with red lips

dear world.

is it terrible that all i want to be for halloween is a bride with pearls & net veil or a 50's housewife with my polka dot apron?

please?

no?

what do you mean i can't even think of these things?!

parental filter goes on my brain and computer.

happy ghosts and ghouls

love

des

train your heart

lemme take you to the classroom.

mom and i ran a marathon once. and among runners, there is this thing called "hitting the wall".

for a long time i didn't quite know what this was. people would ask me if i "hit the wall" with excitement and i simply said, the whole thing sucked equally.

it really was an amazing feat, but it is mentally difficult.

SO HERE IS why.

hitting the wall is when your body runs out of carbohydrates.

your body is drained.

you dread this moment, because this is when you have to mentally override your bodies desire to quit.

the brain then triggers for a new fuel source=fat.

unfortunately, there is a gap from when your body is running out of carbs and goes to grab fat.

this gap, is "hitting the wall"

when that fat starts to be broken down, that is when you feel "a second wind" or energy again.

this is why it is important for long distance/marathon runners to eat some fat prior to their race date.

cool, huh?

ALSO equally cool--

did you know that your memories are consolidated as you sleep (REM sleep)?

You learn as you sleep.

Your body also only heals as you sleep.

instead of writing papers i did this...

lemme go to art school i say!

when everyone is asleep

he says to me, "a REAL photographer would get their camera and go back to the a picture of the factory...=]"

it was 3am

a storm was tearing through utah

my car was being pushed in the wind

yellow leaves coated the roads

tree's looked like they were bout to snap in half

and as i drove by the factory, i watched the smoke twist and turn, and dance in the wind

it was gorgeous

GORGEOUS

and i wished i had my camera

and i wished it wasnt freezing

so i went home. signed up for classes. and i couldn't shake the factory out of my head

and in my competitive nature, i couldn't let the man challenge me like that....

so i went back

with the rain blowing sideways

running the risk of destroying my camera..

but it was worth it

i slept well thereafter

i've been having wild dreams about my family every night.

maybe it's cuz i miss them

zip

i can remember a distinct day when i sat in the back of my dads truck and i realized i could touch the floor with my feet

i felt like a big kid

i dont remember if i said anything, but my thoughts were very excited.

i also can remember the day that i looked down as i sat on the toilet and realized that i could not see any white of the seat

mere flesh oozing everywhere..

like my thighs were eating the bowl

it was a terribly sad day.

and this is what i thought about when i sat on the toilet today.

the truth is gross.

i have SO SO SO many things to do today. school is piling on my shoulders this week, but i have the desire to create things today, and i have so many ideas and things i want to do. but I HAVE TO do my work things first, but my brain won't fully let it go until i get my ideas out.

so the plan is to:

1. write my creative ideas so i don't forget

2. go for a run

3. get photos developed

4. study for chem (go to chem)

5. re-write research paper

6. move photos to ext hard drive

7. work on psych presentation

8. read scriptures

9.sleep

tomorrow i am getting a free massage.

YESSSSSS

be calm.

i am so very

very blessed

thank you.

things in my room.

"prayer is the passport to spiritual power"

ah crud.

i've been dreading this day.

TODAY, a license came in the mail.

it read: UTAH

with my full name printed below & a smiling photo of me.

i cried a little.

i feel like i have betrayed my family name.

out with the old.

so i've finished my journal. there are no more empty pages for me to hastily scribble on.

i have a very neat wood covered journal that has been waiting for my hand.

i'm going to do a lil project like i did last time--

you could view it here..

i compile lines from the journal, in random order.

i think it's funny. other's may find it ridiculous.

began feb 2009-ends oct 2010

it begins: "onto a journal wrapped in leather to old all my stories and dreams.."

_____________________

in one dimension or another, i love you

i can't recall your voice

like i'm some kind of sugar mama

i know i was meant to live in this family

AND what happened in my childhood that made me such a sappy helpless romantic?

matthew says live outside your head

i bought her a book of mormon today

there is room to smile and grow

good night moon

to my right is my lovely camera, to my left is my scriptures, and in front of me is a caramel/chocolate covered apple..

and how perfect, a butterfly just flew by

maybe i should read my meditation "how to" book

so i run to you

this will only be but a little while

refined

light: spread it, radiate.

i can not believe my life, my make up is everywhere

my home will be a refuge

miss and i got hot fudge

my stomach hurts and im tired of faking a smile

challenges reawaken you when you fall asleep spiritually

soften your heart

the grandpa, out on the ledge, is using his cane to point to provo

today is crying with me

he says to me, "i don't think i'll ever find the kind of girl i want to marry."

i'm sitting right here.

i look like a 40 yr old smoker with scraggly hair today

it's easy to get out of tune

i can't sleep, i'm in love with my life

comforter>brings all things to your remembrance

he dumped me, story of my life

be ready today

starts at home

Love is the desire of every human soul

i refuse to live my life without it any more

TRUELY be worthy

he says, "they're all just friends"

tonight Jeri said, "christmas is all about the cruelty of his death..." uhhhhh

where is your heart?

my knowledge brings me joy

bear well

you can't eat gold

my tears paint my shirt

generate positivity

i want to live every ounce of this feeling

i'm safe with him

it is hard, but it is so worth it

have the courage to change the things you can

fill your life with goodness!

remember, remember

i was chosen

curse my hormones and my dreamy mind.

what do you love that God has created?

i love my bed that is too big for just me

so sparkly dainty and so divinely deep at the same time

like im at home, like i could do this forever

satan tempts us to betray who we really are

please let me be loved for once

what is the purpose of life?

the prayers from my babies mouths

my fairytale, i'm watching it come to life

him rolling on the grass

it overflows me

and heaven help me if he's not the one, cuz this would hurt

and i want mine pretty. please.

i'll dream, and clean up my fluttery thoughts

"if we never have the bitter, then we may never know the sweet"

__________________

sometimes, i recognize this thought may sound crazy—

but sometimes i look at books and i become overwhelmed with how precious they are

there are books that have made me happy or changed my life or brought me comfort or inspired me. these are powerful things! just from words on paper. the book the alchemist-powerful, inspiring. i really really love this book. it is so special to me. one time, i may have shared this story, my sister's dog started eating my original set of scriptures. the small blue book that the missionaries gave me. this book should be framed its so precious to me. I screamed at the dog and scrambled to pick up the shredded pieces. i sat on the ground and cried.

this book changed my life.

and although i got myself another set of scriptures, THOSE pages mean so much to me. for the message they share. for the way the words touch my heart. for the way my life has changed.

and my journal is like this. one of the very precious books that holds more than just words on paper.

people ask, "if your home caught fire, what would you grab??"

to me that reads, what can't you replace with money.

and although one of my first thoughts would be my camera-man i love it

i could replace it—easy

i would grab my scriptures, and my journal that rest next to each other by my bed

there is nothing that could replace my thoughts, feelings, and inspirations written in those pages

amber & brent

my apologies

view more of brenna & kris's engagements

yes it is 3am in utah

and yes i have spent the last two hours antique/vintage/photog/wedding perusing online.

it has become my obsession

it's TERRIBLE

and so very wonderful at the same time.

I am going to guess that i have about 98 links bookmarked under "popular"

for me to check each day.

it's taking over my life

even the other day i was thinking, i wonder how nienie's kids are doing today...

gah! someone save me!!

ANYWAY—i had another wonderful weekend

with french toast

shopping with the ladies in park city for long sleeved things

and little girls that pretend to be smelly flowers

i had a bit of inspired thought and i ran in the door and jotted it all down. those are the best moments. i have so many ideas for projects right now, and i'm so afraid i will forget them all. and i just wish i had all day to read books, and be inspired by vintage blogs, and make neat things all day. i MUST find a way to do just that everyday. and get paid. Tiana, i'm telling you—we must own a business together...what'll it be? veils? wedding planning? designers of some sort? make stationary? jewelry? our own tee shirt line? i thought we already decided on this...

OH and i want a nook. like a reading nook in my house one day. i little corner of the house that is comfy and warm and has pillows—where i can read. or write. maybe in a library. or a "good" room..

i decided this weekend, my dream is this:

i don't want to work normal hours. i want us to have our weekends off to go to yard sales every saturday morning and have orange juice together on the porch. i want jobs where we use our mind, and are known for our talents, and can express uniqueness. and someone will buy it. and love it. like i do. and i want to own an antique shop. and make things all day. and look at dainty china and old window frames. i don't know how POSSIBLY i could love something so much. old retro jewelry-globes on the ceiling-rusty cans-faded blue glass-iron bed frames-ivory lace. does it make you squirm inside? boy, do i love it. And i dream that i will find a niche in my creations and i will bake and i will sew something really cool and i will learn to attempt all the arts i think i'm terrible at and i will never stop learning.

it is becoming too late. i meant to wake up early tomorrow. i have more things to study and do.

this was a mess of a post.

yes.

"thinking is driven by questions, not answers"

trees growing out of rock

so in that dream, 20 minutes before it was to begin—i can't find my veil. someone got me the wrong one. gosh i didn't want the long, plain ugly one. please...i searched and searched. and i found this white headband that was weird and cloud/rounded shaped. and it was too thick. and my hair was wildly curly. and i was so upset. and i thought, of all things...how could this happen. my veil. the cherry on top. who forgot to buy the thing? where could it be? i'm walking around the place, not really knowing many people. and my photographer sucks. i'm calling every photographer i know to come out there that instant. i figure my day is so ugly and will be captured ugly. i'm in tears. and just when i thought the day was ruined, he pulled me aside. and calmed my troubled heart. and he made me laugh. and time stood still. and nothing else mattered.

i have recently studied/learned about the bitter and the sweet

the opposition in all things

the satan so we know christ

the pain so we may have joy

right now, i have all the sweetest things

and it brings me to my knees

"Man's earthly existence is but a test as to whether he will concentrate his efforts, his mind, his soul, upon things which contribute to the comfort and gratification of his physical nature, or whether he will make as life's pursuit the acquisition of spiritual qualities."

—David O. McKay

i have this thing

i get this weird anxiety about falling in love (like for REAL being in love)

i kind of fear marrying someone, (and not even the marrying part) but loving someone THAT deeply, profoundly to where you give them your all, 100% vulnerable, and you become one-kind of deal.

BECAUSE i'm so very afraid of something terrible happening to that person

and they will be gone

and my heart will be gone

and i will hurt like never before

i fear that this will happen

they'll die in some freak accident while im pregnant with our 6th child and we'll have the dreamiest family/marriage/love

and life will turn upside down, inside out like never before

and i will hurt in unthinkable ways

insecurity? commitment issue? silly fear? completely normal thought?

i think about this from time to time.

oh, me and my head.

men are that they might have joy

i had one of those moments where im writing poetry in my head

but i didn't have a pen

or i was walking

or i didn't want to roll over

it was the prettiest thing. but i can't remember it any more.

i've had so many thoughts lately. so many happy things lately.

but i've had trouble narrowing them into connected letters that make sense

it is cold. it's here, october 9th 2010: i put my winter bedding on.

and i realized my very favorite bed sheets have a series of small holes poking about

for now i will continue to roll in them, but every time i see a tiny hole, my heart sinks a little.

someone check and make sure im not sleeping in tiny shreds of my once soft/luxurious sheets in 6 months. all ratted up. shoot. like the blankie i won't let go of.

p.s. i sucked my thumb til i was in kindergarten. fun fact of the day.

i've been SO obsessing over that photographer in the post below. i hang on his every word. drooling. he's male? really? i've never known a man to speak of love like so..

and he is OH so very talented..

sewing projects: i have two sweet ones in mind. i wanna do them right now! when i can i start?! when will i ever have time?? hhmmmfff.

i want to take josh to the ocean. i just looked at my pearl.

and eat bread bowls off the wharf.

and eat chocolates and wear a scarf and nestle up to the boy.

ok, enough i know

I KNOW

i sat at the temple today. doing baptisms.

and i had another one of those moments where i'm overwhelmed

(p.s. i've been crying over everything lately. here's a list of things i have cried about in the last 2 weeks:

-cause i missed my dad

-cause i felt how much God loves EVERYONE

-cause my heart ached for my cousin

-cause i had a dream my lil brother was getting baptized then my uncle made him take a shot of whiskey (this one is funny, i know. but i really did wake up crying sad)

-cause of happiness for my misty

-cause of how grateful i am for josh & his family in my life

-cause of how immensely blessed i feel despite my faulty ways

-cause of how much i love to hold my camera

-cause i missed my brother

-cause i thought about something bad that i can't undo

-cause i had a dream that misty and i were both pregnant and jumping around crying

NOT even kidding. i literally cried bout all of these things.

i don't have a valid excuse for the tears

so i will blame my hormones. curse you hormones! )

BACK to the temple today, i sat there and let my mind go. I said a prayer to clear out some super sad thoughts i was thinking right before i walked in the door. and my mind was cleared. and it entered happiness. and i thought about my baptism and sweet Angela holding my towel out for me when i got out. and hugging me and crying with me. and i thought about the power i felt that day and how undefinable the love was that i felt. the joy. having danny be able to baptize me and teach me.

and how i HAD NO IDEA how wonderfully life would change after that point.

no idea what i was doing.

no idea of the sweet love i would feel

no idea, truly, of the beautiful gift i was given

and NOTHING on earth, not even photography (dare i say) makes me happier than sharing that exact love and power and beauty with someone else.

sitting in the temple, dressed in all white, calm-harmony-peace

i remembered those people

i let my mind flip through memories

i saw my mother being baptized, then her sitting next to me in the temple

could there be a greater happiness? i didn't think it was possible to feel so much love.

for some reason i saw my grandma in all white walking next to me

i saw my baby sister coming up out of the water, my eyes cloud with tears

and misty saying a prayer out loud to us for the first time

her in my temple dress

the man in the temple read off the name "mildred so and so" and a smile spread across my face

and this is what life is about

the prettiest moments

sparkly chandeliers and inspired thought

i could have stayed in that place forever and let my dreams

float from one memory to another

but i got up and left

and felt even more blessed

lovely things

a very talented photographer, clayton austin has this written in his "about me" section on his website. it is SO beautiful that i must share. i'm sitting here with tears in my eyes...

"Lets face it.

Love is an animal. Though my grandfather told me once that love is more like a bird, if you hold it tightly it dies, if you hold it slightly, it flies. People often ask me how I capture such intimacy in the couples I have the honor of photographing. The key is looking from a different perspective. I don’t see them as who they are that day, happy and carefree. I see them as they will be tomorrow. I see them in the road ahead, in both the good times and the bad and all that they will endure. Together. Some days there will be love made on the kitchen floor, and others there will be sleepless nights on the couch. I have known both.

I received a letter once from an old friend. She mentioned that she recently had her heart broke and could only wish to one day find someone that sees her the way that my couples see each other. How would she know when she has found the “one”? Trust me when I say that tender gaze, that almost kiss, does not come without work. There will be joy, there will be pain. I have known both. If you are reading this I want you to know that you are amazing. He is not. And this is my advice to you. Find a boy who calls you beautiful instead of hot. Who calls you back when you hang up on him. Who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the boy who kisses your forehead. Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats. Who holds your hand in front of his friends. Who thinks you’re just as pretty without makeup on. You will know he is the one because he will apologize first even if he feels he was in the right, because being right won’t matter if you go to bed angry. When you tell a joke he will laugh out loud. He will constantly be reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have found you. He will turn to his friends and say, ‘that’s her.’

This is the bird that my grandfather spoke of. When you find this bird hold onto it but remember to give it room to grow. Room to breathe. Do this together. And when you find him, call me. I want to photograph it.

My name is Clayton Austin. I am just a man and I tend to see things better with my eyes closed."

i am just a woman and i am a sucker for being kissed on the forehead.

brighter than the sun

i just melt

and cry

and swoon

and click my heels together

and smile

and squeal

and want to kiss my boy

and do kart-wheels

and become overjoyed when i look at these images

i literally cried yesterday after this shoot because i felt so blessed to be filled with such passion

i creating images makes me so fulfilled

and the happiest woman on earth