Tuesday, April 28, 2009

stealing kisses

im not a musican. im not completely knowledgeable about the inner workings. i don't remember the names of each album or their bass players name. i don't memorize every word to every popular band. i don't read those sites that state their opinion of every indie no namer. i sing off key most of the time. but music is a word that means so much more to me, like the word widow. i get goose bumps and chills listening to adam pasion which can be viewed above, and the beautiful angi lemucchi. music moves through me. the lyrics penetrate me. my blood bubbles, and my mind is engaged. im thoroughly in love with broken social scene. they inspire me. its blissful. music has always been able to do this for me. my muse. my energy. my ability to dance alone. these things i love.

above are images i took at a local show: troubadour, angi lemucchi, metabear, and adam pasion.
to view more of the photos from this night click click click


Sunday, April 26, 2009

birds ate my face

i overflow with love today
i just flip through my scriptures, "wickedness never was happiness"

i turn the page, the image of dan and i on the day of my baptism peeks out

i turn the page, "who can glory too much in the Lord?"
i turn the page, "I give not because I have not, but if I had I would give."
i turn the page, "...but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things."

somewhere in one of my manuals, in one of my lessons today, i read a line saying something about those that don't have peace in their lives, those that don't have a relationship with their savior, those that don't have a fulness of joy--don't quite realize what they are missing out on. there is more happiness to be felt, my friends. there is more comfort and love and so many more blessings awaiting you. i want to spill over these things to you, but i can't make you want them any more than i can change tide. in these moments of intense gratitude and love and happiness i want so badly for others to indulge in the goodness!! i'd like to walk around and hand out these tiny morsels of joy. with colorful wrappers, and hazelnut cream inside. oh yum.

i've been studying some conference talks on adversity lately. seems there is a lot of that going on. mishaps. there is great comfort to me in knowing that God does not give us anything that he doesn't already know we can handle. He will never give us a trial we can not endure. He will never leave us alone, without a way out. He gives us these obstacles, these hard times, for our benefit. For us to grow, for us to be humbled and turn to our savior, for us to draw closer to our loved ones, for us to know what true happiness is, to gain knowledge. it is my hope that we may pray to the Lord not for our afflictions to be taken away from us, but that we may have the patience and strength and Spirit to endure and learn from these experiences. If we were not to have pain with joy we would never truly know joy.

here's a non-super spiritual sunday message: i cleared my head last night, as i usually do. and may i put a plug in for another Chuck Palaniuk book im reading, Invisible Monsters. Palaniuk is a genius. and i would think he was an uber crazy creep, but it seems he's somewhat normal. but, really, whats normal?

so here is a poem..composed last night..my thoughts are so silly sometimes.

the tackle in my treasure box

this reminds me that I have the ability to feel more
my brightest rose-orange fingertips
skirts are lightening my load
my boxes so neatly aligned
cursive print, foral quilt
each dusted, but getting old

and the sun is burning its mark
into the same shapes on the wall

the photographs color is dulling
my toes trapped in the soft of your blankets
and a banner becomes my thought-talk
red ribbon
reads words, worded widow
emotionally expressive
her sad park bench
the perfect roundness of babies cheeks
widows heart aches
fresh grass and dancing lullabies

do the flashbacks scroll by?
your red banner ribboned little head
fish hooks
my tears
window light keeps catching my gleams
for my fear
for my outside dreams
for good or bad, the passion is always near
all the lovely little pieces
so broken, and never before, so alive
the widow, she sings as she walks
mask lifted upon the sky
stretching up. up.
surely, away, angels ring

Friday, April 24, 2009

oh, hello there

check out THIS VIDEO when you have a moment

its rad
and pretty
and sounds pretty
and i love pretty things

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

the lovebug

i just read this article in yahoo news about a couple that was married for 67 years and died just 6 hours apart from one another.

i just melt and want to cry and know the ache in needing to be near your spouse.

there is a couple that comes in to my work and sits in my section at least once a week. they're polite and sweet and very very old. the man has a cane, and the woman barely moves. and when i bring her her lasagna and him, his minestrone, he takes 4 minutes to get up with his cane, shuffles to her side of the table, and cuts up her lasagna for her.

im about to cry. this is so sweet. and i wish i had a better word than sweet. romantic, selfless, devoted, loving, tender. so wonderful.

it makes me smile and have hope. i hope there are still men like this left in the world.

i saw at a different table, a woman feeding her husband that was handicaped in a wheel chair. she wiped salad from off his lap. and i know the love that these people feel for each other. needing each other. serving each other.

nothing has ever been so real and sincere.

i smile knowing some day i'll be lucky enough to share that again.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

the spring is upon us

these are but a few of the lovely briauna king's senior portraits.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Friday, April 17, 2009

how i always want to remember

i haven't been able to sleep at all this week. except for the night i took a swig of nyquil to rest my stuffy head.

i have been laying in bed for at least 2 hours before my body gives into the sleep lately.
my mind won't let it go.
it bounces around topics, and eventually writes poetry. sometimes its cool, but not cool enough to turn on the light and leave the warmth of my bed. but last night i was annoyed with my awakeness so i wrote. i kinda hate it but whatever. it began with the thought of one boy, then drifted to another boy, and ended with yet a different boy. stupid man. but the three aren't connected at all, and i don't even know why i was thinking of them.


the nose length
the shirt length
the record length
the hair length
the song length
the silence length
i am wedge between

where you're too much,
he's not enough
the tips of a V
that i've fallen between
into the crack I trip
smaller, smaller, furthur i go
to the tip bottom corner,
i stretch forth for the last feel
i open my palm but no ones there
dead, cold air grazes my arm
there is nothing to hold
your length is too much
and never enough

im quiet and waiting
submissive in my V like corner
where weighty gravity pulls

you dance in my dreams
sparkles in my head
echos of laughter
and overly sunny days

you give me one of those looks
and i funny face it back
you wink, i smirk
and you kiss my blushed cheek bone
i swirl in my dress
a tap on my shoulder
i spin your direction
and suddenly you've faded
i can't even remember your face
your voice is lost
the boy that was once so alive
buried, all the emotion with it.
and i can't recall your smell
or the song you sung
so I cry to remember it all
and still, you're floating away

curled in my corner
there is nothing to hold
dead, cold air grazes my arm
i stretch forth for the last feel
and try to remember,
at what length would be ideal?

my new business cards will be by this graphic designer.

Marc Johns Postcards

Postcards $19.99
Buy this on MOO.com

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


phoenix is my new favorite band.
i listened to them in a car wash today.

i have to suppress the growing urge to roll down my windows in the car wash.

but with the music, it was the best solo dance party i've ever had.

listen to them. please do. right here here here

here is a thought from my book, written from a woman on a spiritual journey, a woman not of my faith, but a woman who discovers some of the richest realities of this life.
"This is what rituals are for. We do spiritual ceremonies as human beings in order to create a safe resting place for our most complicated feelings of joy or trauma, so that we don't have to haul those feelings around with us forever, weighing us down. We all need such places of ritual safekeeping. And I do believe that if your culture or tradition doesn't have the specific ritual you're craving, the you are absolutely permitted to make up a ceremony of your own devising, fixing your own broken-down emotional systems with all the do-it-yourself resourcefulness of a generous plumber/poet. If you bring the right earnestness to your homemade ceremony, God will provide the grace. And that is why we need God."

the next line says, "So I stood up and did a handstand on my Guru's roof, to celebrate the notion of liberation."

(a handstand!?!? rad. i don't even think i could do one...)
And i don't know that i entirely agree with everything she writes about. But as she tells her story of find herself, it makes you think about how you've found, or are continually finding, yourself. i think about the extremity of feelings in my life. on either end of the spectrum. either way, i keep them locked away as not to loose them, or forever to loose them. it's all so strange. but most the time, those feelings are "away" from me. and this keeps me sane.
but i agree with her in only being able to get through these ups and downs by the grace of God. and he will come to you no matter your situation, no matter your practices, no matter your beliefs.

man, i don't come on here to write about spiritual matter every time, but when i express myself, it always comes back to it. perhaps because i am so ultimately indebted to my creator for all that i am.
so here is a website that you should check out...its way cool. i found it the other day. its a great idea, and fun to explore. you get to make a list of your goals/dreams/desires. and view others. its inspiring. and thinking about your personal goals is always great. keeps you in check with yourself and progression. do it do it do it.

im still having sushi withdrawls.
im still running.
im still out of love.

=] smile me pretty!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

miss casey semple

there is a knot in my right shoulder and i am craving sushi with great intensity and i smell from soccer and im not even tired and i find myself missing arizona evenings and i love you.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

come what may, and love it

written april 2 ::

"The memories are faded. i think i have gone a day or two without his memory awakening me to the reality of what i am not enjoying. it's silly how some moments you think you won't make it through the day.
that your dreams are unattainable.
that you somehow deserve the crap life has dealt you.
those are the workings of satan. the little voice in your head that wants to drag you down.
and here i am.
happy. healthy. enjoying myself in each day. in every way.
today, i have treated myself to a pesto panini. and that is living love in the moment.
the saturation of the graffiti-ed walls i shot in front of today.
love. bliss. smiles behind the shade of my camera.
i love the life i am creating."

written april 5 ::

" i'm sitting at the beach.

A ME day. Today was general conference. It is touching and reassuring to hear and feel the prophet and apostles speak.

i love the order of the church
i love the hope of the gospel
i love the joy of living righteously
i love the strength in the atonement

I walk by a beach house, in my bikini top and sweats, and a garage band is jamming

i have realized something. i often fall in love with ideas.
with thoughts and dreams.
sometimes its all i have.
to dream.

there are a lot of sail boats out today
A triangle of perfect white on this water coloured sea.
it is calm and flat
and the sun makes you want a warm nap.

"you're all i think, you're all i miss."

i have sea salt and body salt coating my tanned skin.
i ran here.

A man with the brightest vibrant red sweater stands out on the rocky ledge.

it seems with each boy, that my list of what im looking for gets longer
and seemingly impossible.

there is sand under my nails.
i want to do yoga
i want to go to india
i want children to feed.

i saw young couples sitting on each others' laps on the wide-open beach front.
normally i would mutter something in envy.
but today i smiled. its romantic.
the stupid things they must be giggling about. the damn tickle war going on.

then a little girl with long wavy hair runs by, bright rainbow kite in hand.
it zips through the sky.
she runs, unaware of anything but this dream catcher.

so i turn my face to the sun.
to bake my skin.
soak in some vitamin d
cancel the music
waves beat against the cliffs
the tide is coming in.

and here, alone, i'm in love.

i see God's power,mercy, and grace.
I'm aware how lucky i am.
I'm grateful for my knowledge.
so grateful to know how to create happiness for myself, and hopefully soon for others.

the cutest boy just rode off into the sunset.

i am happy and pleased and so blessed.
i love all things
i have much to improve.
and still so much to learn and master

im grateful for my senses
for sopapias
for great friends
and for empowering runs. "

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Thursday, April 9, 2009

i kissed my fish goodnight

i feel, today, so incredibly inadequate. i was describing to someone-- in their response to my new car--how humble i feel. its odd. i AM incredibly (i hate when writers use the same word twice, but i just really like this word) excited about my car, and i love it immensely, but i don't feel like i deserve it. in a previous post, about the book "the alchemist", it says that this feeling of inadequacy can be an obstacle to gaining and enjoying your dream or goal. and for a long time, a new car was my dream. and now that i have it, i feel like im not good enough for it. as i knelt in prayer this evening i rattled off to heavenly father all that he has blessed me with, i thanked him for his love and giving me all these things and people, right down to the little boy at work that made me smile from ear to ear. i am so inadequate. i do not deserve all these things. to my friend, about my car, i stated, "im just waiting for the dream to end, and have my car taken away from me..." and i am afraid i feel this way with relationship with heavenly father. not that i feel he will ever stop loving me, but im afraid that things have been just "too good" and that there must be a rough patch just waiting for me to fall into here soon. i hope this isn't so. maybe i shouldn't be expressing these things so openly. perhaps all im really getting at is that i am so very very lucky for all that i have. i am surrounded by people that i love, skills that i love, artists that i love, health that i love, and dreams that i love. i know that it has only been through the sweet love and grace of my father in heaven that i have become who i am today. when i do fall short, his hand is outstretched to pull me along. even for the times that i am so terribly inadequate. he never fails me, even when i fail him.

i keep thinking, lately, how grateful i am for all my senses. this is not a typical thought. but i find myself thanking God for my sight and my smell and taste and touch and especially to hear. tears almost well up in my eyes. some people don't get to use all these senses, but i am forever thankful to be tune with them, and enjoy them to their excess. i thought today, as i ate these amazing mint things (their like wild berry or something, in a round tin, by a big brand i cant remember), just how many taste buds am i using right now? I swished this wild berry sensation in my mouth and talked to my mouth, "alright bud 26-58, enjoy the treat...NOW!" . i'm crazy man. thats just weird. maybe i shouldn't post this. bahha.

my buddy matthew and i were talking tonight and i had a good one: "maybe i should just go crazy-- the best artists all are".

=] here is a poem that is quite popular, and quite wonderful.
it touches me deeply. there is nothing greater in this world than to feel how strongly Heavenly Father loves you.

The Touch of the Master's Hand

"Twas battered and scared, and the auctioneer
Thought it scarcely worth his while
To waste much time on the old violin,
But he held it up with a smile.
"What am I bidden, good folks," he cried,
"Who'll start bidding for me?
A dollar, a dollar - now who"ll make it two _
Two dollars, and who"ll make it three?

"Three dollars once, three dollars twice,
Going for three". . . but no!
From the room far back a gray-haired man
Came forward and picked up the bow;
Then wiping the dust from the old violin,
And tightening up the strings,
He played a melody,pure and sweet,
As sweet as an angel sings.

The music ceased and the auctioneer
With a voice that was quiet and low,
Said: "What am I bidden for the old violin?"
And he held it up with the bow;
"A thousand dollars - and who'll make it two?
Two thousand - and who'll make it three?
Three thousand once, three thousand twice
And going - and gone," said he.

The people cheered, but some of them cried,
"We do not quite understand -
What changed its worth?" The man replied:
"The touch of the masters hand."
And many a man with life out of tune,
And battered and torn with sin,
Is auctioned cheap to a thoughtless crowd.
Much like the old violin.

A "mess of pottage," a glass of wine,
A game and he travels on,
He's going once, and going twice -
He's going - and almost gone!
But the MASTER comes, and the foolish crowd,
Never can quite understand,
The worth of a soul, and the change that's wrought
By the touch of the MASTER'S hand.

~Myra B. Welch

Monday, April 6, 2009


mixed ^^

miss casey semple has been dancing around my screen::

Sunday, April 5, 2009

present tense

so of course i am engaged in my current read.
i am loving all that i learn. heres something that has been thought provoking for me the past week or so::

prayer= me communicating to the divine [whatever that may be for you, God for me]

meditation=the divine communicating to me [allowing myself to be impressed upon. i like to create the analogy of photography film. i put myself in a 'sensitive' position so that the light (the divine) may touch, commnicate, or show unto me its message]

"I found an article in The New York Times recently about a team of neurologists who had wired up a volunteer Tibetian monk for experimental brain-scanning. They wanted to see what happens to a transcendent mind, scientifically speaking, during moments of enlightenment. In the mind of a normal thinking person, an electrical storm of thoughts and impulses whirls constantly, registering on a brain scan as yellow and red flashes. The more energy or impassioned the subject becomes, the hotter and deeper those red flashes burn. But mystics across time and cultures have all described a stilling of the brain during meditation, and say that the ultimate union with God is a blue light which they can feel radiating from the center of their skulls. In Yogic tradition, this is called "the blue pearl", and is the goal of every seeker to find it. Sure enough, the Tibetian monk, monitored during meditation, was able to quiet his mind so completely tha no red or yellow flashes could be seen. In fact, all the neurological energy of this gentleman pooled and collected at last into the center of his brain--you could see it happening right there on the monitor--into a small, cool, blue pearl of light. Just like the Yogis have always described." --Elizabeth Gilbert Eat, Pray, Love

tight. im on the quest to quiet my mind. india anyone???

Saturday, April 4, 2009


"...yea, and all things denote there is a God..." Alma 30:44

"...see that ye take care of these sacred things, yea, see that ye look to God and live."
Alma 37:47

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

glass secrets

photography to me is like playing on a playground for a 7 year old.

like my aunt kathy's homemade chocolate cake with sprinkles. like finishing a marathon. like brushing cheeks with the one you love. like dancing to your favorite song. like scoring in the last minute of the game. like laughing until you cry.

an ultimate bliss. i love the sun. i love the weight of my camera in my hand. i love realizing i'm smiling while i'm shooting.

the color green makes me ecstatic tonight.

Above is a witness of love. captured in my camera.
Danielle and Jim are a merrily engaged couple that I am stoked to have met. They're incredibly fun and terribly adorable. and I am super excited to travel to Utah for their June wedding. hip pip horray! that means i get to grub at great harvest! =D so here's just a couple of their images, im only half done--but they're like a secret, i just couldn't hold them in.

good night my loves.