Thursday, September 15, 2011

i believe in Christ

that hymn always makes me sob the ugly cry.
it means so much to me and touches my heart.

oakland temple

there was a time not many months ago
when i woke up everyday and literally said, "i can't do this"

i had zero motivation.
i couldn't focus on anything
i didn't want to see anyone, talk to anyone
i didn't want to fake being happy
i didn't want to go to school or work
i lost my passion for most things
i didn't enjoy eating (what?! it's true.)
and i felt empty
i felt worthless

i whole heartedly felt that i could not do this. i didn't know how i would get through that time.
i remembered an awful quote from when i was young that said something like, "no one cares if you're unhappy so you might as well be happy"..or something along those lines..
i know people do not like being around depressing people. you want to feel uplifted and happier, not brought down— so i knew i couldnt stay like that forever.

in those moments i fell to my knees
i felt weak
i pleaded with God to be with me, and just help me make it until i could go to bed again
so i did this over and over again. for days, then months.
i would beg for the Holy Ghost, pray to live through the day, and that if i endure long enough—that one day, it would be over

there were days where i would open my heart up to the Lord
I needed Him
i couldn't do it alone any more.
and today, i can not even begin to describe with words the amount of love i was able to feel at that time
i was filled with warmth and hope
and although life did not become happy or easy, it became bearable.

the atonement of Jesus Christ is not just for the times when we sin and make mistakes.
it is also for the hurt, and the pains, and the sorrows, and the sickness
when all i could give was 20% that day, he came through the other 80%
he made me whole.

the atonement of Jesus Christ is the power to change
it is strength from the divine
He gives us the power to endure.
how incredibly merciful is our Heavenly Father to give us a way to be whole! to be filled and restored and brought clean before our maker

we have been given the greatest gift.
a second chance
to repent and turn to Him
and be full of joy

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