just another day

i miss my brother.

i went (yes i actually got up) for my 745am class this morning. my teacher is full of life like a 20 year old. he is teeming with passion. and i love it. he makes me excited about life.

he shared a video today about a father and a son. team hoyt. he shared a video similar to this

the son has cerebral palsy.

his father (not initially an athlete) has pulled his son in a boat, pushed him in a wheel chair, and rode with him on a bike in over 1000 races. including marathons and triathlons (6 being iron man). all because the son said that when they were running it made him feel free and happy. in 1992 they also ran/biked across the US in 45 days.

i am amazed by his fathers heart and love and ability.

his accomplishments are amazing solo—but multiplied 100 fold when pulling his son in a blown up boat.

crossing the finish line the father is only watching the joy of his son, seems oblivious to his personal victory.

and although ricks cerebral palsy is not the same issue going on with my brother, chad, it still pulls at my heart. what a seemingly unfair life for them to live. in the situation of rick, he has always been known that way. he has always had cerebral palsy. sometimes i think it is so much harder to know what my brother was like before. its hard to remember his per

sonality and his laugh and his height, and the way he moved. it makes it harder to see him now and miss those details about him. i wish he'd have the chance to have children and play and pursue a passion in this life.

my heart aches.

i hope that he dreams. a lot. i pray continuously that heavenly father holds his hand and is by his side—that he feels that love and comfort. i wonder what he thinks and if he knows i love him even though i am not there. i hope he's not in pain. i hope that there is some kind of joy.

i know if it were possible with chads situation, my dad would do the same thing to put a smile on chad's face.

i get a lot of crap from people at home and much of my family about joining the church. and im sure plenty of it without my knowing. and thats ok. i try to joke along with it because a fight will go no where on the subject. but i find it interesting that my method of coping, finding happiness despite trials of life, goes as "ridiculous, stupid, weird, unnecessary" (or whatever word you'd like to plug in there). when i fell to my knees in the bathroom of a hospital praying for my brother, i didn't intend to find an answer. i was desperate and my heart was full of intent and desire. and quietly i was answered. and i followed the little happiness and comfort i could find in that moment. and i still woke up crying from dreams where i was with my brother and he was ok. but that happiness grew as i learned more about what this life is about, how to be happy in it, and what will become of my future, and my brother's future. the gospel of jesus christ gave me my only hope at the time, as cliche as that sounds, it was the only thing to bring me joy. for that reason alone—despite whatever crazy things non-members would like to think—i know that God does live and he loves me and he is with my brother every day.

and this is the only way i get through my day.

and i know this is a little heavy and should probably go in my journal and not on a blog, but what is there to hide?

life is good =]