Tuesday, December 13, 2011

please just skip me

warning: i'm having a mid twenties crisis. just skip this post and move forward in life.

people are typically overjoyed to be graduating.
excited and party. i am happy to be done with homework and the like.
but i came home balling just now. like the ugly cry in the car and you know the person next to you just pointed at you.

my second to last class we went around the room and said what our plan is next…
people mentioned all the grad schools they have interviewed with, who accepted them, and such. two girls said they were pregnant and now moving on to that chapter. my ego was jabbing at my heart. i made a joke when it came to my turn. made people laugh and they moved to the next grad student.

this goal i have been working on for years and devoted so much of myself to has amounted to nothing. like its no big deal. when i mention im graduating, everyone just says :
ok, well what are you going to do now? where are you going to grad school? you're not going? but you're not even dating anyone..????

i feel like a failure. because i don't have anything lined up, because i don't have plans for more formal education.
and the fact that there is no ceremony in December for graduates doesn't help lessen the value of this accomplishment.
i hate feeling like i havn't done enough, that i'm below the bar, or that my knowledge/talents will go unused.

i don't want to be stuck in mediocrity.
it is my greatest fear to be boring, to settle, to be the norm.

i don't mean for this to be so selfish and sad. I just don't know what happened to celebrating a bachelors degree. why is graduating hs such a bigger deal?? you don't even have to apply yourself to graduate high school…

eh, i'm fine. just stressed out and emotional. DONE after tomorrow! i'll treat myself to some thai food. have a happy day!! i'm gunna bust out the rest of this research paper!

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