
this can prevent and dissolve so many of the disputes, anger, and pain amongst humans

boy this isnt always easy to do
especially when others punch our hearts
and maybe this will take me a lifetime to learn
but i sure hope i can remember it often

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

a manner of happiness

what i want. what i really want. is what consumed my thoughts the past 7 or so days.
hearing the prophets speak this weekend reminded me to be strong in moving forward, looking forward.
to learn and keep moving.
to pick my head up. to look at all my blessings. to be confident in the greatness around me, within me, and in front of me.

i want a family.
and i want every other person to stop telling me that im young. that i shouldn't focus on it. that i have so much "living it up" to do at this time
i just do. i want a family.
i want my own home. not paying rent to a stranger. not living with other chics. not temporary.
i want a permanent home. 
a home i can create.
i want bricks. maybe a wall of them. 
i want warmth in that home. not just a heater maybe, but the Holy Ghost. church music playing quietly sunday morning.  photos of my favorite temples. of the Savior. of prayers in those rooms. 
a grey wall. my images on the wall. the smell of my grammies dumplin soup. a moist chocolate cake.
an oversized bed. a cold pillow thats as flat as can be. socks on the ground. flannel sheets in the winters and the smell of fresh laundry.
dance parties in the living room.
fresh flowers in the corner. holiday garland.
kind words. babies crying.

why does something tug at me inside? why do my dreams include a warm sweet baby in my arms and that sweet n sour smell, the thin blue blanket tucked around him? what makes that happen inside me? why does it make me yearn and my heartache? 

i want to use my brain
i want to help people
oh i really do.  i think i could be more useful than i am today.
i want to serve people more. something i didn't understand until this past year.
i want to give of myself more, my time, my energies, my money if i could come upon some.
i want to be charitable.

i want to use my passion
i dont want it to become dormant
i want to explore and create and dream and notice all the pretty around me
i want to be light. be inspired. 
i want to share my passion with others
my passion for the gospel, for pushing/running/seeing/riding/climbing/eating/reading/hearing/becoming better, my passion for life : i dont want to waste it

i want to love someone
well i want and do love so very many
how lucky is that
but i do dream of loving a man that loves me too
who wouldve thought this would be such a difficult thing to find?
i want a man that loves God.
i want a man that is humble enough to lean on me when he feels bummed 
a man that thinks i hung the moon
a man that feels for me what President Monson expresses in the beginning of this message..

and i want a marriage that is built on honesty.
i want the open communication to talk about things we don't see eye to eye on, to work out issues, to handle money, to handle the problems that will surely come
i want a man that looks me in the eye. everyday.
that accepts my flaws and faults and imperfections for what they are
and is patient with me as i strive to improve them
a husband that lets me dream and doesn't think im all the way crazy for it
i want to be sealed in the temple. to be hand in hand in life. and to not let go when its less than dreamy.

i want to learn more
i want to ride my bike up mountains that i looked up to, and never thought i could
i want to push my babies out
i want to run on the beach at least once a year please
i want to remember that im powerful and special more often
i want to save all the children in the world somehow.
i thought the other day, im so mad at satan. i dont want him to hurt people any more...
i want pretty music in my ears
i want to be able to breathe out of both nostrils simultaneously right now...
i want a job that doesnt feel like im a slave 
i want to see my grandma and visit with her, eating grilled cheeses
i want to kiss my nephew 
i want to live in utah forever maybe
i want to do the splits like its nothin
i want time to slow down and speed up depending on the minute
i want long hair and his hands in my hair
i want to be a wife and a mother
but for now im just a lady.
just doing the best i can to be happy today.

Friday, September 27, 2013

im not your exgirlfriend

i've woken up.

i have spent the past couple of weeks contemplating my self worth.
perhaps less eloquent sounding.
i've, more so, been wallowing in feeling of little worth.
ive asked myself why.
and its for several reasons.
only one of which is of fault of my own: that i have distanced myself from God.

it was slow and gradual. and it was through not doing the seemingly "little" things that may be disguised as too simple, or insignificant.
but thats a lie.

i am not your ex girlfriend
i am not the girl in the pornography clips
i am not the blonde, long haired beauty on the magazine cover in the grocery store
i am not size two, i am not even a C cup
i am not tall or proportionate
i am not always selfless
i am not the most paid or the smartest girl in the class
i am not the best singer or baker
i am not the most righteous and giving
i am not perfect

and im not sorry

i am in control of myself
i am a runner and a sister and a missionary and a hard worker and a creator 
i am able to make myself happy
i am flawed
i am tan and overly proud of being barely italian 
i am in love with wes anderson films, moved by great musicians, and captivated by gorgeous places in nature
i am honest
i know where to turn for help, for direction, for strength
i am going to be an amazing MOTHER
i am smart and strong and stable
i am real
and yeah, i poop and fart and burp
i have a good heart, talents that can help others, and im trying to be better everyday
i am a disciple of Jesus Christ
i am happy with simple things
i am trying
i am a good girl
and i have so much love to give one good man

I am pretty f ing alright.
and i only want to be loved for who I REALLY AM
for me
for desiree
for my flaws
my weakness
my awesomeness
my testimony
my love
my heart
all of it.

the real me.

i can do hard things
and perhaps 
just maybe
its always darkest before the dawn

Monday, September 9, 2013

a day at a time

have you ever been at a point in your life when you said, i just cant do this?
have you had a day (or days??? ugh) when you didnt know how you could get through the day?
when you knew you couldn't do it on your own?

it was like this when chad got sick.
it was like this when i went through my divorce.
when i went through a handful of significant and necessary trials over the course of the following years.
and i am thankful that i have been healthy enough and blessed enough with knowledge of where to turn.

i know that DAILY the Lord commands us to remember him.
how do you do this?

i am grateful. so so so very thankful for the journey ive been on the past 26 years.
im in love with my family and my talents and skills, for the opportunities ive been given, for the places ive seen, for the sweet people in my life, for my passions, for the body that can run, and for all of my heartaches.
im grateful that Jesus Christ has made it possible for me to be whole, to be complete
i know that the Holy Ghost can be close and dwell within me when i seek it DAILY

and this is my new goal.
to practice my dailies of nurturing my DAILY connection with my Savior

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

there was a distinct moment in my life.
i was 17.
i heard a young man say the following words.
and time stood still.
he spoke directly to my heart.  he pierced it.

"I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me.  It no sooner appeared than I found myself delivered from the enemy which had me bound.  When the light rested upon me I saw two Personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description, standing above me in the air.  One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other— This is My Beloved Son, Hear Him!"

who is joseph smith?

Monday, August 19, 2013

love. what. you. do.

life has changed a lot in the past couple months.
one thing though, that will always remain constant, is my undying love for what i do.

check out my boyfriends work at ambitfilms.com
he's pretty much amazing.

also, thats not a real tattoo. i ran ragnar the day prior.

Desiredshots from Ambit Films on Vimeo.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013


"In a penal context, many consider solitary confinement a form of psychological torture; in prolonged cases, it can lead to complete mental collapse.  The most terrifying specter that haunts the modern psyche is not death or disease or nuclear annihilation.  
It is loneliness.
We pass through birth and death as individuals.  But the years in between are filled with the unceasing search for community, for companionship, for intimacy."

—— The God Who Weeps

I have been thinking about this.
how true it really is.
i think loneliness scares people terribly.  i think it has scared me too.
in the very worst times of my life, i have felt more alone than ever before.
the loneliness is what made it so bad.
i have had comparably bad things happen at other times when i did not feel alone, and they weren't so bad.

there is something about this.

it makes me think about God's plan for us.
i have recently thought about the organization of the family.
God didn't place us alone on our own worlds.
he could have.
but there is a reason we are here with our families.
to edify each other. to support and teach each other.  to care for one another.
to LOVE.

good gravy.  does any one else look around at the disruption of families and worry??
my own life has been touched by several divorces, several children out of wedlock, unideal situations. gay marriage is on the rise.  abortions as easy as ever.  polygamy. addictions. abuse. anger. childhood obesity. 

it breaks my heart.
luckily, we can do something about ourselves. our own family.
satan is set on destroying the family.
planting contention, pain, anything that will drive us apart.
do you believe that is true?

satan would have us feel lonely.

loneliness is not of God.  He is always with us.  He also blesses us with a lot of good people around us to help and to help us.  The community, the intimacy, to be joined with others to love them and to also feel loved and needed.  
its in our nature.
God loves us so much.

im so grateful that ive learned from the loneliest of times in my life that it doesn't have to be so.  im grateful for good friends and family that are there for me. and above all, im grateful that God never leaves us.  he does not abandon us to be miserable.  His hands are outstretched still.  

Thursday, July 18, 2013

danee & rob

this amazing couple were the first wedding i ever photographed…. and oh how i love them!
i can't think of two people that will be better parents.   some sweet baby is going to be ever blessed to be welcomed into their home.
such dear friends to me and a huge support.
i love you guys always!

Over You

one time
i drove on the freeway and this song came on.
i had sung it a hundred times without listening to it.

my heart was melted.
i let myself cry.
i thought of the snippets of memories of my brother
they flashed across my mind
like old film, like my dreams

i wish he got to have a wife and children.
i wish i could hear his laugh.
i wish he wasn't stuck how he is.
i just wish for God to be with him.

i miss my brother.
some days are more sad than others.
and in the end, i know that we will all be happy and together again.
and its all ok.

i am reminded this life is but just a small moment in the span of eternity.
and i feel blessed to be on this earth.
to have my family. to have the truth. to have a healthy body.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013


watch this 4 minute clip on my friends blog.
Bra Badges: Chilling

my heart just aches.
as i watched the clip i was reminded:
the worth of every soul is great in the eyes of God

the reality of the destruction of lust and pornography needs to be exposed into our society that says its "normal" and OK.  or that a little bit is OK. or just as long as i have control over it, its OK.  or that its healthy.

there is ABSOLUTELY nothing healthy about it.
it is common, but it is not OK.
and thankfully there is a way out of it.
it does not have to be a part of your life or your loved ones life.
Heavenly Father loves you.  He has provided a Savior to help you and give you the chance to heal.  God wants happiness for you, and freedom from chains that bind you down.

please email me to learn more or if you have questions on what to do.

Monday, June 17, 2013

this is water

are you genuine?
do you have compassion on others?
do you choose a better perspective?
do you know what any of this means?

do i love this??? yes.
its hilarious. and true. and such a great reminder.

please don't let me get boring.
i wanna liiiiiivvvvvvveeeeee
my happy life.

oh, life is so good.
i've been smiling all the day long.
love you.

Monday, May 6, 2013


 we went to the annual tulip festival. 
and it rocked.

Monday, April 8, 2013

my take on marriage, sex, and how to live my life to be most happy.


sneak peek for this beautiful lady!

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

your body.

as a personal trainer/healthy person/female, i have my normal confusion about confirming my love for my body.  
i take that back, i always love my body.
but some days, i wished some parts were slightly smaller or bigger or less this or more that.
to some extent this is normal.

to the other extent, this can be incredibly harmful.

God gave us our bodies.
he created ours specifically for us. unique and individual.
with our specific freckle, the shape of our hips. 
he created us beautifully.

and then we reject them.  here on earth.
we hate them, we put toxic material into them-we deface them-we pay to have them morphed into something the human mind conjured up, instead of loving what the Godly, divine mind created.

i have been thinking randomly, lately about my opinion on breast implants.  and in my career, i think a lot about people's psychology toward their bodies and weight loss.  i gained a couple of pounds this past year, and its been kind of annoying to me.  i would like to change that.  it has been completely in my diet—i have not stopped working out.  but i do love and respect my body.

and i want to honor what God gave me, specifically to me.
i embrace my physical imperfections and flaws.
because they make me me. 
my body is not a lie, trying to be like some model shape.
it is me.
and i do love me.

Monday, March 25, 2013

how to be happy.

today i read this post.  and its exactly how i feel—er what i need to do to feel how i want to feel:


plus, she has a really cool blog.

Monday, March 18, 2013

i miss my short hairs.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Thursday, March 14, 2013


have you read these?

a fellow blogger, getting the reality out to the world.
i believe in this.

love you.


oh, dear.

i feel i have neglected this poor blog.
i have some exhausting things going on in my life that require my attention.

i sat in on a lecture today. a guest speaker came into my school where i teach personal trainers.  he really spoke about us accepting who we are, becoming an introspective thinker, and identifying our strengths and weaknesses.
i loved it.
i want a masters in that.
and i want someone to pay me a lot of money to help them/their companies do this.

im not great at all this, but i love it and see the value in it and know that it is important.
as i was listening to his lecture, i had the impression:
i need to get back to the basics.

he spoke about how athletes do the same fundamental movements over and over again, and master them.  they do some other types of training too, but there is a key to doing the basics repeatedly.
i thought about the gospel—we repeat some basic principles sunday after sunday, year after year.
dancing—you repeat the same moves a million times until is just natural.
you get the idea.

so im sitting down here, and i want to write out what those "basics" are for me. surely, they will be different for you.  i feel that focusing on the basics helps keep balance in life.  a routine that may differ within each aspect but always having those aspects...

scripture study
stretching/foam rolling/relaxation times
eating as natural as possible
controlling my money
cooking for enjoyment and to have a healthy body
writing freely (and writing goals-reading them often)
exercise toward goals
practicing positive thinking
quality and quantity sleep

i need to come back to these basics. i was happy to hear this refresher today.
i once read a quote that says, successful people are those to repeat and do the basics and necessary things that others neglect, not because they enjoy them more, but because their end goal is worth it.

Monday, February 18, 2013

bad things.

i proclaimed this yesterday in sunday school, and i want to remember it:

every single one of us has bad things happen to us.  we feel anger or jealously or insecurities or frustration.   what do you do with those negative feelings?
some of us go home and have a glass of wine, some of us pull out a cigarette, some of us go sleep with a guy, some of us buy a lot of shoes, some of us view pornography, some of us hit things and scream, some of us eat a lot or not at all, some of us even consider suicide.
all of which are unhealthy.
all of which are done to escape, or alleviate the negative feelings.
all of which are temporary.
the one place that we can turn to for real relief and lasting comfort is God.
i believe that we will be happiest through our troubles when we dont seek relief from anything outside of God.

this may not seem natural or easy to do, but it is worth it.

Friday, February 8, 2013

twenty six.

26 things i have learned by my 26th birthday.

1/ that i was placed in my specific family on purpose by a loving Heavenly Father
2/ how to love myself.
3/ how important it is to forgive everyone. even if they are not sorry. grudges bring about nothing good.
4/ what it really means to 'lean not unto thine own understanding'
5/ you should be a good person despite what others say or do
6/ my sins and problems are only different from others', they are not better or worse people
7/ what i am passionate about
8/ we ought to respect others' agency, the way God has left us solely with ours.  i can not control anyone else, but me.  i can control how i feel and how i react to anything. "no one can hurt you without your consent."
9/ that my love language is words of affirmation (what a surprise.) and lack of this or abuse of this, hurts me the most.
10/ how to pray
11/ that i have a really personalized mission and purpose on this earth
12/ how to assess and correct posture
13/ how to handle grief
14/ that soccer is not the most important thing in life
15/ to seek first to understand, then to be understood
16/ i can always run farther or do another set more than what my mind tells me
17/ my self worth is not dependent on how much a man loves me, my weight on the scale, the size of my boobs, the decisions i made in the past, the fanciness of my clothes, what other people think if me, how much i can get done in a day, whether i have children or not, nor my decision to not go to grad school.
18/ that no matter how far we feel like we are, no matter what bad things we've done, no matter what anyone else did to us-- we can ALWAYS turn to the Savior, who waits with open arms, and find joy
19/ you can't change the fruit without changing the root
20/ happiness is a choice
21/ most relationship difficulties are rooted in unclear/unexpressed expectations of roles and goals
22/ there is a definite difference between infatuation and love, and satan will continuously tempt us with infatuations.  infatuations or lust are unrealistic ideas of what someone is, what something will be like, or what you are seeing.  and it is worthy every effort to choose love over infatuation
23/ even though im a big kid now, its healthy to still dream
24/ love is a verb. action. it is a choice.  it is what we choose after the initial "head over heels" obsession.  it is discovering how someone feels and accepts love, then selflessly showing that to them every day.   it is making sacrifices for that person, really hearing them, and even giving them the freedom of agency—to develop themselves as an individual.  it is to know all the dark secrets and faults, and forgiving despite it all.  we are to love everyone. our selves, our enemies, our companions. and above all, we are commanded to love our God.
25/ only the disciplined are truly free.
26/ im only Gods hands.  im here to develop like Him.  to learn and grow, so i can help others. i have learned that i am given people, and trials, and my family, and opportunities so I can be molded into a spectacular woman.  i have power to create a life dedicated to happiness, light, truth, learning, loving, improving, and teaching.  i am not here for just me to enjoy, but i am here to serve Him and help his children find joy as well.

and i am grateful to recognize and learn these things over the past 25 years.  im thankful for everyone and every relationship and every experience that taught me.  26 is finding me at a turning point with many new things to learn and work on.  and im excited for it.
life is so good.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Get healthy.

How much sodium do you consume? Any idea?
How much is a lot??!

The average American consumes DOUBLE the recommended amount!

The average mg that you ought to consume each day is 1,500.

high sodium foods to stay away from:
Canned foods
Frozen meals
Fast food (taco bell beam burrito has 1,220 mg in it! All your daily sodium in one meal!)
Soy sauce
Tuna in oil

Stay away from em! Hypertension (high blood pressure) is your main risk when you dont control your sodium intake.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

keep goin keep goin and keep goin.

T shared this awesome pep talk with me.
lets dance!
thanks T.  you're rockin life like a boss lady!

I was made to be awesome.
and i really believe this today.

Friday, February 1, 2013

the loved one

We most often express our love in the ways that we would like to be loved.
Instead, what we should be doing is asking how our significant other feels love. It is not common that any two people receive love the exact same way.

Often times, we feel like were expressing tons of love by doing x y and z! But our partner really doesn't note those things as love, he/she is feeling empty, waiting for v.

Its a simple idea. But it is the root of many relationship downfalls. It is easy to ask or observe what your dearest love is wanting. Then its just a matter of making a conscious effort to express it in that language.

When both partners do this for the other, you cant go wrong. Pure bliss.

And thats the key.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Friday, January 25, 2013

the unmundane

i have found myself, spontaneously and somewhat unconsciously, in a scary and very cool spot in my life.
i feel that i am embarking on a new process. a process i have done before.
but this time in a different way.
and i assume (and hope) to repeat this process over and over again so long as i have blood pumping through me.

this process has many proper names.
but i like to call it: reinventing myself.

this morning i had an interesting experience doing something very mundane.
for a moment, i considered physically stepping on something that is very sacred, and special to me.
quickly, i had the thought, 'why would i ever consider putting my feet of all things on it? stepping on it under foot?'  I noted to myself, my feet are probably the most unclean part of my body.  Then i considered the symbolism of it all.
i was overwhelmed by my next thought.
a thought that wasn't something i came up with alone. nor had i ever heard of it.

i thought of the last supper.  i thought of Jesus Christ taking into his pure, clean, sacred hands the dirty feet of his disciples.  I thought of the disciples protesting and astonished that the Lord would serve them so. Such a truly, deeply humble act to stoop at the level of their feet, to wash them, and bless them.

i thought of how Christ takes the most unclean parts of each of us.  I thought about the mistakes I have made and my weaknesses that he has already taken into his hands, and washed of me.  I can completely genuinely say that by seeking Jesus Christ and going through 'this process' over and over again, has made me a better person.

reinventing myself includes celebrating my life.
it includes recognizing my talents and great qualities.
it really includes being honest with myself.
reinventing myself is taking my weaknesses and flaws and areas where i lack, and improving!
it includes pushing myself to be something better.
to not settling.
to growing.

when i have honesty recognized a part of my personality or way i react or negative feelings toward someone else that are short of being perfect, i have often struggled to bring that to Christ in prayer, and genuinely felt that he can help me with it.  But as I have done it multiple times, i can feel that i am really, actually, truly strengthened and given the help i need to overcome them.  My goal is to just be a little bit better each day and to never give up on trying to improve.
And this is the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Thursday, January 24, 2013


i am dreaming of this today.
i could almost feel the sunshine on my skin and the warmth enfold me.
it's approximately 25 degrees here in utah today.

as soon as the rain hit my windshield this morning—it froze.
when i stepped out of my car, i fell on my butt.  black ice.
one day, this iceland will thaw. and i will go running.

until then, i am sick. stuffed nose, sore throat, hearty/painful coughs.
but thats life.

today i began oil pulling.
thought it was interesting and wanted to see if i felt any benefits of doing it.
i tried sesame oil.  it tasted like the oil on top of a fresh jar of peanut butter.
i endured until i had a massive cough attack. then i spit it out and dry heaved.

still i'll keep trying it!
click here to find out what oil pulling is.

well life is good.  it is so difficult. but it is good.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Love is a choice

All each person really wants is to feel wanted, needed, and loved. We want to feel of significance.

The divorce rates are so high because people selfishly forget to choose to love.

Love doesnt magically disappear, we just neglect to do it.

You have the choice.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

healing hearts

i don't know if i am yet ready to be more public about writing about my experiences and trials.
because i have not fully overcome them.  i'm not looking back as this new and recovered person yet.
the wounds are still fresh enough.
but this video was shared with me, and helped me feel something better, so i would like to share it with you.


like many people, i too thought this addiction would have little effect on a person.  a relationship.  a marriage.  my young and naive mind had no idea what was in store, what was going on, or how to handle it.

it has been years.
but i am finally putting that anguish in a place. a good place. a place outside of me. so i can be happy.

one day, i will share all my feelings.  only in hopes to help other people who might be going through similar things.  but for now.  all i have is friendship to extend, love to give, a Heavenly Father to turn to, and lots of learning.

if this video touches you, or finds you wanting to know more, please send me an email and i would be happy to chat about it.  deziray2@yahoo.com


I watched them tearing a building down,
A gang of men in a busy town.
With a ho-heave-ho and lusty yell,
They swung a beam and a sidewall fell.
I asked the foreman, “Are these men skilled,
As the men you’d hire if you had to build?”
He gave me a laugh and said, “No indeed!
Just common labor is all I need.
I can easily wreck in a day or two
What builders have taken a year to do.”
And I tho’t to myself as I went my way,
Which of these two roles have I tried to play?
Am I a builder who works with care,
Measuring life by the rule and square?
Am I shaping my deeds by a well-made plan,
Patiently doing the best I can?
Or am I a wrecker who walks the town,
Content with the labor of tearing down?

– Unknown

Monday, January 7, 2013

Post nap love

Today calls for
A list of things i love!

•i love my new down/feather pillow that i just drooled on as i napped

•i love using expensive toilet paper

•i love going to bed with wet hair

•i love hipster film photographers

•i love instagram because i really love to look at pretty things

•i love feeling peace and harmony and security

•i love filtered, clean, ice cold water

•i love having warm feet

•i love the gospel of Jesus Christ of latter day saints

•i love lucy dunn, even if she does live far away

•i love more daylight in my evenings

•i love to spin/cycle without a shirt on (rarely do i get caught)

•i love when someone else serves me dinner

•i love homemade caramels

•i love all white bedding, lace, and shopping for throw pillows

•i love dreaming of travels and adventures

•i love humble people

•and i love negative space