because i cant sleep until i write

p.s. when i run- i write the coolest poetry in my head. my mind is mean like that. waits til i have absolutely no pen or paper around. then it just starts spewing off the most beautiful things at a rapid pace. its really fun, but also frustrating. the end.




i went without being stressed for a long time. maybe over a month of no REAL crazy stress like i normally find myself submerged in.

but today, im burdened with some stress. so i lit a candle.
and i still feel weight on my shoulders.

i think it was the minor car accident i got into last night with my newly purchased vehicle.
gulp.
and the fact that sj flippin state isnt accepting transfers til spring '10. jerks.
and my love life is the butt of so many jokes that im not even cracking.
and i think it was how i didnt get to go to church today because my family got together for my lovely lovely grammies birthday.
mostly im cranky. it doesnt matter why.


BUT i had a rockin time with my sisters on a shoot this morning [photos to follow in a later post] AND the book that i am reading blows my mind. but still i feel something hallowed out. maybe its my blank canvas sitting across the room, staring me down. [and "hallowed out" just made me imagine an old guy with a long beard carving a wooden doll 'me', coraline syle... nevermind. im crazy]

my buddy, andy, created a masterpiece of all masterpieces. i don't think he reads this, and i am hoping its ok that i share this beautiful piece of art...but this is what inspires me to be a better person, a more creative mind, a less by the book kinda gal, and increasingly more articulate artist. andy rocks.
he says im in line for one of my very own personal andypants warhols. and i can't wait.






this blog is mainly a rant. so feel free to check out the super rad image and bounce.

VENTING:
truths that i have learned [and of course these are things that i have summed up while running endless miles]:

+ i talk and laugh louder everyday and its starting to annoy me
+ i am hanging on to hope for deer life. my grip is wearing thin. i mean loosing strength.
+ really, no one cares if you're unhappy
+ you can always run harder and faster and longer than you think you can
+ i have to have music every 3-4 hours
+ candles are necessary
+ having a pet fish is just annoying
+ it is not possible for me to lower my standards
+ i have so much to be thankful for
+ soccer is the utmost fun
+ i have to create or i will just die. haha
+ my parents arn't superheroes
+ boys are dumb and always will be
+ the passions of my heart will always win
+ you can't mold human flesh. thats why clay cartoons are better. gumby n junk.
+ dancing is the ultimate release
+ helping someone else is the most efficient way to be happy
+ art is taking over my life



Here's another random thought. [im a mess tonight]
A couple weeks ago I read an article in the ensign titled, the blessing of the blackberry bush.
to sum it up, a womans child gets stuck and hurt in a blackberry bush. he is pricked and pained by the thorns. but the mother sees that beyond the blackberry bush, there is a swimming pool where--if her young child would have made it past the bush--he would have drown. this is a parable that i have never thought of before.

its an incredibly important perspective to have. im sure each of us can think of very personal and specific times in our lives where we feel pain [or insert whatever negative feeling here..], whether a big event or a small instance. im sure that many times, we think why is this awful thing happening to me?! i read this article on a day that i needed it most. i was feeling upset. hurt, about a situation. and i quickly realized that God has let me hurt just this little bit {which i percieve has being great since i know nothing else}, to protect me from a greater destruction. just like how the young boy had to be hurt in the thorny blackberry bush, to be saved from drowning in the pool. i too have to endure these trials and obstacles that save me from a greater pain. i even got in that accident last night with my car, and i was super pissed, but i came home and laid on the floor and thought: it could have been so much worse. what if i was being protected from some drunk driver going through the next light, etc.

needless to say, i will be more patient. less selfish.
my trials and hard times may seem huge at the time, but they are truly so small in the grand scheme of things. i am being led and protected by a merciful God.
these things are true, and wonderful. it is great to feel the depth of my heavenly fathers love for me, especially in uncertain times.


my goal for tomorrow is to help as many people i can, in as many way as i can.
the quest for camelot.

i feel like i am talking into an empty room.
but with a computer and keys, and gray walls.
nevermind. i have to sleep.