Wednesday, September 26, 2012

consider yourself worthy

as i was cleaning out an old back pack today,
i stumbled upon some old notebooks and lists ive made
i found a list of goals in 2008

i almost cried
i was proud to have accomplished everything on that list except
-go to seattle
-learn italian

i then found a paper that had notes that a priesthood leader once gave me.
it had his testimony on it.
it had a list of things i should DO to become the woman i need to be.
it had ideas on how to live worthy to be in the temple.

today i cried reading that list.
"make sure your schedule is not so busy
you cant do the important things.

consider yourself worthy 
of a valiant man 
and choose that valiant man."  2008

 this makes my heart ache.

some people are so very inspired.  they serve me like Christ would. they help me in ways they dont even know.   i weep out of gratitude to them and our God.

this makes me feel Heavenly Father's love and mindfulness of me.
flawed, rebellious, continuously imperfect me.
so many times i dont feel worthy
i dont feel of worth
i feel like my mistakes leave me used and tainted and too imperfect to love
often ive felt no man of God could really love me
and when i whole heartedly believe this
he tells me, Desiree this isn't true,  this is satan.

i haven't felt worthy of a valiant man.
i want it. i want to.

i know that i have endured enough grief and pain. i know that i have changed my life completely and in ways i didn't feel i had the knowledge or strength to do.  especially at the time that advice was given to me.  i was more alone at that time than any other in my life.

i was at rock bottom.
i was by myself.
and i could have gone in so many directions.
i fell to my knees.
i cried.
i hurt and i found myself praying.
with an empty heart,
i earnestly pleaded for help to be forgiven 
and have the power to forgive myself
i had nothing left.
i had no where to go.
i had absolutely no idea what the future held for me.

but as i kept my vision on Jesus Christ,  as cheesy as it may sound,
i felt lighter each day
his Spirit began to reside with me
and dwell within me
i sought after help from priesthood leaders when i wasn't sure how to be happy again
i followed their guidance as men of God
i did everything i could to invite the Spirit back into my life

and it took time.

my heart burns and my tears are warm.
i will forever know that God can help you change yourself.
i am indebted to him for his warmth and love when i didn't deserve it.
im forever grateful for the strength and inspiration i received on how to change myself.
i love Jesus Christ for being with me when I was alone.

God lives.
I can not deny it.
He is the reason why I am happy today.
He is the reason why I was able to change myself.
and He is the reason why I love myself now.

im thankful today, that i was reminded how much i have changed.
of how living the simple and important things each day make a huge difference over the years.

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