Thursday, February 16, 2012

when i cant recall his voice

a year ago i learned: you don't have to stop loving someone. you can't. and always fighting that, talking yourself out of it. it isn't right either. impossible? not fair?

so now. i accept those that i love. and i don't tell myself to stop. i tell myself to be ok with reality.
this letter fell out of a book last night…i didn't recall writing must have been from one of those nights. when i couldn't sleep. when i tried everything.

dearest morgan,
I awoke from a nap and before I was even truly awake—my mind turned to you. half there, i cried, "heavenly father, please help me."
I don't know where things went wrong. I don't know that there actually was anything wrong.
things that i do know:
-i love you
-we cried in a park on large leaves. you played the guitar and i felt love all over my body.
-we like photographs
-and you like milk
-we dance
-i wouldn't be mad spending forever traveling this life with you
-there is something beyond us
-you make me alive

i sat in the temple tonight just wanting peace. succor from the emptiness. i didn't want to think of you.
but you were all that could come to mind.
and it hurt.
it was not fun.
and i replayed memories.
and my chest ached.
and i thought of our hands clasped on that altar and that look in your eyes. and that is it. and it seems as real.
my eyes burn.
when i told myself to stop, that i must move on. that there must be something more.
i wouldn't allow it.
i can't think of anything wrong.
your details are my everything.
i adore the things no one even notices.
and i wish i could hold those memories forever.
i will live but it just isnt good enough.
and no one is.

and the cars that pass by
the song in my head
the image of your stare
and the cold sets
you're everywhere
it blows right through me
i'm standing here
but you don't see me
it achingly seeps through your palms
my thoughts are webbed
the kind of clutter that just wont move
and i can't move.

after some time
maybe a long time.
my mind will forget these things
my heart will let it fade
and i wont know any better
then what might have been
can be replaced and covered over
some new one
and eventually the days will go by
this memory will be unreadable
my pieces, i'll sew up
as if it were always together.

anyone would be lucky to be loved the way i love that kid.
dear heaven, please make it go away. thank you. love always.
i wish i had the choice on who i love.

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