the days

You can take everything I have

You can break everything I am

Like I’m made of glass

Like I’m made of paper

Go on and try to tear me down

I will be rising from the ground

Like a skyscraper

stressed eyeballs

sometimes. things are just hard.

that doesn't mean they are bad, they are just hard.

i have never been more thankful for a mother that taught me to be strong and confident, so that when i was blessed with the knowledge of the gospel, i would be able to stand up to all the negativity that comes at me.

i am grateful above all else for the blessings of having my family. i know i was placed in this one for a specific reason, and i am who i am because of them. i am blessed with seriously good friends. mostly steady ones that are genuine and share their love with me.

i know life isn't going to desiree's plan right now. i actually don't really know what is going on beyond this week— but i trust that if i do my best each day, i'll always be heading in a direction that will lead me where God would have me go. and for now, that is enough.

i'm smiling. and i should more. goodnight.

i love you

something i really love about my small town are the love letters written in chalk.

walking home from my pizza shop a couple blocks away i passed by several sweet messages like the one below

every now and then someone will tag the UVU campus with inspirational quotes and motivational words. i think it's the coolest thing ever. it makes me smile so hard.

today i miss writing real love letters. who wants to fall in love??? anyone?? come on! it's fun!

You ARE AMAZING. do something for yourself today!!

i'm eating bbq for me today with my favorite people.

if you're in need of more great music please listen here.

love you.

hello weekend

my closest of girl friends and i lounged in vegas labor day weekend.

i was the last one left on the dance floor.

i ate salmon.

i marveled at the gorgeous design of the cosmopolitan hotel.

and we all got us some vitamin d.

well played girls!

the most productive saturday i have had in a very long time.

i cleaned the house so well that i even cleaned the garbage can…

my grammie irons her bed sheets..see where i get it from?

while deep in thought in the shower the other day,

i decided that i want my baby boys to open the doors for me and my daughters

i want them to be taught to open the doors for their dates

and help them carry things

and that it may come so naturally that they don't even think about it

this is something i love about the LDS culture. etiquette dinners are held to help teach the young men and women proper manners. it's adorable. and really most mormon boys are taught to open the doors for their ladies. IT'S SO NICE!!

i realize that my boys are going to learn this from their father. how to treat a woman. this means my husband needs to speak nicely to me, open the doors, and never shout. he will be their greatest example. and equally, i have the special role of teaching my baby girls on how to be a lady (i may need to work on this…).

i'm not one to demand or wait for a boy to open my door, but it really shows respect and selflessness to consider someone else. it's the sweetest.

so THANK YOU to all the boys that have ever held my door--

my abode.

i really feel like it is important for me to have a very personal space. a retreat. a safe haven.

my space is typically cluttered with visual overload.

and i love that.

i have had a hard time controlling myself in my new space. i don't want it to be as congested as previous rooms. and i believe i have succeeded! i feel so light and happy in my new home.

i feel it it most important to live in place that invites the Spirit. a positive place. This is undoubtedly an influential tool that we can use to share the gospel. this is why i was initially interested in learning about the gospel. i could see and feel the blessings of living it.

i went into my friend's home and i knew i wanted that love and peace and warmth. i knew i wanted the home where people spoke nicely, and the Spirit inspired.

So i have committed to creating such a place for myself.

i love it.

and here are the details:

Sara with A Vintage Poster created these personalized posters that I wanted printed. I choose 3 of my favorite current quotes and she made them into pretty pieces of art! the colors are adorable and i found unique white frames at ikea. she also designed a yellow one that reads "you are my sunshine" for baby wyatt's room. it's adorable. thanks sara!

this is my shower curtain. probably the most complimented item in my house. i'm happy when i shower.
fall colored leaves.
just the world.
my one of a kind hand-crafted birdhouse.

& tiana gave me this vinyl decal for my birthday..or xmas? either way i love them. it makes me beam.

the super adorable creators: will work for cupcakes

i enjoy colored glass.


fact.
i <3 mason jars.
apple crates from my antique store..
my door handles actually came like this…im in love.

have a happy thursday. i'm going to run in the mountains.

a new type of control.

my ex-boyfriends would eat up this post.

i'd like to spew out some thoughts i've been carrying around about ego.

there are just some things that i have come to accept recently. i feel like this is a big step for me. and I don't state this in a way to make it sound like i am wonderful for being humble or meek, but it really has been imperative to my personal growth for me to understand the motivations behind what i do, say, and think.

"Ego focuses on one's own survival, pleasure, and enhancement to the exclusion of others and is selfishly ambitious. It sees relationships in terms of threat or no threat.

Ego can't sleep. It micromanages. It disempowers. It excels in control.

Ego is threatened by negative feedback and punishes the messenger." —stephen covey

wow. true right?

isn't it such a better feeling when we can take someone's criticism--be able to calmly and genuinely take it in, try to see their perspective, understand how you can change it, and accept it? without growing defensive and angry? i think this is also defined as maturity.

proper communication. gosh, it's so key to successful relationships!!

SO my ego has been wanting me to go to grad school. i hate to see everyone else in my major go on to more schooling without me. I hate knowing that they will have better paying jobs than i will/more education/have more knowledge. i just get in the perspective that I have to be the best at everything and that i can not settle for anything less.

but the truth is—i'm not settling. not at all. once i have organized my priorities and my passions—grad school just really isn't sensible and does not fit into the picture at this point. and that is me being realistic with myself.

example number two, my biomechanics class is hard. it sucks. just like chem did, just like physiology did. i don't like math- i don't like the deep chemistry that i can not fathom and apply directly—i just don't get it. and my EGO says, "desiree, all these kids are getting it. they are passing with better grades. you are dumb for having such a hard time!! you need to study more, read more, be the best on each test!" and it really wears on me. i sat in class today trying really hard not to be frustrated that the equations just didn't have value to me. i had to have several people reexplain it to me. i felt worthless in my group because I couldn't contribute.

Needless to say, I have just accepted that i am bad at some things. i just plain old don't like that side of my brain (the math and science one). and i don't have to like it. I don't have to be good at it.

dear world, listen up-- cause i will likely not repeat this again,

I AM BAD AT SOME THINGS.

I accept that I am not superwoman, perfect, unstoppable, and number one at everything i attempt.

I am finally learning to accept this.

this is HUGE for me.

I accept that I need help sometimes. I accept that I will not be the best at every sport, dance, class, and art project. I accept that having a family is a more important source of happiness than that of a career. I accept that I may never be good at bowling. I have a hard time, but I accept that men's bodies are created in such a way that they are naturally faster and stronger than mine. I accept that I may not be able to accomplish ALL of my dreams, but that I can fulfill so many of them. I accept that I am selfish at times, I try to finish people's sentences because I am impatient, and that I use examples of past boyfriends too much. I accept that I gave up on a marriage that was hard. I accept that I struggle to give the best of my flock. I accept that I will simply never be able to STOP loving some people in my past. I accept that I will never be the perfect molly mormon. I accept that I fall in love with people fast and hard and all the time.

It has been a paradigm shift for me to see through humble eyes. to be ok with not fulfilling my ego. to recognize that it is motivated by negative roots. this is all very new for me to try to incorporate into my paradigm, but it has been such a relief to my burdens and stresses to just accept some of these things. and that in and of its self is a miracle. horray! have a happy tuesday. i'm going to study the affects of velocity/acceleration on stride length and rate, eat indian food, and shimmy on the dance floor just a lil.

love yous.

hi

if you like good things...

Fleet Foxes - Grown Ocean from Fleet Foxes on Vimeo.

my favorite folk artists. seeing them live was the best auditory experience of my life.

their harmonizing is like the voice of angels.

they make me in love.

i have many words to write but i am late for work already and have too many things on my list of things to do this day.

let me tell you, the most destructive thing we can place upon ourselves is to be dependent on a thing of this world.

out of our influence.

be it a substance, a human being, the weather, the score of your favorite sports game.

all things change. they always will.

be your own source of strength and happiness.

God can help you with that.

it is the only way.

make a stand for right, even if you stand alone

my little heart

just watched midnight in paris

wonderful film.

dreamy and lovely.

i think i belong there.

this is the earliest friday night i've had in a long time..

i mean, what do people do when they don't feel like dancing on a friday night??

and you don't want to go play the worlds largest dodgeball game because your thumb hurts,

and you don't want to hike the ten hours up mt. timpanogos because you're afraid of lightning striking you,

and you don't want to do work/homework because it's friday night…?

i put my favorite sweats on and climbed into my bed to read

the windows are sifting cold air in

is it cold in california?

I feel like it's already going to snow here..

i'm not ready for it.

i want it to be fall forever.

with occasional afternoon storms.

i always love those.

yesterday was a beautiful day.

i learned at school then knew where i needed to be.

i recently read in a talk that we should spend even more effort, dedication, and time devoted to learning about spiritual matter as we do with our academic matter. and although that is demanding a lot, i like the idea of it. inspires me to work a lil harder at my scripture study and time spent pondering the things that are important.

yesterday i took that time. i found myself at the front of this pretty place with my red suitcase in hand.

i marveled there. i didn't fall asleep. i felt full. i felt an amazing capacity to love—it was beyond me. i felt a desire to live better, think better, and speak better. i hurt at some points, thinking about struggles and the struggles of people i love. I don't know how long i sat there but i bowed my head and prayed.

there was only one other person in the room. the room had sparkling chandeliers. i remember thinking it was the quietest place i could possibly go. i wondered if the room was made sound proof. i leaned my head back in the chair to clear my head, looked to the ceiling, and saw the figure 8 design.

i closed my eyes for some time and shared my heart with the Lord again. I was calm. I opened my eyes and felt overwhelmed with the Spirit. My head still bowed-- all i saw was my white dress, the white floor, and the light shining through the window. it was the purest white. the visual of it was so warm to me. i was so happy. and i knew God was aware of me. I couldn't stop the tears. I feared my makeup would get everywhere. and i thanked Heavenly Father for such special moments.

I took in all the details of the room, practiced slower breathing, and smiled. and then i left.

i stopped at my antique mill and bought this gem. she was on sale. and i am so happy to look at it on my dresser.

then i climbed the face of a rock.

it was my first time.

it was absolutely powerful and thrilling.

and then i danced my little heart out.

Do you ever have moments where you feel like God is telling you he is aware of you?? I had that moment today when i was driving, i saw a building i really love and there were pigeons all lined up across the top of this wall just perfectly. the visual. it made me so happy. i wished i had my camera. and i knew God knew that i needed that scene, that I was sure that he knows of me.

i believe in Christ

that hymn always makes me sob the ugly cry.

it means so much to me and touches my heart.

oakland temple

there was a time not many months ago

when i woke up everyday and literally said, "i can't do this"

i had zero motivation.

i couldn't focus on anything

i didn't want to see anyone, talk to anyone

i didn't want to fake being happy

i didn't want to go to school or work

i lost my passion for most things

i didn't enjoy eating (what?! it's true.)

and i felt empty

i felt worthless

i whole heartedly felt that i could not do this. i didn't know how i would get through that time.

i remembered an awful quote from when i was young that said something like, "no one cares if you're unhappy so you might as well be happy"..or something along those lines..

i know people do not like being around depressing people. you want to feel uplifted and happier, not brought down— so i knew i couldnt stay like that forever.

in those moments i fell to my knees

i felt weak

i pleaded with God to be with me, and just help me make it until i could go to bed again

so i did this over and over again. for days, then months.

i would beg for the Holy Ghost, pray to live through the day, and that if i endure long enough—that one day, it would be over

there were days where i would open my heart up to the Lord

I needed Him

i couldn't do it alone any more.

and today, i can not even begin to describe with words the amount of love i was able to feel at that time

i was filled with warmth and hope

and although life did not become happy or easy, it became bearable.

the atonement of Jesus Christ is not just for the times when we sin and make mistakes.

it is also for the hurt, and the pains, and the sorrows, and the sickness

when all i could give was 20% that day, he came through the other 80%

he made me whole.

the atonement of Jesus Christ is the power to change

it is strength from the divine

He gives us the power to endure.

how incredibly merciful is our Heavenly Father to give us a way to be whole! to be filled and restored and brought clean before our maker

we have been given the greatest gift.

a second chance

to repent and turn to Him

and be full of joy

horses.

if you run around

with blinders on long enough,

you will eventually run into something hurtful

God gave me you

i hadn't realized the wall i had put up earlier in the year.

if you could believe it, i stopped believing (or maybe just feeling?) in love.

it seemed unrealistic.

out of reach.

and pressured.

i became numb to it all, unconsciously.

to protect my hurt heart.

several people have helped me to see that real, true, unconditional love still does exist in this world. the couple above is so ridiculously in love. it was so refreshing to see.

snuggling my baby nephew reminded me.

hearing of a dear friend making wedding plans with the love of her life reminded me.

feeling butterflies again reminded me.

it's still out there. it's still in here.

i'm going to go slow dance now.

goodnight.

Happy Birthday Chad

happy 31st to my big brother

our eyes can only see a very tiny slice of the big picture

for the rest, we make up with faith

i love you

and i could wish a billion things for you

the best things in life are free

i love smile kisses.

" Part of Christ's mission is to heal broken hearts. He came to wipe away our tears, not to ensure that we would never weep. "

some people have questioned why LDS (latter-day saint, or more common, Mormon) folks don't celebrate the cross.. I recently read a great reply to that question.. you can read it here

home.

if you like anything that you enjoy...

i love it. for so many reasons.

happy week.

and thank you alex.

im in vegas.

The key question is always, What is the best thing i can do under these circumstances?

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wild flowers.


"memory is past. it is finite. vision is future. it is infinite. vision is greater than history. greater than baggage. greater than the emotional scars of the past." --covey

what is your vision?? this is the first step of reinventing ones self, or creating anything at all.

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all the other kids

one time.

two of my best friends decided they wanted to be best friends.

then they made this sweet babe.

meet miss claire harper.

i've begun to really reap some of the rewards of applying the things i learn.

my goal recently (to get out of some negative feelings the past 6 months) was to be satisfied.

i yearned to be happy with where i am at, the stage of life i am in, and my roles right now.

i wanted to be content. instead of looking at others' lives. instead of looking beyond my own headlights.

how did i do this? i don't really know.

a change of paradigm (perspective) i suppose. a deep desire. prayer. good friends/mom to talk me through. a change of attitude.

and it has been soo good.

things are so much lighter

happier

and more enjoyable.

i'm so immensely blessed to have all the genuine people in my life. for my body. for my passion. for my career. for my home. for my family. for the gospel.

p.s. i dig this song..