Wednesday, October 13, 2010

men are that they might have joy

i had one of those moments where im writing poetry in my head
but i didn't have a pen
or i was walking
or i didn't want to roll over

it was the prettiest thing. but i can't remember it any more.
i've had so many thoughts lately. so many happy things lately.
but i've had trouble narrowing them into connected letters that make sense

it is cold. it's here, october 9th 2010: i put my winter bedding on.
and i realized my very favorite bed sheets have a series of small holes poking about
for now i will continue to roll in them, but every time i see a tiny hole, my heart sinks a little.

someone check and make sure im not sleeping in tiny shreds of my once soft/luxurious sheets in 6 months. all ratted up. shoot. like the blankie i won't let go of.
p.s. i sucked my thumb til i was in kindergarten. fun fact of the day.

i've been SO obsessing over that photographer in the post below. i hang on his every word. drooling. he's male? really? i've never known a man to speak of love like so..
and he is OH so very talented..

sewing projects: i have two sweet ones in mind. i wanna do them right now! when i can i start?! when will i ever have time?? hhmmmfff.

i want to take josh to the ocean. i just looked at my pearl.
and eat bread bowls off the wharf.
and eat chocolates and wear a scarf and nestle up to the boy.
ok, enough i know

i sat at the temple today. doing baptisms.
and i had another one of those moments where i'm overwhelmed
(p.s. i've been crying over everything lately. here's a list of things i have cried about in the last 2 weeks:
-cause i missed my dad
-cause i felt how much God loves EVERYONE
-cause my heart ached for my cousin
-cause i had a dream my lil brother was getting baptized then my uncle made him take a shot of whiskey (this one is funny, i know. but i really did wake up crying sad)
-cause of happiness for my misty
-cause of how grateful i am for josh & his family in my life
-cause of how immensely blessed i feel despite my faulty ways
-cause of how much i love to hold my camera
-cause i missed my brother
-cause i thought about something bad that i can't undo
-cause i had a dream that misty and i were both pregnant and jumping around crying

NOT even kidding. i literally cried bout all of these things.
i don't have a valid excuse for the tears
so i will blame my hormones. curse you hormones! )

BACK to the temple today, i sat there and let my mind go. I said a prayer to clear out some super sad thoughts i was thinking right before i walked in the door. and my mind was cleared. and it entered happiness. and i thought about my baptism and sweet Angela holding my towel out for me when i got out. and hugging me and crying with me. and i thought about the power i felt that day and how undefinable the love was that i felt. the joy. having danny be able to baptize me and teach me.
and how i HAD NO IDEA how wonderfully life would change after that point.
no idea what i was doing.
no idea of the sweet love i would feel
no idea, truly, of the beautiful gift i was given

and NOTHING on earth, not even photography (dare i say) makes me happier than sharing that exact love and power and beauty with someone else.

sitting in the temple, dressed in all white, calm-harmony-peace
i remembered those people
i let my mind flip through memories
i saw my mother being baptized, then her sitting next to me in the temple
could there be a greater happiness? i didn't think it was possible to feel so much love.
for some reason i saw my grandma in all white walking next to me
i saw my baby sister coming up out of the water, my eyes cloud with tears
and misty saying a prayer out loud to us for the first time
her in my temple dress
the man in the temple read off the name "mildred so and so" and a smile spread across my face

and this is what life is about
the prettiest moments
sparkly chandeliers and inspired thought
i could have stayed in that place forever and let my dreams
float from one memory to another

but i got up and left
and felt even more blessed

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