chasing a starlight

i painted something. a friend asked me to post an image of it.

i wrote about a dream i had of my to be husband on this blog. part of that memory is on that canvas. part of my inspiration is on it. wholly, it's silly and technically awful. but it means something to me. reminds me to create. reminds me to dream. reminds me to always be growing. the quote on top reads, "without this emotion, we're only robots". so there it is. in all its childlike glory.

i have a billion and one different thoughts and feelings today. i haven't been posting like i use to, im busy, im distracted. i begin taking clients as a personal trainer next week and this is a start of a career that i hope will last forever. something i hope i will be successful at. i haven't had time to do the little things i love. i haven't gone on a long run in 2 weeks. i haven't sat down and read my book. i haven't sewen my current christmas stocking in months. i have photos to finish and ship out. gah! i swear i will catch up in a week.

but despite it all, i have enjoyed spontaneous loves. i sat under the stars this weekend at the lake. its the one place i know to always have a clear sky and shed layers of glowing stars. as a kid i would love to fall asleep to the bug zapper, and awake to the rythmic sound of the waves folding over the boat ramp. i remember my brothers and sisters playing on the slide together wearing our life jackets like diapers, and driving the paddle boat like a car. i remember picking arrowheads on the shore. i remember screaming at the frogs in the showers. i remember a lady with an H lettered name making acorn people. i remember the huge geese chasing us kids. i remember pushing my little sister on the rickety chair swing. I remember everyone in flip flops and algae infested swim suits. I remember breakfast at konocti and the celebrity pictures. I remember being so proud of my large family when we ate out. i remember learning to waterski.

while we were out on the boat, my dad's fiance said she was freaked out everytime my dad went fast on the boat. she would grip the handle bars. i was about to fall asleep. i thought about how much I trust my dad. I thought about how i would freak out if anyone but my dad were driving. i thought i'd be uncomfortable i would be with anyone else steering the boat. it's funny how much i still trust and look up to my father. i would do anything he said. i would jump off a cliff if he told me to. i don't know what it is. i guess years of him proving his wisedom and love, i have faith in what he says. kind of a weird thought. either way, i am very thankful to have a great father.

it's past bedtime and i haven't accomplished enough.

to view eliza and johnny's engagement photos, please visit desiredshots PHOTOGRAPHY

i am taking a quick break between editing eliza and johnny's photos (the dazzling couple below) and studying for my personal training test (tuesday!! eek!) to write down a thought or series of thoughts i had today.

number one, man, i really need to start my family history work. my grandparents don't have a lot of time left here.

number two, i love wearing heels and dresses in the grocery store. i dig the stepford wife ordeal.

number three, i feel the need to take naps everyday between 1:30 and 3:00. and i just don't have time to be tired.

number four, a man (roughly 40's ish) spoke in church today and i decided i want my husband to be just like him. he and his wife gave talks. they were both super cool and humorous folks. what touched me was a story that he told. he took his 5 year old son on their first "father/son camp out" in celebration around the time of the anniversary of the restoration of the priesthood. as he layed down that night he held his son and told him the story of how joseph smith recieved revelation, and revealed scriptures to his son. the father looked up to the stars, and relayed to us today--as he had tears in his eyes, a knot in his throat, that he wanted to be a better man. he wanted to be a better father, a better husband, a better priesthood holder. tears swelled in my eyes. he knew this is what he had to be because this little boy was going to follow in his footsteps. i looked over at the wife, thinking i would be balling if that were my husband (hah!), and thought of how lucky she is to have such a devoted, passionate, and loving husband. how sweet and tender were his words and feelings. it is gorgeous to see this pure and perfect love shine through in a seemingly chaotic and growingly darker world. i love that man for declaring his words with the Holy Spirit, and being an amazing example to the priesthood holders that were in attendance and listening. my list of what i want in my man just got longer =]

number five, i need a massage.

number six, i haven't gone running in a week due to a strain in my butt somewhere and i'm having terrible withdrawls.

number seven, i am drowning with excitement to go to the temple this week with a dear friend of mine. heaven on earth. im filled with peace just thinking about it.

number eight, a quote i found from an author that i have decided i must read his work, "The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes 'Awww!' "
--jack kerouac

number nine, thought: i hope i become a better public speaker.

number ten, i refuse to move to utah to find the man i want.

number eleven, everything is so perfectly aligned right now. im blessed beyond measure. i want to help people.

number twelve, at the gym the other day, i was assisting my buddy, teddy, in training a lady that was really deconditioned. she has terrible terrible posture and muscle imbalances. her hands and fingers are curled up. she limps with one hip swung a foot higher than the other. she has poor balance. she has very slow motor reflexes. needless to say, we have to work very slowly, patiently, and constructively with her. it is exhausting for her to take one step up a stair. i watched her as she was told what to do, then you could see her thinking about how to go about it, invisioning it, then telling her leg to do the work. she had to hold onto a machine to pull/balance herself. the strength in her legs are weak, and due to her poor posture and alignment, this is a challenging task. i had tears in my eyes watching her squeeze a rubber resistance band. it took everything out of her. she was working so hard. teddy cheered her on. he said this is the farthest shes gotten and has made such great improvement. wow! this hit me straight in the chest (and literally to the tear ducts). this is what i live for. this is what i want to do. one day this lady will trip and she'll be able herself because of the training were doing with her, instead of falling and seriously hurting herself. she now has more confidence, movement in her joints, strengthened muscles, and better range of motion. this makes me fired up to help others, get them attaining their goals, changing lives. keeping people alive. powerful work.

number thirteen, i love my God. I love that i have taken the time and effort to develop a relationship with heavenly father and his son, jesus christ. there is no greater strength and power and hope than in the atonement of jesus christ. if we could even EXPERIMENT the smallest particle of faith in this, our savior, then joy and happiness and rich blessings will pour forth in ways you never even imagined. i don't 'believe' this is be true, I know that it is true. and in your heart you know it too. joy is to be had. and by all. and we are all his children. every one.

the end, my friends.
=]

it's time

to fall in love, i guess

kissey mania 2005.

i've never been so sleepy.

i've been craving pickles. and graham crackers.

"Finally, bretheren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." Proverbs 4:8

i was over worked this weekend, and lack sleep, thus i am cranky. but i had a smooth and successful weekend nonetheless. and i love the lovely things in life that the author of proverbs wrote of. these pure and lovely things are all of God. and in this I swell with joy. im going to go tuck my cranky, grateful lil self in. happy mothers day.

i love you mom! thanks for always being my number one fan

oh yeah, im busy again.

to update the world, being namely my mom and perhaps a loving friend or two, i have recently been generously nudged into being my NASM which is a certification that i need to become a personal trainer. i spent a last weekend in SF going through a super rad workshop that taught me a ton. and i am gungho abouts it. i've got a lot of photography and schedule changes as I am taking on this new position, so although i am living my dreams, im also stressed to get it all going this month. this is a very good month. i want to name a daughter Mae. cute.
heres my latest idea:

it's not until you realize that you aren't missing out on anything, that you can find peace




on may 5th.



it is 1:45 am. i have been laying here for 2 hours.
i should be asleep
i should be in someones arms
i should be exhausted

but instead i'm looking out the window, getting up to pee, planning out circuit training for clients that don't exist, oh and meditating how kissey face romantic my engagement shoot is going to be this weekend. the weather is hot but looks cold.
my nails are freshly painted.
i want to be a well known photographer.
i want ot figure out my company "image". i need to chat with tiana.
i want to change someones life.
i want to talk with Jesus Christ.
i want to raise children.

today, i stopped a grandma and asked her where she got her peep-toe red flats.
i want them.

i keep thinking about proper posture. i keep flexing my abs to tuck my tail.
i'm pretty sure im ready to cut bangs into my hair.
i like boys that are artists.
i need that connection.
and when i want to be in love so badly. alarms go off.
and his constant phone call isnt what i want at all.

i miss italian lesson walks and making cakes for no reason.
i truly love the people that surround my life. i wish i knew how to better help these people.
i don't know what to give or say.

what would i say to post secret.
i post a good deal of them here.

i am weak
i am susceptible
i am human

but i will be strong
and i will get up
fore i am God

i love this room
i love my freedom
i love to see

i can make the time
i can refrain
i can forgive


goodnight rabbit

the babe named jayden

and his girlfriend, brea::