Saturday, April 28, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
i yearn for a family. im not crying sad about it any more.
im ok with what i have right now.
but i dream of my own.
i wish for a husband to serve and to follow.
for someone to cook dinners for. for a priesthood holder that desires to obediently serve the Lord not for any other reason than that he understands the truth about the gospel.
i dream of quiet talks before sleep.
for open communication, trust, and honesty from each other. for him looking hot mowing the lawn. for him to show respect for me as an example to the kids, to show his love. for love notes when he's not expecting it. for his desire to improve. for being a positive father and example to my babies.
i wish for a home to create.
for warmth and the sweet feeling of the Spirit always. for checker flooring. for clean sheets. for gentle tones, laughter shared, and inspiration between those walls. for new traditions, our own life, and support when life gets hard. big sunday dinners, kids dirty soccer jerseys, and decorations. i wish for children to teach. to give them freedom to dream. to give them the best chance at happiness as possible by sharing the gospel with them. i dream of us creating a safe haven from the world.
i wish to share my testimony often. to prepare myself to be this mother and wife i aspire to be by improving my weaknesses now. i wish to be nonjudgmental, loving, tender, and thoughtful as this woman. i wish to gain as much knowledge as i can so i can teach my babies. i wish to always improve and grow. i wish to one day serve a mission with my husband. i wish for many things.
for now, i must sleep.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
last night i laid my head on pauls chest and sadly/sarcastically muttered: i hate my life.
those words are awful, and so far from the truth.
even if it was a joke, i wished i hadnt said it out loud.
i am so thankful to be me. im not awesome, but my life IS. the blessings are. the people in my life are. im thankful for my challenges and my struggles. for my mind and my body. for my location and my career. for my family and for the people who support me. for my chances to grow and be better. for my relationship with my Savior, whom never ceases to have mercy on me.
once, long ago, an older woman taught: if it werent for afflictions/difficulties/trials, then we would have no need for a savior or a relationship with him. if we never fell down or sinned, we would never come crying to him out of humility. we would never know him.
as painful and hard as it may be, i am thankful to HAVE TO know my savior.
i miss this…i want the fall.
i miss this…i want the fall.
i am so off track. to the point where i am becoming desperate to be back in the drivers seat.
the reasons why keep coming back to my schedule. my lack of designated scripture/prayer time. i keep being prompted to study my patriarchal blessing. but i keep forgetting what im looking for in it. it's the line that says to take the time to be alone to meditate upon those things that are spiritual.
i need that.
i need to be reminded that im not here for me. im here to do God's will. So He can use me. So He can bless others through me.
How selfish I have been.
I know that God created all the details of this life. I know that he has a plan for us, before and beyond this life on earth that is perfect. Part of that perfect plan is a savior, Jesus Christ, who is the only way to be clean and whole and worthy to be with God again one day. I know that families are the heart of his plan. I know that i have been a mess lately and that i have failed him. I know that ive missed opportunities to serve and help other people because of it. I know that i am weak and that my imperfections are many. I know that the moment i think i don't need "a church" or "a God", that my pride has taken over, that I stop improving. The only way i know how to be happy is in being obedient to Gods commandments. So far nothing else in my life has brought me more happiness. this is the truth.
also my belly hurts really bad.
have a happy easter sunday.
i am thankful for a plan which includes the resurrection of our savior, that we too may be resurrected one day.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
i would just like to admit to anyone reading this (hi mum.) that i sucked this past month at accomplishing almost any of my goals.
like. really sucked.
including my blogging. where did i go?
theres a boy. and this job. and lots of photos. and i was also sick.
queen of excuses.
i will be better.
one of my goals was to show my family more love.
fail. i can't wait to see them in 2 weeks.
happy wednesday people.