Wednesday, October 9, 2013

a manner of happiness

what i want. what i really want. is what consumed my thoughts the past 7 or so days.
hearing the prophets speak this weekend reminded me to be strong in moving forward, looking forward.
to learn and keep moving.
to pick my head up. to look at all my blessings. to be confident in the greatness around me, within me, and in front of me.

i want a family.
and i want every other person to stop telling me that im young. that i shouldn't focus on it. that i have so much "living it up" to do at this time
i just do. i want a family.
i want my own home. not paying rent to a stranger. not living with other chics. not temporary.
i want a permanent home. 
a home i can create.
i want bricks. maybe a wall of them. 
i want warmth in that home. not just a heater maybe, but the Holy Ghost. church music playing quietly sunday morning.  photos of my favorite temples. of the Savior. of prayers in those rooms. 
a grey wall. my images on the wall. the smell of my grammies dumplin soup. a moist chocolate cake.
an oversized bed. a cold pillow thats as flat as can be. socks on the ground. flannel sheets in the winters and the smell of fresh laundry.
dance parties in the living room.
fresh flowers in the corner. holiday garland.
kind words. babies crying.

why does something tug at me inside? why do my dreams include a warm sweet baby in my arms and that sweet n sour smell, the thin blue blanket tucked around him? what makes that happen inside me? why does it make me yearn and my heartache? 

i want to use my brain
i want to help people
oh i really do.  i think i could be more useful than i am today.
i want to serve people more. something i didn't understand until this past year.
i want to give of myself more, my time, my energies, my money if i could come upon some.
i want to be charitable.

i want to use my passion
i dont want it to become dormant
i want to explore and create and dream and notice all the pretty around me
i want to be light. be inspired. 
i want to share my passion with others
my passion for the gospel, for pushing/running/seeing/riding/climbing/eating/reading/hearing/becoming better, my passion for life : i dont want to waste it

i want to love someone
well i want and do love so very many
how lucky is that
but i do dream of loving a man that loves me too
who wouldve thought this would be such a difficult thing to find?
i want a man that loves God.
i want a man that is humble enough to lean on me when he feels bummed 
a man that thinks i hung the moon
a man that feels for me what President Monson expresses in the beginning of this message..

and i want a marriage that is built on honesty.
i want the open communication to talk about things we don't see eye to eye on, to work out issues, to handle money, to handle the problems that will surely come
i want a man that looks me in the eye. everyday.
that accepts my flaws and faults and imperfections for what they are
and is patient with me as i strive to improve them
a husband that lets me dream and doesn't think im all the way crazy for it
i want to be sealed in the temple. to be hand in hand in life. and to not let go when its less than dreamy.

i want to learn more
i want to ride my bike up mountains that i looked up to, and never thought i could
i want to push my babies out
i want to run on the beach at least once a year please
i want to remember that im powerful and special more often
i want to save all the children in the world somehow.
i thought the other day, im so mad at satan. i dont want him to hurt people any more...
i want pretty music in my ears
i want to be able to breathe out of both nostrils simultaneously right now...
i want a job that doesnt feel like im a slave 
i want to see my grandma and visit with her, eating grilled cheeses
i want to kiss my nephew 
i want to live in utah forever maybe
i want to do the splits like its nothin
i want time to slow down and speed up depending on the minute
i want long hair and his hands in my hair
i want to be a wife and a mother
but for now im just a lady.
just doing the best i can to be happy today.


love, lowry said...

How amazing are you?! I love that all of your dreams, hopes, wants, desires, and passions are all focused on our Savior! What a beautiful thing to hear. You want pictures of your favorite temples, prayers in those rooms, to be sealed in the temple....You, my love, love The Lord. How happy He must be to know those righteous desires of your heart. I know He has more in store for you than you could ever hope or imagine for. Thank you for your strength and for this lovely post! You are a blessing to me , my darling friend. Love your guts!

mom said...

I love your guts too!!!!!!!!!