when i cant recall his voice

a year ago i learned: you don't have to stop loving someone. you can't. and always fighting that, talking yourself out of it. it isn't right either. impossible? not fair?

so now. i accept those that i love. and i don't tell myself to stop. i tell myself to be ok with reality.

this letter fell out of a book last night…i didn't recall writing it..it must have been from one of those nights. when i couldn't sleep. when i tried everything.

dearest morgan,

I awoke from a nap and before I was even truly awake—my mind turned to you. half there, i cried, "heavenly father, please help me."

I don't know where things went wrong. I don't know that there actually was anything wrong.

things that i do know:

-i love you

-we cried in a park on large leaves. you played the guitar and i felt love all over my body.

-we like photographs

-and you like milk

-we dance

-i wouldn't be mad spending forever traveling this life with you

-there is something beyond us

-you make me alive

i sat in the temple tonight just wanting peace. succor from the emptiness. i didn't want to think of you.

but you were all that could come to mind.

and it hurt.

it was not fun.

and i replayed memories.

and my chest ached.

and i thought of our hands clasped on that altar and that look in your eyes. and that is it. and it seems as real.

my eyes burn.

when i told myself to stop, that i must move on. that there must be something more.

i wouldn't allow it.

i can't think of anything wrong.

your details are my everything.

i adore the things no one even notices.

and i wish i could hold those memories forever.

i will live but it just isnt good enough.

and no one is.

IN OCTOBER I WROTE

and the cars that pass by

the song in my head

the image of your stare

and the cold sets

you're everywhere

it blows right through me

i'm standing here

but you don't see me

it achingly seeps through your palms

my thoughts are webbed

the kind of clutter that just wont move

and i can't move.

TODAY I WROTE

after some time

maybe a long time.

my mind will forget these things

feelings

my heart will let it fade

and i wont know any better

then what might have been

can be replaced and covered over

some new one

and eventually the days will go by

this memory will be unreadable

my pieces, i'll sew up

as if it were always together.

anyone would be lucky to be loved the way i love that kid.

dear heaven, please make it go away. thank you. love always.

i wish i had the choice on who i love.