FOUR DAYS TIL CHRISTMAS

last night i did a 360 in my car

on accident.

imagine

kris and brenna. sealed yesterday. super stunning couple. super freezing day.

a couple days ago i had some very strong feelings (surprise!!)

and i got on this ol' blog and wrote something really great, if i must say

AND then

the rainbow wheel went to town. just spinning away. preventing anything good from happening.

the computer froze. and the post was lost.

i've been so disgruntled about it, that i haven't blogged again. and i can't remember the details of the post, so i'll let it go. lost with time. =)

curse you rainbow wheel!!

im seriously, deeply passionate about a handful of things in life.

like bookstores.

I sat in one the other day in my favorite section

and read books on:

guerilla art

living a creative life

the career of a designer

creating a vintage home

graphic design

national geographic images

and i thought about a couple of things.

i literally spend at least two hours a day following photographers work, reading about them/their work, learning and seeing

i know that by doing this not only am i in love, but i am improving

BUT sometimes if i let my focus wander, if i let my perspective be influenced—I get discouraged. i feel like i can never get there.

there is something that i have heard, and now have a real testimony of. and i will make a sorry attempt to describe it..

do not let other judgements (or your own) immobilize you.

allowing fear (of any kind) in immediately shuts off creativity.

there is no set way to accomplish anything.

life does not have to go in any certain order, at any certain pace, or in any particular way. building a life is meant to be free and creative.

there is no wrong way to do it. if someone thinks your work sucks, if someone doesn't like the decisions you have made, if you are living outside of the norm—who cares. where is the rule book? who is setting these standards? who is to say you can't reach your goals on a different route? take the harder path, step outside your comfort zone, try something you don't know how to do, push yourself

these are the things that will help you improve and grow and continually reinvent yourself

my greatest fear is to be confined by these such fears

to stop creating

to be bored

to stop dreaming

to work a job a monkey could do

i will live the life i dream of and imagine. i will become exactly who i want to be if my mind allows. and it may not be the way others like. and im ok with that.

call me stubborn but i refuse to live any differently. i will always stand by the things i love, my values, and the beliefs i have. i don't need to follow a trend, or go to brooks institute, or wear fancy things.

i don't know how i got to be so stubborn about my ways. thank you mom if it was encouraged by you. was i always like this?

this post is about nothing in particular.

"charity is a gift from God...your love for all people will increase, especially those among whom you labor...you will avoid judging others, criticizing them, or saying negative things about them." -preach my gospel

one time. on a sunny californian day, we hit a couple golf balls.

dad shows my sister what's up.

im excited cuz i actually hit the ball.
oh he's dreamy.

today, (yesterday technically) was an awful day.

even when i rested my head for a nap, i had awful dreams.

But it will be ok

cuz when i wake up tomorrow morning it will all be over

last night josh took me on a date.

yep. it was WONDERFUL

he opened doors and everything. what a princess i am.

he took me to see A Christmas Carol at the Hale Centre Theatre

the building itself is super cool, and the play was really really well done

neat. it was so sweet of him to surprise me like that eh?

maybe i would like to see another one of their productions later this year..

today i ate 10 werthers hard candies.

they're addictive.

i did not eat dinner today. whoops.

i think it may be snowing outside but really—i have no idea.

snow is really sneaky. i like that about snow.

you just wake up and scream, I HAD NO IDEA IT SNOWED!!

well, maybe not everyone does that.. but i most certainly love the mysterious quietness of a fresh blanket of white

i hope this happens in the morning.

so much anticipation, i guess i should be going to bed.

i've been thinking about a couple of things:

shooting film instead of digital

antique shopping

making a new portfolio book

buying things

making pillows

getting my hair dyed

missionary work

snowboarding

making fudge and peppermint bark

how i might fail chem

putting air in my tires

wallpaper

well. goodnight. i'm going to go make a list of things to do tomorrow.

11 DAYS TIL CHRISTMAS

.the salter family.

really. the cutest baby ever.

adorable lil family don'tcha think?

cause without you things go hazy

it makes my heart swell. it's colder here. this is utah lake. i live a mile from it.

i write when i overflow.

it's an energy inside me that i have to free.

it usually comes out my eyes,

in liquid fashion. i find myself, some days, spontaneously crying.

REMEMBER

he reminds me.

BEGIN rant here...

the scriptures state the words, "remember, remember.." over and over. i have begun to highlight them. what is this about? we promise to remember the savior when we are baptized. and what does this mean? why should we do this?

the adversary tries to make us forget.

his sole purpose is to have us forget who we are. confuse our identity.

he wants us to forget our purpose in this life, WHY we believe and do the things that we do.

he wants us to forget the feelings of inspiration we have had. he wants us to forget our savior and loving God. he wants us to forget our worth.

the adversary wins. all. the. time.

i find myself begging others to remember. remember those days, remember those feelings, remember? I find myself begging myself to remember. please. remember the joy, remember the strength, remember the blessings, remember promises, remember he has given you power.

please don't let me forget this.

the savior helps me to remember. the spirit shows me forever.

in my dream i get lost. things are confusing. i have anxiety. life goes chaotic. and josh talks me through it and holds my hand.

he reminds me who i am. reminds me to keep dreaming. reminds me to be true. reminds me to be soft. reminds me reach my potential.

he reminds me to stretch a little.

he reminds me to not wear brown and black together

to think before i speak

to create

it's one of these times where all the pieces fit. and even though finals are tomorrow and i have barely studied, and i have 100 reasons to be stressed out—i'm not. my heart is calm. i am filled. when i begin to doubt myself, all i have to do is look around me. I feel so much love from my Father in heaven. He fills me so.

i keep thinking about this christmas season. and I am reminded to REMEMBER.

i don't care about the gifts, i don't care about the details, the dinner (ok maybe a little on the raviolis..).

just like all my silly worries, just like the dream where i had a crappy wedding photographer AND lost my veil—none of it matters. what is really important here?

Remember, remember— the savior

the blessings in your life

the people around you

your health

passion, talents, opportunity

i have everything i could ever need or want

i am forever grateful

the sweet goshey family

the people that surround me make me feel so very blessed.

i have the privilege of spending my life with the most lovely of all people

i really do.

the goshey family being among them.

life is so good.

i'm so very lucky. sometimes i forget, but when i keel to pray, when i "see" the world, when i interact with the people i love — i remember.

on gentleness

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law." galatians 5:22-23

at institute (my religion class) today

my (amazing) teacher says, "a true man of god is gentle"

and i thought about it

and he saw a light bulb go on in my head

and he watched me pick up my pen (thats when you know it gets good in brain)

so he called on me

and i was thinking "AAAAmen"

i told him i was dating the man of my dreams. and the whole class got all excited at this, and i said that's not the point. haha. and then i went on to say that THIS (being gentle) this one of the attributes that drew me to josh. My teacher asked me to expand on this thought to help the men in my class (oh dear teacher don't EVEN get me started on teaching these men the WAYS!). So i just told them something like this:

my man is gentle in the way he speaks to me, his tone-the words he chooses

ALMOST always

and it's the best thing in the whole world.

he is gentle in the way he treats me and touches me

no doubt my man is uber manly. he works hard, he shoots guns, he'll beat you up, his hands are rough, he's trying to grow a beard =]

and the world needs to know that you can be masculine and strong and still be gentle

and then i said more

my teacher thanked me for sharing.

he said the world has men thinking it is better to be rough, and aggressive, and thus abusive

it's true

i walked out of class and thought about WHY i love how gentle josh is to me

i have never noticed "gentleness" with any other man really. well not really toward me. i have a teacher that i always thought "i want to marry a man just like him". and HE was a gentle man. leaders back at home that i admire, are gentle men.

and i have concluded that i love this gentleness because it is like they're showing reverence to me

respect.

like you would never yell a prayer to God

you would never bang drums to God

you speak gently, you bow your head, you close your eyes

THIS is how my man treats me

being gentle is not weak, being gentle is showing great love and respect

this is one of the most wonderful attributes.

just yesterday i stopped to tell josh how one of my favorite attributes about him is how responsible he is. it's refreshing. but i changed my mind. it's his gentleness.

it's the best.

i want to try to live this way. more gentle. to everyone. with my thoughts too. with myself too.

i just got a text from josh saying he got the stain out of my purple shirt.

i love that man.

22 DAYS TIL CHRISTMAS

seek first to understand. then to be understood.

"if you plant two plants close together, the roots comingle and improve the quality of the soil so that both plants will grow better than if they were separated."

the growing demott family