Wednesday, November 30, 2011

is love a drug?

this is an honest question i have.
it may sound weird, but today i was thinking about how strange love is.
we desire and long for this feeling.
we yearn for some kind of fulfillment in being valued and important and cared for.
hopefully, we enjoy and are happy to reciprocate and show our love for the other as well.

i am beginning to wonder if love is a drug. some kind of high.
i would imagine that chemically in our brain there are changes when we feel genuine love.
like the blue light.
i'm talking romantic love.
that once we have felt it, you can never be quite as satisfied again without it.

perhaps it is so desirable and wonderful because it encompasses every part of you: the physical, the emotional, the spiritual, the mental.

i am happy in my life.
no doubt i have plenty of struggles but in general i have faith and a good mind.
i'm in a good position.
i truly am probably the happiest i ever have been.
i think this is because i have full control over myself. i have control over my decisions. i have been making healthy decisions. and i don't have anything else "ruling" my life.
i recognize the above things are ultimately because of the gospel of Jesus Christ and his loving guidance.
but i realized something rather sad today:

i am not number one
to anyone in this world.

everyone close to me has someone else that is their number one. the person they love and value most. note: this is not a pity party. i know i am loved. i am truly blessed.
but i do seek after a man to love and share my life with.

recently, a friend (married with a child) said to me, "being married is hard, you know. having kids is so hard. this isn't all jolly and fun. please wait. take your time. you don't want this."
my first natural thought was: BOGUS!! don't feed me your crap!! and other unkind things.
but the truth is this: i have obstacles and struggles, so do you, so does she, we all do—our problems are just different kinds— but i sure would be happier carrying those burdens along with someone, making my way through this life with a friend by my side always. I know from experience that problems don't go away when you get married or have a family. i am not naive. I know new obstacles arise that you have never before faced, but the security and comfort in knowing you have a companion to share that with is strengthening. this is what i seek after.

so this time in my life is not a poor me i just want to be off and married. it's just a little lonely not being anyone's number one. it is a little bit hard to face life's challenges alone.
i pray that the man that i am to spend my life with is being prepared
in the same way that i know i am being prepared.
i am thankful for the ways that God is molding me and helping me to learn.
life is good.

i wish for you love and a happy thursday

Grammie and the babe
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Tuesday, November 29, 2011


the cuilla family.

this week has been soo wonderful.
for no reason at all

simply my mind has been healthy and happy
smiling at strangers and helping friends
i see more and more that happiness is completely a choice

your decision.
my goal of complaining less has been going well, and a great contributor to my happiness.
enjoy your evening. i'm dancing.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

"…to every man is given a gift by the Spirit of God. To some is given one, and to some is given another, that all may be profited thereby." D&C 11-12

Friday, November 25, 2011


perhaps this seems so desiree, or ironic, or whatever it may seem.
a couple months ago i was bored at work
so i went around and questioned all my co-workers on
marriage advice

note: most of my co-workers are my age or younger
and most of them are married

here's what they told me (yes ive been carrying this paper around for months..)
scribbled around fett alfredos and chick parms:

-don't hold grudges
-be able to make yourself happy
-keep an eternal perspective (the big picture)
-don't go to other family 1st with your problems
-always acknowledge each other when you/they enter the room
-communicate, real communication often
-be selfless..their happiness first
-follow the commandments
-always celebrate holidays
-sentimental over $$$ gifts
-spontaneous showing of affection
-don't talk about fights with others/talk down about your spouse
-establish good habits
-be willing to compromise
-read the scriptures and pray together

hmm…some of those are more important than others i suppose.
i have my own list.
that will be in days to come.
happy marriage hunting/living

Thursday, November 24, 2011


i needed this.

i am thankful this day for the experiences and opportunities in this life to grow.
i am thankful for the chance to change, and improve. to repent.
i am thankful for challenges, taking us out of our comfort zone, so we can become something better.

demand of yourself improvement.

i love so very much the Holy Ghost. that warmth and happiness and love that enfolds me in special moments. i felt that today and i am so grateful to be reminded that God knows and loves each of us.

yesterday, i went for a long run in the gorgeous warmth.
i thought about how terrible my perspective has been. i've been whining and crying to poor tiana and lucy for 2 weeks now. and although i suck it up like superwoman most of my days, i do break down and feel like crap. like human? they get my early morning texts telling them to remind me of a reason to get out of bed. they get the late night texts saying i don't know why..

i determined- on this run- that my goal for december is to not complain. to stop the pity party and so serve others. this specific time in my life is full of a lot of change, big decisions, and growth. i am grateful to have the gospel, and more importantly, the Holy Ghost to guide me through this. I am grateful for my savior, Jesus Christ, who strengthens me and lifts me up each time I fall.

all hard times and challenges can be taken with gratitude if we have the right perspective.
we choose how we react and respond to stimulus, the obstacles that come at us.
How do you respond? How do you react?

choose happiness, then act on it. live it.
i'm trying to.
He never told us this life was going to be easy, but it is worth it.

i am grateful to know this.
happy thanksgiving. tell someone you love em, eh?

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

strange steps

"creative thinking invloves breaking out of established patterns in order to look at things in different ways." —edward de bono

seek to understand what other's see and WHY they see the world the way they do…


Wednesday, November 16, 2011

your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
oh i don't have a choice, but i still choose you

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

i slept until 1:30
I had to force myself to wake up
that is 13.5 hours of sleep
i want to runaway
i want to hold my baby nephew
i want to eat fruit

i miss snowbording
morgans dance moves
and pumpkin pie

i had good conversation in a brick building
i had turkey
and i had laughter

i feel a shopping spree coming on...

Sunday, November 13, 2011

one day, i will know all things.
but until then—
i am forced/learning to trust in the Lord
and i will have joy

three days ago, snot was everywhere and i said, heavenly father, i know there must be something you're trying to teach me. i am thankful for the change. bring it on.

Friday, November 11, 2011

and this is what i am.

dear world. take it or leave it. i'm the smudge in this light.
messy and imperfect and tragically in love with love.
i walked out of the temple today and cried because i am so thankful to have my body.
my eyes. my mind. my particular family. to have truth and goodness in my life.
i am thankful for music. for my ears. for time to lay and listen.
for the feel of paper, to read. to learn everyday.

i walked up to him and say, "john. sometimes, life throws you a curve ball."
john says, "did you knock it over the fence?"
"i swung and i missed john."
he gets serious, "what did he do to you?"
i pretend to not hear his words. "my table just left me three dollars."
he didn't forget, "they don't even know.
you're worth a trillion dollars."

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Inspire means to breathe life into another

accept your greatness

i think i found the answer to my last post in this AMAZING interview with Oprah. I know it's really long, but there are soooo many great points she makes. i summarized my notes below. if nothing else, please watch from minute 9 and minute 17... and minute 57…

Watch live streaming video from facebookguests at

i think i was just too young to realize how awesome Oprah is until now. she has such a clear and well structured mind. her communication skills are phenomenal.
she is powerful. she is inspiring. she is humble and strong. she is the kind of woman that changes the world.
i want to develop characteristics she holds.

i love the stress she placed on becoming who YOU individually have the ability to become.
reaching your true and full potential.
the journey of life is finding your personal legend, your purpose, your mission.
this is specific to just you. your talents, your skills, your education, your mind, your opportunities---—using those things to serve others, change the world.
taking time to devote to finding what this purpose is for you.
the space of awareness of yourself and what you can do.

*the "why you are here on earth" is what fuels and shapes what you do everyday. the bigger picture.
*accept your greatness. allow yourself to celebrate YOU. be your authentic self.
believe in yourself and your purpose.

*the world will try to tell us who we are. the world tell us that what everyone
else is doing is better than what we can accomplish. THIS IS NOT TRUE.

*"what we all desire is the fullest, highest expression of ourselves"

*alignment. get people to see the best in themselves. individual empowerment. then contribute to the synergy and alignment of
our relationships, our workplace, our mission, our communities


*All we want is to feel of value. that someone hears us. Do I matter to you? Am I of worth? Do you hear me? Is this going well?
You're ok. Give them that validation.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

how do you feel your worth?
what makes you feel that you are of great worth?

i've been sitting on this one for a while. thoughts?

Monday, November 7, 2011

im sick in bed.
my sleep is heavy
the weekend was beautiful though: we snuggled and talked for hours, ate thai in the upstairs room of a house, laughed & danced, i cried-he sang along with his guitar, i gasped with a smile at the fresh snow on the pines, ate gingersnap cookies, then played with friends for hours at a cabin in the snow.

there are so many things i don't know.
sunday in church i listened to someone bear their testimony (public sharing their knowledge and thoughts) of Jesus Christ. i thought about my relationship with the savior this past year. i cried remembering the pain i have felt in being single at this time. in being jealous of other women. and the selfish anguish that brought me. i feel so silly for those feelings.
i didn't want to be that woman.
i tried so hard to be strong and endure. and when i sought my savior, and asked for help--- he came to my side. and lifted my burdens.

i couldn't possibly be more happy with this very moment in my life. i don't want it to speed up. i don't want it to slip by. i want to remember the details and hear the crunch of the leaves and feel the warmth of this season.

i am so thankful for the things i have learned so far in life. the hard things that have shaped my mind and memories. that help me to be prepared for today. to enjoy today. i love creating this every day. even if today is just spent watching tangled, and other love movies, in bed.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

sacred things seem to loose their sacredness when they're not treated as such.

there are a billion reasons why i should be stressed out right now.
but i'm as calm as could be.
my thoughts and feelings are so peaceful. and right. and even.

i couldn't be more thankful to God for my blessings. for Morgan. for a clear mind. for real friends. for a loving family. for the things that i have learned.
when a problem arose today—one that would normally make me cry—i logically got on my knees and prayed.
i didn't know what to pray for exactly, but it was what i needed.
i felt so much relief and faith in God.
there are things i need to do on my end, but I know he will guide me.
i am thankful for that hope in the fulfilling of his promises.

i'm in love. can you tell?