Monday, March 23, 2009

see you through

im a happy dancer tonight.

i caught my reflection in the kitchen window dancing to my new favorite band as i raided the freezer. i just made myself a ginormous (which i just asked myself if thats a real word, and i realized that its giant and enormous put together. i never realized that. idiot. dang.) so here i am overdosing on chocolate. ginormous bowl of chocolate ice cream, dark [which i hate, but lacked options] chocolate syrup, 3 double stuft oreos, and the added measure of a thick cool whip dallop.

what a sunday evening delight.

i have a thought.
in the new book i am reading this woman is discovering herself. shes in italy and some slick handsome hairy italian fella says that every place and being radiates a word. he says Rome's word is SEX. rightfully so. i am dying to go to italy. lust. the american woman says that New York's word is ACHIEVE. Los Angeles=SUCCESS. Naples=FIGHT. The woman tries to consider what her word is. She says it use to be DEPRESSION. She knows her word definitely isn't MARRIAGE. She says its a toss up between SEEK and DEVOTION. So i set down my book for this ice cream extravaganza in mah mouth to consider this.

What is your word?
She explains that it is something that you feel with your whole being.
Your happiest home, the root of your soul.

I think my word for this time-- for this free, colourful, inventive chapter of life--is the pencil tip tracing of a star. some cross between PASSION, HOPE, SERVE, STRENGTH, and CUPCAKES.
i think nothing feels more perfect than the word CREATE. may be the theme of my being.
im engulfed in creating.
i sat downt the other day, alone, and so very happily painted. and when it needed to dry for the next piece, i made my buddy matthew a bracelet. then i made myself a blueish one to remind myself to invent. and then i wrote in my journal. all the while, listening to music that makes me wiggle my shoulders.

and although i have been creatively inspired in ways that keep my mind constantly reeling with bliss-- i mean CREATE in every possible formulation of the word. i mean creating new memories. i mean creating new words. i mean creating laughter where there would be silence. i mean creating good habits. i mean creating stronger arm muscles. i mean creating ways to make other people happy. i mean creating new ways to sign my name. i mean creating better bowling scores. i mean creating time to do the things that make me smile from the center of my very heart. and i mean create, like like i want to paint a mural on the hills next to my house-to have it washed with the rain, so i can create myself again the next day.
and then lay in it.

Along the lines of this CREATE craze, i have some thoughts about "creating one's self". which, the phrase, is on my cell phone as a daily reminder to do so. I recently wrote in my journal about how [and this is something that i wrote a lot about when i was in high school] people conform for others. for what their bf/gf want them to be, for what their parents push them to be, for especially what media and society overwhelm them to become. and so many people fall for this. its very cunning craftiness. as i have been spending time with different friends lately, i see how easy it is to kind of mold into whatever fits with that person. which in turn makes me forget about nourishing an aspect of my life that i truly love, and brings me happiness, and is a large part of who i am. i see a lot of people that forget to invent themselves for who they decide to be, not what their environment wants them to be, or what they THINK their other/friends/parents/president/employers wish they were. you have a gift- to create yourself-to be exactly what you want, and love. i think most of this happens when you start dating someone. and i think this is mostly why i am the happiest single lady alive.

i realize who i am. what i want to be. and i am moving with an enthusiastic pace toward those goals, loving every detoured stepping stone on the way. i am rich with independence and nothing has ever been so healthy to report. now my ice cream bowl is empty. leaving my stomach full. i have to return a dear friend's phone call. here i will leave my other, other delicious treat of the day:

"Then shall thy light break forth as the morning, and thine health shall spring forth speedily: and thy righteousness shall go before thee; the glory of the Lord shall be thy rereward. Then shalt thou call, and the Lord shall answer; thou shalt cry, and he shall say, Here I am...And the Lord shall guide thee continually, and satisfy thy soul in drought, and make fat thy bones: and thou shalt be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters fail not." -Isaiah 58:8-11

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