Saturday, December 31, 2011

enjoy everything.

its almost 2012.
i kinda want to cry
but instead i smile

i've had one of the most needed years. i learned so much.
in 2011, i found myself. i really began to understand me.
things became clear.
my purpose and goals crystalized.
i love this unpredictable life i have.

i have zero idea what 2012 holds for me. but i am smiling. and looking forward to it.
bring it on!
i'm so happy to find joy in these ups and downs.
i'm excited to sketch out some new goals and dreams.
i love you.

come what may and love it.

Friday, December 30, 2011

santa cruz

DECEMBER. i hated the soft sand in my toes, but i loved the heat on my face. i enjoyed a much needed nap and was pleasantly awakened with the sound of rolling waves. dear beach, i missed your tranquility.
his freckles like sand.

danny. he is somewhat awesome. can't ya tell?

im back home in utah. and as much as i love my family, the beach, the sweet california sun—i'm where i belong here, snugged against the mountains.

Monday, December 26, 2011


Happy days. I love my family. I love the warmth and treats and wrapping paper and warm california sun and my nephew cooing. Life is good!
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Sunday, December 25, 2011


This is my favorite photo of my grandpa and grammie. So sweet. So italian. Gram is stirring the raviolis now. Merry Christmas!
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Friday, December 23, 2011

Leaves are on the trees here

Made it home. California is sooo pleasantly warm to me. Holding my nephew, laughing until I snort, and my mamas good cookin. Life is so good.
So thankful for my life and all the goodness God gives me.

Share your love! Happy night :)
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Wednesday, December 21, 2011


what is your favorite christmas song???

I've been loving michael buble's christmas album and seeing that local folk band, lower lights!

lower lights..

i've kind of realized this christmas that I don't really know the words to all the traditional christmas songs/hymns… so i've been listening to my lower lights album, and paying attention in church to learn them. it's been so fun. does your family sing the christmas songs??? mine probably lip sing them… so now im going to learn them.
music is such a quick way to invite the Spirit.

here is my favorite christmas song to sing this season..

i have decided on four new christmas traditions i want with my future family and home.
1. sing the christmas songs together ( i don't really like caroling) but maybe just around the house, at family home evening, have them playing. i hate cheesy, loud, bliarring bells, christmas music.. but i would love some peaceful christmas songs playing in the background…
2. reading, together, about the Saviors birth from the scriptures. maybe on christmas eve? maybe with a song or two? maybe with homemade fudge? yumm
3. a christmas party. i want to throw a christmas party a week before christmas with all of our best friends. dress fancy. have a big tree. make a fun fancy dinner and treats. a creative little gift for each couple. the kids in the movie room. maybe a lil dancing in my living room? oh, and a fireplace is needed.
4. the nutcracker. my sweet lucy took me to see the ballet last night. it was very magical. and beautiful. i loved it. we dressed ourselves up and enjoyed the show. i would love to do that every year from now on.. such a great way to get you in the christmas spirit!

i have been strongly impressed to remember that christmas is about Christ.
Born is the King of Israel. HE is the greatest gift we could ever be given.
If you don't know him yet, seek after him.
There is nothing more peaceful and comforting in this holiday season than to remember your Savior, your God.

Happy Wednesday. I'm off to the temple after i make some nutella fudge!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Im dreaming

Ive been shooting film in my dreams.
Its a sign of things to come.
Im terribly excited.
I can take a hint.
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Monday, December 19, 2011


Everyone is engaged. Tis the season. To post up under some mistletoe. I love that I can see things like this chair. Im filled with happiness that no one else knows of. I delight in the best music lately. These things are made for me.
Happy monday. Where did this past year go?
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Friday, December 16, 2011

Let us adore

Last night. I watched a group of amazing musicians come together to cover christmas songs with a folky twang. They touched my heart.
The music pierced my being and moved me.
I watched a man cradle his newborn and dance with her in the corner. The venue had vintage furniture, chunky gawdy picture frames, and carved crown molding. It was such a great experience for me personally. The blur of christmas lights on the ground. The thoughts about blessings God has given us. Some peace in my heart. For the first time in a while, I knew of stillness.
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Wednesday, December 14, 2011

The woman who thought she could

Today. I graduated college.
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Tuesday, December 13, 2011

please just skip me

warning: i'm having a mid twenties crisis. just skip this post and move forward in life.

people are typically overjoyed to be graduating.
excited and party. i am happy to be done with homework and the like.
but i came home balling just now. like the ugly cry in the car and you know the person next to you just pointed at you.

my second to last class we went around the room and said what our plan is next…
people mentioned all the grad schools they have interviewed with, who accepted them, and such. two girls said they were pregnant and now moving on to that chapter. my ego was jabbing at my heart. i made a joke when it came to my turn. made people laugh and they moved to the next grad student.

this goal i have been working on for years and devoted so much of myself to has amounted to nothing. like its no big deal. when i mention im graduating, everyone just says :
ok, well what are you going to do now? where are you going to grad school? you're not going? but you're not even dating anyone..????

i feel like a failure. because i don't have anything lined up, because i don't have plans for more formal education.
and the fact that there is no ceremony in December for graduates doesn't help lessen the value of this accomplishment.
i hate feeling like i havn't done enough, that i'm below the bar, or that my knowledge/talents will go unused.

i don't want to be stuck in mediocrity.
it is my greatest fear to be boring, to settle, to be the norm.

i don't mean for this to be so selfish and sad. I just don't know what happened to celebrating a bachelors degree. why is graduating hs such a bigger deal?? you don't even have to apply yourself to graduate high school…

eh, i'm fine. just stressed out and emotional. DONE after tomorrow! i'll treat myself to some thai food. have a happy day!! i'm gunna bust out the rest of this research paper!

Monday, December 12, 2011

darling dear

we become like those things we habitually love and admire.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

this i surrender

i am 1/3 done with the research paper. i'm celebrating progress by listening to amazing music.

i can't make you love me, if you don't.
i surrender anything i can't control.
this is peaceful.

love. i absolutely love. life has so many good things.
i have tears in my eyes listening to this song. he is talented-his voice is stunning, his hands on the keys. the amount of love i feel today is immeasurable.

i thought about my family in church today and my heart overflowed. i am so grateful for the life i have been given. i love the music that graces my ears, i love the beauty of this place i live, i love feeling connected to people, i really love latin dancing.

i realize i may sound like i am repeating myself on here, but i am just richly blessed for the basics of my life. i can't express enough gratitude.
i also realize this life i have is the product of God's hand.
WHEN i open myself up to his will, act on the impressions i receive, his plan unfolds. and it is always prettier than mine.

i reread my patriarchal blessing and pondered my path in life.
graduation is at the door and i have a lot of thoughts and emotions about opening that door. it is very clear to me that my field of study is not a coincidence. i have been blessed with a couple of attributes that came forth and began to shine as i studied in college. these will be important in my degree of success with communicating and teaching others in my life. i love my education. i love the knowledge i have and the opportunity to help other people with it.

i have literally no idea where to go from here, but i am not stressed about it in the least. i am excited for a new journey. for changes. for more opportunities to learn and broaden my horizons. i want to develop new talents and learn to rock climb. i want to do the splits and do the bachata better than the latin girls. i want to read books of my choice. i want to learn to make curry. i want to travel and see portland. i want to sew a new christmas stocking. i want to loose myself in service and know more people. i want to try to be more uplifting and positive.

i almost fell over the other day when i realized how much more patient i am than what i use to be. I watched myself have control and bite my tongue. my insides didn't turn out of anger at the situation. i have much more control in my level of patience lately. i've been working on this for YEARS and i am so thankful to even see this tiny progression.

life is good. He is molding me.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

the toilet aint gunna clean itsself


today i've done everything to put off my research paper.
i even decided that i HAD to clean the toilet.
i preferred it over this paper. even though it ain't that bad.

ally & greg

my paper is on the physiological effects of physical activity on hormones. I am choosing to focus on the details of estrogen/testosterone, cortisol, and another hormone that i haven't quite decided yet…

here is something interesting:
cortisol is the hormone released in response to stress (insert photo of me). cortisol suppresses the immune system, decreases bone formation, and increases blood sugar.

ways to reduce cortisol—
magnesium supplements
music therapy
massage therapy
vitamin c
omega 3's
regular dancing to argentine tango

try these out eh?! this is close to my life minus 2 or 3 things…
bring on the dancing!!!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

white blank page

it doesn't look like this anymore.
how much do you want to walk down that sidewalk and hear the leaves under your feet??
oh i'm so happy to enjoy things.
it's below freezing daily.
i've been deciding the past couple weeks how to control my heart.
i even hoped to be more neutral and numb like a normal person. someone who doesn't fall in love with everything and everyone. it hasn't been fun.

i give up. i would rather break every time than not feel at all.
how do people do it?

i sat listening to beautiful music and edited images today.
i was nearly in tears because the image was exactly what i wanted. i loved it.
i love my life. i love the details. the things i get to see. the talented and lovely people im blessed to meet. i love my testimony and the relationship i have with the savior. i love the snuggleness of this season. i love that chance i have to create, and to laugh. i can't help but fall in love every other second.
i'm doomed.

with the wind

"There is nothing more powerful than to be around a person who is light, not a judge; who is a model, not a critic."

the scaglione family. sweet family friends since we were just babies.

" you can't change all things, you can't change people; you can only change yourself. "

Sunday, December 4, 2011


It is cold here. Im strangely excited about feeling the real spirit of christmas. My work outs have been awesome but I crave sugar more than ever. Im happy. My smiles have never been so genuine as they were this weekend. What a good feeling.
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Friday, December 2, 2011


me, kristy, mum, deanna, & mikey

recently someone asked me what the happiest day of my life has been.
my immediate answer was either my mom's or my baby sister's baptism.
those memories. those moments and the amount of love that i could feel surpass everything else i have experienced.
i have found that i am overjoyed when i feel God's love for me, but I begin to understand Him better when I feel how much he loves other people. When I can feel how dear others are to him, watch him work miracles in their lives, and feel the Holy Ghost—i am the happiest girl.

i love these people. my family is the best. happy weekend. i have a smile on my face.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

become an island of excellence in a sea of mediocrity

do you ever ask WHY?

why did you just do that?
why did he/she say that?
why do i need to do this?
why was this created?
why is it the way it is?

there is a quote somewhere on this blog that says something about TRUE LEARNING IS GAINED BY ASKING QUESTIONS NOT ANSWERS.

i've been teaching myself to ask a lot of why's. not sad "why me?"-- but seeking to understand things. I ask a lot of why's about the human body. i ask a lot of whys about the gospel. i ask a lot of whys about relationships and communication. i ask a lot of whys about my motives.

i was on the treadmill (yes! yeeeek, i hate the treadmill!! but it's too cold here now. snow has fallen) yesterday and i was watching people workout. as a certified personal trainer, this is a painful task. i want to yell out at some of them before they hurt themselves. so as i was observing, and deciding how to correct their form/workout/technique, i thought about the reasons why i would give for every change i made. i realized that when we (the person working out) understands WHY the change is necessary then value will be added to the change. they will sustain and respect the change because they can see exactly why it is necessary.

it makes sense for me to inform you that when you arch your back during a chest press, that you are actually making your workout less efficient. you are no longer using solely the chest muscles, but now your back (a stronger muscle) is being used to pull the weight. you don't want this unless you are trying to strengthen your back in an indirect way. now that you understand WHY, you would likely make the change to your form so that you can get more out of your time in your workout. right????

i thought about this in other aspects of life.
when we begin to understand why God gives us each commandment, they become easier and more logical to follow. they hold more value to you and you recognize the need for it.
when we begin to understand why we go to college, it begins to become significant on a more meaningful level. this inspires motivation to do it.
there is peace in understanding the WHY.
I think many people don't know why they are on the earth.
why do you think you're here?
once you have answered this question for yourself, new meaning is taken to the past, present, and future. your decisions will be affected by this answer. value is added to your existence.

we ought to seek to teach others by teaching them the WHY to everything.
to children and adults alike.
when we begin to earnestly seek out in our minds the WHY to all things, our knowledge will grow. we will be better off for it. we will be able to make necessary changes. and be motivated to sustain truth.

“I desire the Spirit of God to know and understand myself, that I might be able to overcome whatever of tradition or nature that would not tend to my exaltation in the eternal worlds. I desire a fruitful, active mind, that I may be able to comprehend the designs of God, when revealed through His servants without doubting.”
—Emma Smith, the prophet Joseph Smith's wife

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

is love a drug?

this is an honest question i have.
it may sound weird, but today i was thinking about how strange love is.
we desire and long for this feeling.
we yearn for some kind of fulfillment in being valued and important and cared for.
hopefully, we enjoy and are happy to reciprocate and show our love for the other as well.

i am beginning to wonder if love is a drug. some kind of high.
i would imagine that chemically in our brain there are changes when we feel genuine love.
like the blue light.
i'm talking romantic love.
that once we have felt it, you can never be quite as satisfied again without it.

perhaps it is so desirable and wonderful because it encompasses every part of you: the physical, the emotional, the spiritual, the mental.

i am happy in my life.
no doubt i have plenty of struggles but in general i have faith and a good mind.
i'm in a good position.
i truly am probably the happiest i ever have been.
i think this is because i have full control over myself. i have control over my decisions. i have been making healthy decisions. and i don't have anything else "ruling" my life.
i recognize the above things are ultimately because of the gospel of Jesus Christ and his loving guidance.
but i realized something rather sad today:

i am not number one
to anyone in this world.

everyone close to me has someone else that is their number one. the person they love and value most. note: this is not a pity party. i know i am loved. i am truly blessed.
but i do seek after a man to love and share my life with.

recently, a friend (married with a child) said to me, "being married is hard, you know. having kids is so hard. this isn't all jolly and fun. please wait. take your time. you don't want this."
my first natural thought was: BOGUS!! don't feed me your crap!! and other unkind things.
but the truth is this: i have obstacles and struggles, so do you, so does she, we all do—our problems are just different kinds— but i sure would be happier carrying those burdens along with someone, making my way through this life with a friend by my side always. I know from experience that problems don't go away when you get married or have a family. i am not naive. I know new obstacles arise that you have never before faced, but the security and comfort in knowing you have a companion to share that with is strengthening. this is what i seek after.

so this time in my life is not a poor me i just want to be off and married. it's just a little lonely not being anyone's number one. it is a little bit hard to face life's challenges alone.
i pray that the man that i am to spend my life with is being prepared
in the same way that i know i am being prepared.
i am thankful for the ways that God is molding me and helping me to learn.
life is good.

i wish for you love and a happy thursday

Grammie and the babe
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Tuesday, November 29, 2011


the cuilla family.

this week has been soo wonderful.
for no reason at all

simply my mind has been healthy and happy
smiling at strangers and helping friends
i see more and more that happiness is completely a choice

your decision.
my goal of complaining less has been going well, and a great contributor to my happiness.
enjoy your evening. i'm dancing.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

"…to every man is given a gift by the Spirit of God. To some is given one, and to some is given another, that all may be profited thereby." D&C 11-12

Friday, November 25, 2011


perhaps this seems so desiree, or ironic, or whatever it may seem.
a couple months ago i was bored at work
so i went around and questioned all my co-workers on
marriage advice

note: most of my co-workers are my age or younger
and most of them are married

here's what they told me (yes ive been carrying this paper around for months..)
scribbled around fett alfredos and chick parms:

-don't hold grudges
-be able to make yourself happy
-keep an eternal perspective (the big picture)
-don't go to other family 1st with your problems
-always acknowledge each other when you/they enter the room
-communicate, real communication often
-be selfless..their happiness first
-follow the commandments
-always celebrate holidays
-sentimental over $$$ gifts
-spontaneous showing of affection
-don't talk about fights with others/talk down about your spouse
-establish good habits
-be willing to compromise
-read the scriptures and pray together

hmm…some of those are more important than others i suppose.
i have my own list.
that will be in days to come.
happy marriage hunting/living

Thursday, November 24, 2011


i needed this.

i am thankful this day for the experiences and opportunities in this life to grow.
i am thankful for the chance to change, and improve. to repent.
i am thankful for challenges, taking us out of our comfort zone, so we can become something better.

demand of yourself improvement.

i love so very much the Holy Ghost. that warmth and happiness and love that enfolds me in special moments. i felt that today and i am so grateful to be reminded that God knows and loves each of us.

yesterday, i went for a long run in the gorgeous warmth.
i thought about how terrible my perspective has been. i've been whining and crying to poor tiana and lucy for 2 weeks now. and although i suck it up like superwoman most of my days, i do break down and feel like crap. like human? they get my early morning texts telling them to remind me of a reason to get out of bed. they get the late night texts saying i don't know why..

i determined- on this run- that my goal for december is to not complain. to stop the pity party and so serve others. this specific time in my life is full of a lot of change, big decisions, and growth. i am grateful to have the gospel, and more importantly, the Holy Ghost to guide me through this. I am grateful for my savior, Jesus Christ, who strengthens me and lifts me up each time I fall.

all hard times and challenges can be taken with gratitude if we have the right perspective.
we choose how we react and respond to stimulus, the obstacles that come at us.
How do you respond? How do you react?

choose happiness, then act on it. live it.
i'm trying to.
He never told us this life was going to be easy, but it is worth it.

i am grateful to know this.
happy thanksgiving. tell someone you love em, eh?

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

strange steps

"creative thinking invloves breaking out of established patterns in order to look at things in different ways." —edward de bono

seek to understand what other's see and WHY they see the world the way they do…


Wednesday, November 16, 2011

your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
oh i don't have a choice, but i still choose you

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

i slept until 1:30
I had to force myself to wake up
that is 13.5 hours of sleep
i want to runaway
i want to hold my baby nephew
i want to eat fruit

i miss snowbording
morgans dance moves
and pumpkin pie

i had good conversation in a brick building
i had turkey
and i had laughter

i feel a shopping spree coming on...

Sunday, November 13, 2011

one day, i will know all things.
but until then—
i am forced/learning to trust in the Lord
and i will have joy

three days ago, snot was everywhere and i said, heavenly father, i know there must be something you're trying to teach me. i am thankful for the change. bring it on.

Friday, November 11, 2011

and this is what i am.

dear world. take it or leave it. i'm the smudge in this light.
messy and imperfect and tragically in love with love.
i walked out of the temple today and cried because i am so thankful to have my body.
my eyes. my mind. my particular family. to have truth and goodness in my life.
i am thankful for music. for my ears. for time to lay and listen.
for the feel of paper, to read. to learn everyday.

i walked up to him and say, "john. sometimes, life throws you a curve ball."
john says, "did you knock it over the fence?"
"i swung and i missed john."
he gets serious, "what did he do to you?"
i pretend to not hear his words. "my table just left me three dollars."
he didn't forget, "they don't even know.
you're worth a trillion dollars."