travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light
Monday, August 30, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
we're here because we chose to be. remember that when you have a day like i did below. hahaaa.
i almost feel like taking a back to school photo today
like the one i did in kindergarden. mom you should scan it if you have it somewhere....
back to the grind people!
i have a lot of sweet/different goals in mind for this fall. and i am going to organize my personal mission statement to live by. and im really going to work on my communication skills. i will post a list soon on these new goals. not that you care, but it holds me more accountable..
im going to go do some yoga before my first class..
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Our conversation went something like this:
me: (after lunch with sheri and her sweet babies) i'm feeling baby hungry. i almost nibbled off the little ones ear. (then i probably said) oh hell.
T: i've got a bit of an appetite for such a dish as well. mostly i want me the "man-course" if you will...
me: it seems i'm bulimic. i keep barfing my man-course back up.
T: ...we should probably hit a 12 step meeting
me: im sick of love songs. im sick of people telling me he's a shmuck and i should move on. i'm sick of kissing boys that don't mean anything by it. empty kisses are like empty calories—they taste good but leave me distraught and hungry.
T: i've never heard a more profound rant! and i really feel like we share a heart. lol. i've had much of the same turmoil lately and it upsetting. i even notice me trying to fake it in my prayers...like i can trick my heart into being the strong "better off" girl. empty calories are the devils work!!
me: im sorry youre hurting too, but it makes me feel better that youre goin through it and still standing on two feet. with heels and painted nails! i dont know what hit me. but i cant pull off the superwoman look lately.
T: yes always heels. helps your posture.......and it does help to have a fellow tortured soul so im glad i can be that for you.
me: i think its all the damn pregnant people (sorry people), and the frilly weddings, and going back to school/ move forward in life season. and i miss him and some days i cant forget him. and somedays i like feeling sorry for myself. im going to mail my book to you as soon as i can finish it.
T: definitely tis the season it feels like, huh? like everyone is rushing past me or something. youre not doing anything wrong though or being wasteful with time and all that i think there is something just far more lovely waiting for you tat can't be rushed that way. youre too fly to have a life parallel with the rest of society
me: you make my depression sound so pretty. Cymbalta with a bow.
T: HAHA! please slow down so i can document all of this...cymbalta with a bow yes!
me: lol don't worry, i just typed our convo onto my blog
T: lol yesss i LOVE being published. now if i can just get someone with a lot of money to buy into my antics the way you do...
me: im thinking some big investor is bound to accidentally read my blog and realize our worth for once! we'll be rich one day lady. in money and in real kisses and pretty tea cups.
T: especccccially pretty tea cups. you know how much better things taste out of fancy things? i choose NOT to live my life flavorless, thank you.
me: im pretty sure ive been slurping backwash from someone else's fancy mug. Hell I need my own muse. I almost bought a large mug with a heart that said, "life is good" but i found it too optimistic so i stormed out of the shop and onto the airplane
T: haha! yeah sometimes you just can't lie to yourself. and you know what? why should you! everyone else does enough of that for us. we's all we's got at the end of the day, might as well keep it real!
me: lol youre the best. there is a reason why were such good friends. glad i have a shoulder to belt rants with.
T: you and me both sister! and you've fallen upon good fortune due to my recent shoulder sculpting. thank you black genes for giving me extra muscular definition to hold up Desiree during this life juncture.
me: praise them genes! im a lucky lady!
i have to go running but this is bein posted to my blog this instant. our baby girls will need to read this one sad day, and they'll know where to turn.
T: gosh good thing i have you to think about my future. at this point, my unborn child is that dirty shoe-less kid in the grocery store with an un-bottoned onesie and snot in her hair
me: lol you're killing me! im going running! thanks for making me smile when i was on the verge of tears.
and thats how it went
i know we sound like crazy women
and surely we won't get any men from this posting baahaahahaa
but hell it isn't working out otherwise
really though T and I are fine. were not obsessed with love and marriage and that junk
and were not REAAALLLY depressed
we just like to make humor of our pissy days
=] life IS still good !
cuz i got friends like T money
and new blue jeans from my mom
Friday, August 20, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
gram and i went to SFmoma
it was fabulous
it is a must see
the art made me tingle inside and smile
my grammie barked through the quiet white rooms,
"man, that girl sure looks young to have such saggy boobs!"
gulp. i walk away.
5 turns later, a new artist.
gram says "man, this guy must be really, i mean really, screwed up...this isn't even art."
i nod to the gentleman that looks back
gram says "if i knew i could get paid to make this kind of stuff...it's just tape and thumb tacks!"
i smile and say, uh huh.
oh how i love that woman
please listen to this song. if you have a moment to rest your eyes.
this is gorgeous.
im ready to fall in love
dear somebody, tell him im ready
make him bearded and poetic
make him with garden wild lilies in his hand
make him with greece in mind
make him dancing to tunes in the car
make him with an abundance of patience & kisses for my forehead
make him with smiles to spare and sturdy feet
make him with flannel and mangoes and a sweet smell
make him with soft sounds and passion in his heart
make him love me too
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
my mum says i look like a photographer
she grabbed the camera and snapped this one on my way out
my mum would also say i look like an astronaut
if that's what i wanted to be
Hold on, wait for me. I still have 17 things on my list of to do's. but please!
I have been waiting for this vacation for MONTHS
and i have a feeling i will spend it all editing images
or mostly thinking about how i should be editing faster
life is so good
i need to get a shirt that says that
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
oh its so good
it tastes like candy
slurp. lick noise. gulp.
i want to wrap her up in a spinach tortilla and eat er for brunch
im zonked, exhausted
i haven't quite slept well in weeks
i am having serious running withdrawals
but im such a happy lady
i wrote in the margin of my book (and im really writing all over this one..)
"he does not define you. you define you."
you get to write your own script in life
he can be anyone, anything—a spouse, family, a job, wealth, ideas, political status, religion etc.
do not leave your sense of identity and worth up to something or someone else to define
all of those things are out of your control
all of those things are subject to change
and they will take you down with them
it is key, vital, to success in life and happiness, to be able to be completely independent
and solely define and creative your own life
this may sound cheesy
but it is a beautiful and deep and introspective PRINCIPLE (not faulty idea)
to try to live
i've been dwelling on this
and on myself, my flaws (its even an ugly word. bleh)
and on how i have let other people or things define me, affect me
when all i really need is firm grasp on who i am, my values, and be confident in my sound mind
he would always say,
"don't let yourself be upset over something you can not control"
so every little thing that has negatively happened lately, i have thought, Can i control this situation? Can i control what he or she will do or does? Can I change this? if the answer is no, i don't let it hurt my character. and i clean up the mess efficiently with out going down with it.
i have been soo much happier since i have done this
can i help that he doesn't love me?
on with the show.
the flight attendants sang as the timid passengers clung to their seats on southwest this weekend
i thought it funny
i love to fly
Monday, August 9, 2010
I really LOVE what i do
i love my life
and i feel very lucky
and im so thankful to have eyes
He would always say
"you love the most, what you sacrifice for" perhaps it should be "what you sacrifice for, you end up loving most" cuz thats what he really means
think on that one
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
aren't you just happy looking at these?
this is real. no not fire smoke. just real pure beauty that landed in my skies for about an hour.
i didn't even touch these images in ps
this is just how ridiculously fabulous our sunsets are here
i always look forward to the pink mountains at sunset
this sunday it dumped rain on my house and a couple hours later it looked like this
im coming to california
i can't wait
Monday, August 2, 2010
i want a skeleton for xmas
even its a mini sized
i learn off them all day
we touch and wiggle them and close our eyes and name parts
fun things i have learned in my studies:
-human bodies weren't ever meant to walk upright (this is why we have back problems—and because were overweight and because we have weak core muscles and because we still in dumb offices all day in crummy chairs, all of which leads to terrible posture and job security for chiropractors)
-the "heart beat" you hear is valves within your heart slamming shut when a chamber gets full of blood (so it doesn't overflow into the next chamber)
-humans are classified as so by a couple of things, one of them being that we are the only animal with screwed up teeth (this is from our unnatural diet) interesting huh? (job security: dentist)
-your appendix does absolutely nothing (except possibly burst and kill you)
-everything important (vital) in/on your body has a duplicate (or walls like in the scrotum to separate one "ball" from another so that if one gets infected—the other has a better chance of being "safe")
-protein shakes are a flippin rich scam (you get plenty of protein in your enriched foods—just drink a glass of milk after your workout, its all you need)
-listen to your body (eat what your body is craving-no not that chocolate-your body will tell you what it needs)
-when you're feeling hungry your usually just dehydrated—drink a glass or two of water then see..
i've become obsessed with watching people walk and diagnosing them, creating a rehab plan to fix them
school is fun
when you're not doing math
remember when you were ten and life was easy?
remember when you had no concept of what time it was
or how much money you had
or how you would eat that day
remember when you could just play and play and never get tired
or when you thought you would be the one to change the world
today, i wish i was ten
i wish i didn't have to think about my growing student loans
or rebugeting every month to prepare for christmas (thats a whole other tangent)
or what i needed to cook for dinner
or what load of laundry needed washing by when
or about exercising more
or about all the things im not doing
or about finding a dumb husband (p.s. the finding is the dumb part---- trust me i can find plenty of dumb ones)
or following a planner
or what i should/want to become
normally i love to make lists of goals and i get all pumped
but lately it's like this:: goal—do whatever to stay alive throughout the day
maybe cause i don't really know what im doing with my life right now.
end of desiree being sad about being an adult.
i just wanna be ten and roller blade behind a bike with a jump rope tied to it, then sprint inside and have some cherry kool-aid
is that too much to ask?
Sunday, August 1, 2010
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
2 timothy 1:7
oh i really loved today
and it just began
i feel an overwhelming sense of comfort and happiness and hope
we women at church talked about this scripture today. a lot of thoughts went through my mind.
Fear is something i never really spent time thinking about
but the fact that God casts this fear out (that fear is not given by God) is the true converting power in my life
it is one of the greatest aspects of the gospel
i began searching for truth and help and comfort at a time in my life where i have never been more afraid
i feared for my brother
i feared for how to live with pain
and it is through God's love, his Holy Ghost, that i feel POWER and LOVE and have a SOUND MIND
despite the world
this makes me happy
and whole and complete
this makes me feel like i am never alone and that HE knows me
I think i am a lil paranoid as a person
i fear heights and weird food and people that don't speak english (i know that sounds bad..)
i fear that people are missing out on hearing the gospel when i don't live righteously or obey the promptings i receive
i fear bears and sharks, and people breaking into my home
i fear something bad happening to my grandma
i fear not being able to get pregnant
i fear the reactions of sharing my testimony with my family
i fear evil cats and falling asleep with my candles burning
i fear drowning
i fear osteoporosis
i fear of being an over protective mother (after looking at this list...hahaaa)
i fear my dreams will end and i'll be boring in my head
i fear getting cancer
i fear failure so naturally
and when i just got dumped, i fear being alone
i fear being so crummy that no guy wants me
i fear my weaknesses and imperfections will curse me
and when i shower home alone, i fear someone will stab through the shower curtain sometimes. or that they're waiting outside the door. i fear that someone is in my back seat of my car or ready to rape me when im out running
and in all those times, and for all of those things, I have faith enough to close my eyes
and say a prayer
i plead for the Spirit to be with me
i plead for protection, comfort, and a clear mind
i plead for peace and joy
and every time He grants it unto me
His Spirit dispels fear
this is so wonderful to me.
during my ruts when i haven't sincerely prayed in a while, and it seems i think i can "do" life alone, I ironically find myself in a fearful position, my first and immediate reaction is always to pray
it comes so naturally and can just as quickly fill me with love and stillness and confidence
i use to walk (err.. run) home from the beesleys house when i was young. it would be late at night and i would be scared. i would, even out loud, call on God to be with me.
and that is all my troubled heart would need to feel POWER and LOVE and become SOUND.
fear has been immobilizing at times
it is the workings of the adversary
but inviting the Spirit into your mind and heart will cast out all fear
it is what fills me with joy and it is what gives me hope that I am not perfect but it will be ok
it is what gives me hope that i will be safe
life isn't going to go as Desiree plans but as God plans, and that he kind of knows better =]
As i let my thoughts go of being "sad" and i trust in this plan that God has, i become full of peace
and i will forever praise His name for helping me everyday in this way
I don't know how i could ever get through life if i had to fight fear alone
all the sudden i began to receive horse illustrated magazines
rachel yells to me, "hey dessss, your horse illustrated finally came in!!!!"
i could frankly careless about the creatures
what scam company is getting my address and wasting paper on me?
i made 3 different phone calls and i still didn't get ahold of anyone to get me off this mailing list
i had a dream today (yes i slept in the middle of the day for four hours)
that i was...well now i can't remember
but i was fighting bad guys in a swamp
i've been feeling really hungover everyday,
which really translates to being really tired
i haven't ran in two days
and that nearly kills me
my life is happy
i have lots of good things
and my house is clean and pretty
and i have a great comfort in knowing that with God,
i'm never alone
he once told me, "you love the most, what you sacrifice for"
and i've been thinking about this. deciding how true it is..