Sunday, April 8, 2012

it will never fail you

last night i laid my head on pauls chest and sadly/sarcastically muttered: i hate my life.
those words are awful, and so far from the truth.
even if it was a joke, i wished i hadnt said it out loud.
i am so thankful to be me. im not awesome, but my life IS. the blessings are. the people in my life are. im thankful for my challenges and my struggles. for my mind and my body. for my location and my career. for my family and for the people who support me. for my chances to grow and be better. for my relationship with my Savior, whom never ceases to have mercy on me.

once, long ago, an older woman taught: if it werent for afflictions/difficulties/trials, then we would have no need for a savior or a relationship with him. if we never fell down or sinned, we would never come crying to him out of humility. we would never know him.

as painful and hard as it may be, i am thankful to HAVE TO know my savior.
i miss this…i want the fall.

i am so off track. to the point where i am becoming desperate to be back in the drivers seat.
the reasons why keep coming back to my schedule. my lack of designated scripture/prayer time. i keep being prompted to study my patriarchal blessing. but i keep forgetting what im looking for in it. it's the line that says to take the time to be alone to meditate upon those things that are spiritual.
i need that.

i need to be reminded that im not here for me. im here to do God's will. So He can use me. So He can bless others through me.
How selfish I have been.

I know that God created all the details of this life. I know that he has a plan for us, before and beyond this life on earth that is perfect. Part of that perfect plan is a savior, Jesus Christ, who is the only way to be clean and whole and worthy to be with God again one day. I know that families are the heart of his plan. I know that i have been a mess lately and that i have failed him. I know that ive missed opportunities to serve and help other people because of it. I know that i am weak and that my imperfections are many. I know that the moment i think i don't need "a church" or "a God", that my pride has taken over, that I stop improving. The only way i know how to be happy is in being obedient to Gods commandments. So far nothing else in my life has brought me more happiness. this is the truth.

also my belly hurts really bad.
have a happy easter sunday.
i am thankful for a plan which includes the resurrection of our savior, that we too may be resurrected one day.

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