my confession

all this excitement over dear kate's royal wedding reminded me of a comment i made when i was a little girl.

i feel awful to this day for my comment. or maybe now i finally feel awful for this comment because i now understand it.

it was when princess diana died. i was in the living room with my dad.

the announcement came on the news. it was late at night.

and i started cheering.

cheering.

like my hands in the air.. awful.

im a terrible person.

but i was young. and i truly believed that leaders of every other country aside from the US were our enemies. i really thought that was true.

so naturally, i thought our enemy was killed off.

i thought it was a time of celebration.

terrible. im really just a mean person. my dad got so furious with me.

he yelled at me. and i knew i had done something bad. (like the time i called a boy from school a bastard in the 6th grade, and dad asked, "do you even know what that word means?" .."no.." whoops)

needless to say, im 24 years old and i still feel terrible about cheering the day the sweet princess was killed.

lucy. some people would get us mixed up at work. i take it as a compliment.

i like her.

im terribly sick from running in that hail that one day.

curses.

one more final to go then i get my brain back.

love yahs

sometimes

i have memories in my head. mental images.

and i can't remember if they really happened or if they were something i visualized as i was reading a book.

long ago.

my boring life.com

i had this exact thought today.
turns out happiness is completely in your hands.

your choice man.

someone recently explained to me a great change i could make in my life.

one that i have known of.

one that requires less looking out there and more looking in here.

i am using the next week, month, summer and year/life/infinity to devote myself to more of myself. the real parts. the parts that have passion. the parts that thrive in colors way too saturated but rustic at the same time.

turns out i just won't settle. that could be my number one.

i won't do it. not with myself, not from him, not from any one.

i have expectations. and i will not be lowering them for you or me in this case.

and this makes me feel 1. relief 2. joy 3. hope

look at this sweet photographers perfect engagement. sweet.

and then look at the artist who made my business cards once..i find him funny.

ive been having anxiety thinking about how horrible my diet has been lately. i think that if i post about exactly what i eat (hence me confessing) then maybe just maybe i'll be more inclined to change my ways. i swear. normally im such a good lil health nut.

diet to date:

73% easter candy

7% string cheese (low fat!)

10% cereal (trix, multigrain cherrios, cinn toast crunch)

10% bean and cheese frozen burritos

no joke. throw some stolen olive garden in there every now and then…

hmf.

HENCE i went for a guilt trip/desired run today.

half a mile into the run it starts pouring rain. i continue.

i see lightning in the distance. i continue.

it hails on me about mile 2. crap.

i got home drenched. but i completed it.

it felt good.

then i did the splits.

still kickin

jimmy, me, this poor guy, and 200 santa monica beach goers

my favorite flowers ever

happy images.

i got on here an wrote a bit

then i deleted it without really thinking.

it was negative.

it's time for an intervention. a big one.

i'm not sure what its going to take. (i just imagined myself running some crazy olympic obstacle course in the mountains with bright orange running shorts and contorted facial expressions. so weird)

BUT

but

i've gotta get grounded. get back on track. clear my head.

dear self, i know i forgot about you for a second but don't worry. finals are almost over. still love you, me

TODAY

although i want to punch jillian michaels in the face half the time--

and scratch at her ugly tattoo,

this made me almost cry today.

reasons why i live

i received this in the mail today:just a card.

with a lion on it.

and a perfect note inside.

"howdy".

and confetti (of course.)

i wanted to cry and laugh and squeeze my grammie so hard.

its hilarious.

and this is only one of the billions of reasons why i love that lil lady.

here's a poor quality image of us from my video thingy from my trip home:

cool.

when youre here

i decided to laugh today instead of studying…

www.toothpastefordinner.com

im literally hungry all the time lately.

its almost annoying thinking about eating so much.

and all my girl scout cookies are gone. i just mourn.

do i really have to wait a whole year? why didn't i buy a whole crate?

what was i even thinking?? i kind of want to cry over the peanut butter ones…

today i set some new goals in my head. cleared things up. reestablished. i need to write em.

i always heard people complaining about this time in their life. i never really got it. wrote it off as being a whiner. but really- it does suck. it is one of the most unstable and stressful times. not knowing where your life is going to go. not in a stable relationship.

living month to month. having no idea where you might be in 6 months, where you'll work or live. knowing what you want but not sure how youre going to get there at all.

it's been eating at me lately.

this time makes me incredibly thankful for people like this:

family away from family

ain't it funny how it works

dear men. particularly men in utah. particularly ones that lie to me,

i don't like you much.

you're tricky and crafty. and creative really.

it's almost admirable how imaginative and original your words are.

i'm not 19 any more. and i don't buy it.

good luck with that.

love (always) (cause somehow i will),

yours truly

tonight- i did one of my wild whip lash kind of dips on the dance floor and slammed my head onto the ground… my bad. still running a headache..

today- i played two games of ball and proceeded to snowboard

for my last run of the season.i almost cried a little.

i live for the little moments in your day when life is quiet for just a minute or two. you're alone. your eyes are on something beautiful. you can take one long, deep breath and everything is at peace. it's the best time of day. it's when i say my thank you's to God.

goodnight. i may hate men but life is so good still.

simplify

these made me cry

weep

today

i love my God

for my blessings

my eyes

the chance i get to love something so much

still running around...

2 minutes

so im really busy

and really stressed out

but LIFE IS SO GOOD

so good

i danced tonight

the boys were so good

i know i had plenty of studying to do but i will be doing that all day tomorrow

…and then i will dance again tomorrow night

…and then learn to west coast friday night…

there is so much happiness to be had.

happiness really is a choice.

"…look for the chance to smile."

chocolate overload

yes. im home.

and all i can think about is all the studying i should be doing instead.

the wind is blowing here.

i'm wearing dresses.

i kind of wish i was snowboarding.

i love my sisters.

i forgot how amazing it is to have a home cooked meal.

i spent too much money on accident.

BJs root beer is soo delicious.

i kind of think im starting to get my moms dark italian eyes…….

i love the way the sun feels when it's baking your skin.

salt water taffy.

kisses on the lips from g-ma

i get to hear my niece's (ok they don't know the sex yet..but it's a girl) heart beat tomorrow

and i think i have strep throat.

love yahs

wish it was warmer<3

happy monday

home

i've had some SERIOUS addictions lately.

like real bad. like i have to talk myself into desiring other things. think of ice cream cones des. think of unicorns.

addictions (all of these have been real. and real intense):

-girl scout cookies (heaven help me have an addiction to the gym)

-listening to country music

-chocolate/sweets/bread/thai food/indian food/pasta/kneaders OK food in general

-peeing with the door open

-trucks (i almost hit a median cause i was rubber neckin)

-snowboarding

-dancing (this is getting out of control)

-babies

-playing with my hair (this drives me nuts but still i do it 79.8% of the day)

-cutting class

-cutting fruit (maybe this isnt an addiction..i just enjoy it.)

-waking up every 2 hours to drink from the water glass on my night stand

-tricep exercises

-wedding planning in my head

-praying for sunshine (really just a tan)

-making lists (of places i want to eat when i go home)

-dreaming (of running away with the boy eating strange foods and reading)

ok so maybe it sounds like i'm getting fat..

and i hate addictions.

they're unhealthy.

balance desiree, balance.

recently journaled:

"life has been so different….

i can't wait to go home.

breathe different air….

the sting is gone.

his sounds have faded…

i need a sewing machine.

and a gun."

LIFE IS SOOO good. do i write this every time? it's cause when i stop to think, that's the conclusion i (almost) always come to.

i'm going to go attempt to study the immune system.

im a happy girl

today i have learned some seriously amazing things.

like spontaneous crying kind of learning.

i love the Holy Ghost so very much.

"God gave us families to become what he wants us to become"

i learned more about the man that i'm going to marry. my thoughts consolidated.

and it was wonderful.

i promise to be as open and nonjudgmental as could be in my quest to find this man..

as long as he doesn't wear utah jeans.

add that to my list mom.

the bar just got higher.

have a happy sunday.

mine is going to be utterly amazing!!