Tuesday, September 20, 2011

a new type of control.

my ex-boyfriends would eat up this post.

i'd like to spew out some thoughts i've been carrying around about ego.
there are just some things that i have come to accept recently. i feel like this is a big step for me. and I don't state this in a way to make it sound like i am wonderful for being humble or meek, but it really has been imperative to my personal growth for me to understand the motivations behind what i do, say, and think.
"Ego focuses on one's own survival, pleasure, and enhancement to the exclusion of others and is selfishly ambitious. It sees relationships in terms of threat or no threat.
Ego can't sleep. It micromanages. It disempowers. It excels in control.
Ego is threatened by negative feedback and punishes the messenger." —stephen covey

wow. true right?

isn't it such a better feeling when we can take someone's criticism--be able to calmly and genuinely take it in, try to see their perspective, understand how you can change it, and accept it? without growing defensive and angry? i think this is also defined as maturity.

proper communication. gosh, it's so key to successful relationships!!

SO my ego has been wanting me to go to grad school. i hate to see everyone else in my major go on to more schooling without me. I hate knowing that they will have better paying jobs than i will/more education/have more knowledge. i just get in the perspective that I have to be the best at everything and that i can not settle for anything less.

but the truth is—i'm not settling. not at all. once i have organized my priorities and my passions—grad school just really isn't sensible and does not fit into the picture at this point. and that is me being realistic with myself.

example number two, my biomechanics class is hard. it sucks. just like chem did, just like physiology did. i don't like math- i don't like the deep chemistry that i can not fathom and apply directly—i just don't get it. and my EGO says, "desiree, all these kids are getting it. they are passing with better grades. you are dumb for having such a hard time!! you need to study more, read more, be the best on each test!" and it really wears on me. i sat in class today trying really hard not to be frustrated that the equations just didn't have value to me. i had to have several people reexplain it to me. i felt worthless in my group because I couldn't contribute.
Needless to say, I have just accepted that i am bad at some things. i just plain old don't like that side of my brain (the math and science one). and i don't have to like it. I don't have to be good at it.

dear world, listen up-- cause i will likely not repeat this again,
I accept that I am not superwoman, perfect, unstoppable, and number one at everything i attempt.

I am finally learning to accept this.
this is HUGE for me.
I accept that I need help sometimes. I accept that I will not be the best at every sport, dance, class, and art project. I accept that having a family is a more important source of happiness than that of a career. I accept that I may never be good at bowling. I have a hard time, but I accept that men's bodies are created in such a way that they are naturally faster and stronger than mine. I accept that I may not be able to accomplish ALL of my dreams, but that I can fulfill so many of them. I accept that I am selfish at times, I try to finish people's sentences because I am impatient, and that I use examples of past boyfriends too much. I accept that I gave up on a marriage that was hard. I accept that I struggle to give the best of my flock. I accept that I will simply never be able to STOP loving some people in my past. I accept that I will never be the perfect molly mormon. I accept that I fall in love with people fast and hard and all the time.

It has been a paradigm shift for me to see through humble eyes. to be ok with not fulfilling my ego. to recognize that it is motivated by negative roots. this is all very new for me to try to incorporate into my paradigm, but it has been such a relief to my burdens and stresses to just accept some of these things. and that in and of its self is a miracle. horray! have a happy tuesday. i'm going to study the affects of velocity/acceleration on stride length and rate, eat indian food, and shimmy on the dance floor just a lil.

love yous.


The Storyteller said...

Nice blog, well designed, well written. Keep it up.

desiredshots PHOTOGRAPHY said...

i appreciate that, thank you.

Tiana said...

you're a flippin genius