happy birthday grammie

i sent my gram this polaroid in her card.

i love that lady. she is funny and loving and sweet and out spoken.

i love the smell of her house and her 70's uncomfortable DEVAN (couch)

i love that she says tues-Dee

and i love her jewelry

i love that every single thing in her house and life is always clean, thought of, and organized

i love her bright blue eyes

and i love that she cleaned my mustard poop diapers.

today i got an alcohol injection into my foot.

it hurt.

but brittany was by my side.

what an amazing friend.

happy monday

im going on a road trip

get this

so i'm taking an aviation course. because i have to. because it counts for my "global citizen" credits. (don't ask me what that means)

it's online.

my midterm paper was about ethics. in the end i was given the opportunity to share my personal ethical code. and i ended up running with it. i compiled pages of notes (that i have stashed in various places of my room) into one grand (possibly incomplete?) mission statement. here is what my last two pages of my paper reads::

My Ethical Code

I am twenty-four years old and have no intention of changing the world.

I do intend to create many things.

Although my heart and mind are filled with many dreams, I do not know what exactly lies ahead of me. I am a photographer and a student of exercise science. I want to help people with my talents and knowledge.

Below is my mission statement, or code of ethics. It is incredibly personal and imperfect, as I am. It has been developed over the past year, and fueled by twenty-four years of experience. Each goal has been carefully pondered and holds meaning to my heart. The following standards are predicated upon my integrity and commitment to live what I believe to be true. I know that I do, and will, fall short. Still, I am determined to live each day to overcome the natural man, create synergy, and inspire belief.

Personal: overcome the natural man

-BE positive

-embrace change

-keep dreaming (live the life you have imagined)

-seek health

-organize time around priorities (the things that matter most)

-leave the past in the past (learn then look forward)

-take the time to truly SHOW love (love is a verb-an action word)

-use soft tones in speech

-love yourself (take time for yourself, live your passions)

-follow the example of the Savior

-be proactive (do it!)

-hear both sides before judging

-seek first the kingdom of God

-find balance in physical, emotional, spiritual, & mental

-accept that you are human, not superwoman

-laugh

-be an example of faith and hope

-self-mastery (overcome weakness, be empowered to be a little better)

-feed creativity

-find self worth from God & within (not from men/scale/popularity/possessions)

-let go of anything you can not control

Business: create synergy

-have courage to be different

-have clear expectations

-deeply show care for co-workers, employees, clients

-seek other’s opinions, advice, teachings

-make mistakes

-be trustworthy (wise decision making - never do anything to take away from the trust bucket)

-LISTEN to others (real & active listening)

-value differences (respect)

-always strive to learn more

-make decisions for the right reason (not for a profit)

-seek first to understand, then to be understood

-compromise (not your way or my way)

-take responsibility for faults

-teach others

-don’t let fear confine or restrict you

-be approachable, teachable, and humble

-STRETCH

Global: inspire belief

-look people in the eye when you speak to them

-inspire others to believe (in themselves, in our God, in their dreams)

-do not speak down to others, do not degrade or intentionally cut down

-appreciate others

-always be open to try new things

-develop effective communication skills

-be forgiving

-protect, care for, defend the innocent

-help someone find happiness

-be selfless in charity and love to others

OH no

follow your compass

remember rachel?

she's my favoritest roommate.

she is one of the most amazing of all women i know. i love her.

she auditioned for Annie and i took her picture.

i have seriously had so much fun lately.

like genuine, child-like fun.

it's the best.

lately i have:

-snowboarded at least once a week (heaven on earth)

-gone bowling (even if i break my nails, i love to bowl)

-played pool (i got better!)

-ice skated (i never knew how awesome it could be!)

-photoshoot in the snow (yeee! bliss)

-took a ski lesson and skied backwards! (this is also way more fun than i thought it would be..)

-played soccer (can't wait for the season to start next week!)

-snow shoed

-sled

-danced in the car

-cuddled up in bed with my best friend & popcorn to watch grey's anatomy (best show on the planet!!!! i've only seen 3 episodes and i'm so in love. MOM you would love this show. and Dr Mc Lemme-run-my-hands-through-your-hair DREAMY makes my heart stop)

-hot tubbin

who said living in the snowy climate was boring??

naked cowboy attacks

this is how paranoid i am.

there has been news of some man (wearing only a hat...like the naked cowboy, i imagine...) in provo attacking/attempting rape. i heard he followed a girl into her apartment. i don't know the whole story, but my mind is making up all the possible scenarios. as i was coming in around midnight last night. i grabbed my knife before i even turned the car off. i kept the lights on because i think no one would attack me with the lights on for people to notice me. so i quickly unbuckle, prep my knife, collect my belongings, turn off the car, open the door, THEN turn off my lights and casually walk toward the door. i scan the parking lot thinking, he would hide between the cars..then when i get to the staircase—i look over my shoulder and bolt up the stairs as fast as i can thinking someone is definitely going to grab my heels. when i get to the door-- it is a mad scramble to unlock my door. i get the dead bolt done, then i go for the handle part. my knife is falling out of my hand, my heart is racing. i finally get the door open and switch on the light. but i can't get my key out of the door.

im standing there with the door open practically inviting him in! im freaking out trying to jiggle my key loose, finally im pulling with all my might. it comes free. i slam the door shut and lock it as fast as possible.

it was a close call.

this morning as i was coming home from school, my key wouldnt fit in the lock. i had bent the key into an S shape last night. awesome.

and thats how paranoid i am.

i'm so happy i have my knife. next: ninja stars.

live the life you have imagined

i may or may not have a fever today.

good thing mom sent me a treasure chest of medicine for valentines day. she knows i always seem to get sick at some point every february.

yesterday was a splendid day of forgetting my responsibilities. LUCY wrote on it here. instead of us having a cry fest (which we've both had plenty of lately..) we decided to do what we love instead. i'll post photos soon from the day.

that will be my reward when i finish studying tonight.

i've been reading a book by Henry B. Eyring. I recieved it for my birthday. Here's a line i enjoyed thinking on:

"Even a moment's reflection will help you see that the problem of using your time well is not a problem of the mind but of the heart."

i've had this problem lately. and again, i think maybe this shouldn't go onto the www but maybe my insecurities can be released as i "confess" them. so here it is:

i try to live a Christ-like life. I know of his attributes. and i suck at living it all, but i truly am always trying, always changing, reflecting.

one of such Christ-like attributes is to not covet.

with having a family being one of my top goals and desires—and with my recent breakup (gulp)—i have had such a hard time not coveting other's lives. does this sound weird? i think reading other people's blogs is so entertaining because you kind of desire their life, and they let you in a little. it can be inspiring, but to a degree this could be an unhealthy thing.

on the right hand side of this blog you can read about the image is found. they are a husband/wife photography team with rad lil rug rats and an artsy lil home. although i'm not obsessed with them, they're living my dream. marrying a creative spouse with stylish clothes, a great sense of humor, and adores you?! they're the coolest to say the least. and their photography is amazing. i so very much wish to have a similar family.

and when everyone and their mom is pregnant right now— i can't help but covet. i really am so happy that my sister is pregnant. when she told me about hearing the heartbeat for the first time, i got off the phone in tears. gosh what bliss. what happiness to see the baby's lil nubby arms and legs. and i wished it was me. i'm the one that wants it.

i'm not angry at the world that i don't have what they have.

i'm just a lil sad.

i didn't see it turning out this way.

but i know i have my own journey to walk. and it is gorgeous.

and i don't want to seem ungrateful, cause truly i am. deeply grateful.

so it's been a struggle of mine lately to be happy being single. to be happy that i don't have a family or my own home. somedays its just hard to be happy with what you got. i wrote a couple years ago on here, "the moment you realize you aren't missing out on anything—then you can have true happiness"

it is very true. do you find this in your life? sometimes it seems like i am constantly working to get to where everyone else is. or have what is the coolest. or do everything.

I AM JUST NOT superwoman.

and i want to be happy with that.

i believe it takes this change in perspective, in the quote above, to be able to be content and satisfied. to be able to live (realllly live) each day in the moment. not racing to the next day. if i am always living to be someone else i will never really be happy. and it has calmed my heart to be reminded of this.

i have been repeating this to myself lately—

live the life you have imagined

this has been reminding me that i am unique and have my very own path. i can sculpt my life to be whatever i want. i don't have to be upset if i don't want to be. i don't have to live mediocre if i don't want to. i have the ability to CREATE the life i want. this fills me with joy.

God loves me. He really does, and he blesses me beyond my imagination. I am thankful to know that there is so much awaiting me. I have hope. I have passion. this is written on my chalk board : "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy path." proverbs 3:5-6

happy wednesday

my dream.

was a really artistic one. high five to my imagination.

i wish i could photograph it for you all to see.

in my dream, i was in china with stacie lang. we were grocery shopping because it was the end of the world. stacie kept grabbing sour patch kids for meals and i was trying to read chinese labels. my siblings were in the car and i needed to feed them for the next week. it was weird but the chinese market was really cool/erie. i kept panicking trying to find the means to make sandwiches. we were all living out of a van.

then all the sudden i was on top of huge concrete buildings. and in the background one of the buildings was falling apart, crumbling to the ground, and debris was flying in slow motion. a young boy with a stripped shirt was playing with a toy airplane. he raised it high above his head and made soaring sounds. i literally dove for a camera that was laying on the floor. i inched closer and snapped dozens of photos-catching the stormy sky, crumbling building, and stripped shirt. the boy had no idea what was going on. i loved it. it was beautiful.

then i looked down between the buildings (we're still in china), and there was a chinese shirt factory below. THOUSANDS of bright yellow and bright purple shirts were flying by super fast.

and i don't remember the rest.

carries on

im in love with this album

AND his johnny cash deepness

buy the album and you will dance

life is good.

hold yourself together

like a pair of bookends

whoops!

i should be grounded for this one

my horoscope today.

Hi Desiree! Here is your Daily Horoscope

It's extremely difficult for you to stay focused and on task today, so don't expect to make much progress on detail-oriented work. The good news is that you may be hot with a wild brainstorm! yea. i noticed.

the best is yet to come

On Self Love- this comes from a genuine woman that writes about things that matter. things to learn. please read before reading my remarks..

this month marks my 24th birthday and my 6th year being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. 6 years! A young man in church recently said, "the best part about getting older is watching the Lord 'grow' me"

i love that.

i scribbled the reminder in my journal.

it's so true.

i could never predict the way my life has turned out to be. i could never have predicted the pain i've endured, though small compared to others, but personal for me. i could have never predicted the amazing things i have learned. about myself, about life, about the incredible amount of love in friendships and among my family, about courage & strength, about the atonement of Jesus Christ, about pure joy and passion in my photography, about loneliness, about inventing myself

i could have never predicted how wonderfully happy i could be (even in, especially in, my loneliest of times) in my relationship with God. it is something so very personal and precious to me. it is something for everyone to find for themselves in their own life at some point. it is the root of true happiness. the kind that is everlasting. the kind that doesn't break up with you. the kind that you wake up, get out of bed for.

there are plenty of people, media, ideas, your own thoughts in this world that find ways to cut you down. plant thoughts of doubt, and worry, and fear, and ugliness in our heads.

THE TRUTH IS THIS:

you are a child of God.

you are talented, blessed, special, beautiful, strong & unique

you can do hard things

you are here to do great things

you are needed

i wrote the other day, "there is a hole. like part of me is missing. and i patch it to get through the day, but when i look under that bandaid—it's still there. how do i fill it? how do i forget it?"

dear sad girl,

little by little, God is filling it. he takes the sting away one day at a time. i overflow with the amount of love he has for me. for blessing me with seriously inspired and loving friends. the ones that wake up in the late hours to comfort me and ache with me. the ones that change the song on the radio cause they know how it hurts my insides. the ones that send me love letters. who listen to me fall apart. who just listen. my prayers always begin with thanks for these sweet beings.

there are even better things to come.

i am eternally grateful for a God that knows me.

who knows how to love me

who knows what is better for me

"And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned."

some days

are easier than others

swimming in the flood

joshua brown took this image.

and i just love it.

i'm allowed to right?

i want it in my kitchen.

we ate breakfast foods at this cute lil bakery and ordered one of those cake cookies, are they called whoopies or something? they're TO DIE for. we also ordered raviolis with pesto. this was in december in slc. and i dream of eating there again.

one day you will go, away, from this

some days

i lie on my floor,

as flat as i can,

and i close my eyes

and listen to this song

hot n heavy, pumpkin pie

i didnt take many photos on my birthday

but here are some of my birthday things:
MOM these are the coolest EVER

i was so excited when i got the thing to work the first time!

it's magical watching it develop. it's like a fall in love every time.
speaking of love..

heeellllloooo NYC firefighter calendar...
britt knows me too well.. art and cake and sculpted men! what's better than that?!
homemade. deliciousness.

well i have have had a seriously busy week/weekend.

i'm using tomorrow to catch up/read/edit/write/meditate/get a massage

today my hair is curled and it seems i will go running and mess it up =]

i have 3 serious goals for this week:

-go to sleep early (ish) this should read: get ample sleep

-watch the words i say (no cursing, no gossiping, no talking negative) whoops!

-read my scriptures devoutly before bed each night

i can do that.

I recently had an AH HA! moment. it all came together.

and although it doesn't stop my heart from hurting or loving or wanting

it does make me happy and content and excited

i realized that it is time to change perspectives

and the moment i began to- i was filled with hope

and love and stillness

my mind stopped reeling from one sad thing to another

and i feel a lot of peace for doing the best that i can do

one of my top 5 goals from this past fall was to "let go of anything you can't control" and at the time i saw that manifest in little things, but as for lately, this is a difficult thing to learn to do. but i am doing it. and i wake up everyday and try some more and i rely on my savior and again, he helps me to know how.

i keep saying i need to write a book on how to get through grief and heartache

i swear i'm a pro at it by now

but, thankfully, the book is already written

and it's titled: The Book of Mormon

we love him, because he loved us first

this was today.

i keep telling you utah is pretty. but really—it is.

i want this image blown up and made into that neat photo wall paper.

and i want floral wallpaper, have i mentioned this? like the kind in my grandma's bathroom.

i'm suppose to be learning about action potentials and the potassium/sodium pump but i just hate it.

i am soon going to post my list of goals (i still working on writing them for now) because i need to reorganize some things. for one, i need to develop more charity. i'm selfish at this.

i also want to be on a regular sleeping schedule. maybe i can get that under control. my dreams/immune system are hating me.

another goal/fun project i began (and want to finish soon) is a sweet album of all my favorite images over the past year. this is already turning out gorgeous.

AND i keep thinking of how i want to spend my tax dollars. i'm pretty sure i'm buying my favorite lens with it. but i kind of want to go to fiji instead. or go on a wild shopping spree. but really it should go into my savings.

this morning the only reason why i woke up from my nap was because i was thinking of the chocolate covered marshmallow on a stick (which i bought the night before with Rach for our b-days). i ate it in my bed. it was kind of amazing.

i keep making POSITIVITY lists in my head.

like lists of all the positive reasons why its good to be single

like lists of all the positive reasons why i'm blessed

like lists of all the positive reasons why i don't want babies

it's kind of working=]

prettyness

THIS wedding.

it has all that i was dreaming up in my head.

i LOVE love love it. stunning. gorgeous.

i want it.. and i adore the cute lil photographer...

the style is a lot like clayton austin..hmm.

i have a lot to do. and some thoughts that maybe i will post on later tonight.

today i tried to nap but couldn't. my mind hurts and my throat hurts.

hands down.

the best part about my birthday..
was this precious girl

hopping up on my lap

looking me in the eye

and telling me,

"you're beautiful."

when she squeezed me hugs goodbye, she said in my ear "desiree, i love you"

and i wanted to cry.

God still loves me.

cuz there are priceless lil moments like that that bring me joy.

knock and it shall be opened unto you

she whispers,

"remember who you are. remember you are a queen."

glue this across my face..

and then get a "be calm and carry on" poster (you know the one with the crown..i know you know. they're ripping all over blogs..) and wrap my body in it. it will be like im my very own optimistic birthday present.

still smiling

still breathing

looking on the bright side

i'm beginning to.

remember the year that i got dumped on christmas day? and then i got dumped again on my birthday that same year?

i was on a roll.

reaching forth

"We are vulnerable beings. We were born, and we will die. But today, while we breathe, we live deliberately."

-photographer and gorgeous mother, kelle hampton

"I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone, nor to yearn vainly for yesterday however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we experienced, then we look ahead, we remember that faith is always pointed toward the future ‐‐ faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives."

—Elder Holland

"This one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus"

— Philippians 3:13‐14

we must go on

i promise that is the last one of these that i share.

for a while anyway. they just get me every time....

two days ago, i served a woman that was in labor. at olive garden.

like-came into the restaurant in labor cause her mom and husband we're hungry.

she rocked in her chair and moved around and listened to her ipod and put her head on the table and practiced breathing.

this woman was in serious pain.

i felt so bad for her.

her sweet husband stroked her arm and rubbed her neck.

her sweet husband ended up packing his meal up in a hurry and rushing her to the hospital..

the end.

hey! i made it through another day! victory in my book

goodnight sweets