Monday, February 27, 2012

The new dew

'Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good. If ye walk uprightly and remember the covenant wherewith ye have covenanted one with another.' D&C 90:24
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guardians of virtue

a native american legend:

within our souls are two wolves.
one that is of all things good: love, happiness, charity, loyalty, honesty, compassion, selflessness, confidence
and another, that is of angst, sin, self doubt, impatience, ignorance, and self pity.

when the chief was asked which of the two wolves would win in a battle..
he replied: the one that thou feeds.

i have come to realize that most failure comes from our choice. or our choice to neglect certain things.
we choose to win or fail.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

the endless inbetween

i'm loosing myself a little.
its because i haven't been good about my prayers and scripture study each day this week.
next week i will be better.
i have a busy week at the new job. juggling two jobs where neither are making ends meet right now. but life could be worse. i love love love personal training. i love the contact with humans. i love the passion i feel about what i teach. i love helping.

i need to be guided more. i don't like being cut off from the Spirit at all.
yuck feeling.
im so happy i have sunday to hit refresh. recommit. reorganize.

love you. dearly.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Got my toes did with lucyloo last night. Drank my fav lemon citrus herbal tea at the chocolate. And lounged on their couches while flipping through images in magazines.
Also I got my hair cut so I look like a 20s flapper/little girl/awesome.
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it was a friday night.

months ago. when i just melted.

tiny vessels

the heel of my boots clicked.
i ran to the front door.
i stood there jumbling my keys. frantically looking around.
for the man who peered in my window that one time.
i mumbled a prayer.
my heart raced. i do this every night.
the day was warm but the storm blew leaves.
chasing me to my stairwell.
in the car, the music played to the dancing trees.

i wanted to cry.
but i felt indifferent.
something was weird inside me today. it wasn't good or bad.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

over my cereal

epiphany of the day:
be nice to people.
do good work.
compliment people. help people. think/say nice things. genuinely love them.
pray for them. all of them. make sure they are ok. listen to them.
reach out to the one. have a general positive attitude about how you treat others.

and you will be happy.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

when i cant recall his voice

a year ago i learned: you don't have to stop loving someone. you can't. and always fighting that, talking yourself out of it. it isn't right either. impossible? not fair?

so now. i accept those that i love. and i don't tell myself to stop. i tell myself to be ok with reality.
this letter fell out of a book last night…i didn't recall writing must have been from one of those nights. when i couldn't sleep. when i tried everything.

dearest morgan,
I awoke from a nap and before I was even truly awake—my mind turned to you. half there, i cried, "heavenly father, please help me."
I don't know where things went wrong. I don't know that there actually was anything wrong.
things that i do know:
-i love you
-we cried in a park on large leaves. you played the guitar and i felt love all over my body.
-we like photographs
-and you like milk
-we dance
-i wouldn't be mad spending forever traveling this life with you
-there is something beyond us
-you make me alive

i sat in the temple tonight just wanting peace. succor from the emptiness. i didn't want to think of you.
but you were all that could come to mind.
and it hurt.
it was not fun.
and i replayed memories.
and my chest ached.
and i thought of our hands clasped on that altar and that look in your eyes. and that is it. and it seems as real.
my eyes burn.
when i told myself to stop, that i must move on. that there must be something more.
i wouldn't allow it.
i can't think of anything wrong.
your details are my everything.
i adore the things no one even notices.
and i wish i could hold those memories forever.
i will live but it just isnt good enough.
and no one is.

and the cars that pass by
the song in my head
the image of your stare
and the cold sets
you're everywhere
it blows right through me
i'm standing here
but you don't see me
it achingly seeps through your palms
my thoughts are webbed
the kind of clutter that just wont move
and i can't move.

after some time
maybe a long time.
my mind will forget these things
my heart will let it fade
and i wont know any better
then what might have been
can be replaced and covered over
some new one
and eventually the days will go by
this memory will be unreadable
my pieces, i'll sew up
as if it were always together.

anyone would be lucky to be loved the way i love that kid.
dear heaven, please make it go away. thank you. love always.
i wish i had the choice on who i love.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Zebra heads

Remember the time that joshua and I stood on a bus for 2 hours in hollywood, just to travel 8 miles?
We still had the most dreamy of evenings.
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Saturday, February 11, 2012

of heart

"…seek ye earnestly the best gifts, always remembering for what they are given."

7 years ago tomorrow. i made a decision that would change my life forever.
at that point, I could have never comprehended the way I would be transformed. the way my path would be redirected.

often in the scriptures the word CONVERSION is linked with the term: turn.
for example, "turn thou to thy God" "turn ye even to me with all your heart"
I love that turn is a verb. a physical thing.
turning takes effort.
turning is a new direction.
turning opens our eyes to things that were once out of our view.
turning can not be done for us.

this morning joshua and i talked about some aspects of the gospel over bagels.
conclusion of the conversation: God gives unto us what we ask. ASK. We spoke about how questions are what provokes learning. In my meeting this morning a leader (Utchdorf) spoke about how progression halts when we stop asking questions, when we stop pondering deeper meanings. the gospel, particularly the restored gospel, is rooted from humans asking questions. Joseph Smith got on his knees in a grove and asked which church of all those out there is the true church.
We also know that to be blessed, we need to ask for those blessings. When we desire to be baptized, we are asking to be members of His true church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. When we ask for these things, we are showing to God our readiness to receive them. THIS IS PROFOUND. please ponder it.
Over the past seven years I have asked a lot of questions. I have asked God for a lot of things. I have asked for specific things, special things, things that are out of my control. things do not always work out my way. but STILL, my prayers are answered and I begin to see how I am blessed for it.
Part of conversion is a conscious acceptance of the will of God.

In 7 years I see how he has blessed and shaped my life because I have asked for it. He has given it to me. This is amazing. This is power.
some of those blessings and ways that he has shaped my life are too precious and tender to speak of on this blog. other ways include the way my perspective has changed, my growth, the way i have been prepared to be a mother and wife, the opportunity to teach other people, the amazing people i have met, the direction in career and passions, the relationships i have with family, the emphasis on the importance of things that really matter, strength to get up when i fall, understanding of why the world works the way it does, how to live simply, and the capacity of power that i possess. these are just a few things off the top of my head.

i always feel selfish in asking God for things and for blessings, but I now see that he WANTS me to be happy. he wants to bless me. why not right? he's got nothing to loose! but I have to be humble enough to ask. to TURN. to show him that i am converted. in my heart and in my mind, together, i know that this gospel is the greatest source of happiness. I know that life is hard enough, do not deprive yourself of the blessings he so readily wants to give. believe that He is, and can do what He says he can.

funny, i just randomly turned to this page in the scriptures… "But ye are commanded in all things to ask of God, who giveth liberally; and that which the Spirit testifies unto you even so I would that ye should do in all holiness of heart, walking uprightly before me, considering the end of your salvation, doing all things with prayer and thanksgiving, that ye may not be seduced by evil spirits, or doctrines of devils, or the commandments of men; for some are of men, and others of devils." D&C 46:7

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

25 wonderful things about being me at 25

1. i have no stretch marks
2. i have graduated college
3. i have fabulous taste in music (current favs: faded paper figures, the civil wars, coldplay, passion pit, discovery)
4. i am not stuck in a marriage i hate (that is awesome)
5. i love my life
6. i have the greatest family and friends
7. i've learned what i love, need, and want
8. i run 3+ days a week 3+ miles
9. i am a disciple of Jesus Christ, I have found His gospel
10. i live in a gorgeous and amazing place
11. i weigh less than 125 lbs
12. fear, adults, and pressure have not distinguished my dreams. (victory!)
13. i have nothing tying me down to anything. i can move wherever i want, i can do any career, i can do any hobby, i can go in any direction at all
14. i have broadened my palate, i now eat more cultural foods. numm
15. i really only have to worry about myself, but i am becoming better a
t loving others
16. mostly, my body doesn't hurt
17. i rock climb
18. i see the world around me. i stop. i smell. i look at the details. i find joy in this.
19. i have an unshakeable testimony of Jesus Christ
20. i absolutely am filled with happiness when i dance 3 or more nights a week
21. i began shooting film
22. i have learned better how to master myself
23. i recognize what is important, and have learned to be realistic
24. i can do the splits
25. i know who i am, who i want to be, and how to get there.
25 is going to be a splendid year. i can feel it.
mum, thank you for everything. and your card made me cry.
more than once.
i love you.

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Monday, February 6, 2012

paper arrow

i sat on a plane a couple of months ago.
a little girl and her father sat behind me.
she cried for some time near the end of the flight.
her dad turned to her and asked her to hush.
she covered her poor ears and wailed, "but i can't because the plane is hurting me too much."

that story is irrelevant. it just made me smile that day.

i have been thinking about the necessities people need/desire/want in this life.
i feel like the better we can understand people and what they want, the better we can be as a friend/family member/spouse/coworker/etc
needs like: feeling valued, loved, feeling like they contribute somet
hing to the relationship as well, feeling like they are heard, feeling like they are growing and succeeding, or feeling like they doing well, like they matter at all.

i found this writing in the back of one of my books, i had forgotten i'd written it while i was on that plane… :

i've learned SO MUCH in the past two years about myself, more so about relationships. I have become better at mastering myself, improving, taking a mature approach, understanding my feelings, accepting criticism, loving others, patience, choosing my words, communicating disappointments and expectations effectively, and about how to reach my potential. I feel that, more than ever, I am prepared to serve and love others. I feel more like an instrument in God's hands. I want to do his will. I am learning to recognize his will and I have the courage to act upon it. I am learning to surpass my ego. I am learning to admit defeat and be humble.

christmas morning.

i miss my family this weekend.
i have recently learned about people in my life that have little to no family. one has been cast out by family. my bum, dennis, too. i think this is just plain awful.
i wish i could change this. i don't think there is any appropriate excuse for abandoning and not taking care of your family. it hurts my heart that some people have to deal with that pain.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Saturday, February 4, 2012

the space around me

in the premortal life, (life in the spirit world, before we came to earth)
we chose to come to Earth.

all of us did.
hitler did too.
and we knew it would be difficult. we knew we would be cut off from the presence of God. we knew some of us would rebel or get lost. but we also KNEW we had a Savior that covenanted to suffer for us, for our imperfections. so that one day, we could be cleansed and whole, that we may live with God again after this mortal life.

sometimes, when life gets hard, i like to think about what i thought in premortal life. did i look down ( in a very 3rd person scrooge-like state ) and laugh at all the dumb boys i've cried over? was i filled with joy seeing all the blessings i would receive and the sweet people i loved? did i mourn for the people that hurt and seemed lost? did i ever hesitate that i could really do this? that i could handle my obstacles and challenges?

what did my brother think? did he know that he would live a normal active life then at 24, loose it all? did he know he would sit in a bed 24 hours a day without communication? for years? did he say, put me in coach! i'm ready! i see why this must be.. did he know it, and STILL chose it? did he choose to come to earth knowing the way he would bless lives? lead me to the gospel? did he willingly sacrifice to learn, grow, receive a body, so that he could return to live with Heavenly Father again? because he loved him that much?

when i have those days when i think, i just can't do this.. i remember that i chose this.
i chose to come to earth. i chose to endure hard things so i could have even better things.
i am choosing to get the most out of it.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Life is good.

Reasons why you should rock climb:

»its is one of the most empowering activities you could to yoga? What else? Thats probably it. Not even a marathon compares..
»feeling the energy of the earth through the rock. Absolutely. Bliss.
»there arnt many ladies who do it so you'll have your pick of men perhaps...
»you develop amazing toned shoulders and back...gorgeous
»you can wear a beanie the whole time if you want. I seem to love this. Comfy.
»you develop the strength to pull your phone from between the seats and not let go when the crack gets small!
»amazing cardio and toning in one workout
» there is a sense of confidence built. Like you can physically do anything. Mission impossible like.
»you discover how very powerful you actually are
»you begin to have power over your doubting mind and fears
»if nothing else, you should do it because you should try new things.

There is joy.
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