surviving a miscarriage.

i wish i had something i could say that would immediately uplift and bring a burst of joy.
a secret answer.
a key that unlocks it all.


i keep thinking it will just hit me. just wake up one day and will be doing much better.
but it's not really happening as i thought it would.
and nothing has happened as i thought it would.


revelation number one: how did i not really know that life wouldn't go the way i imagined it would?  you play out in your mind your growing up, going to college, meeting the man you'll spend forever with, you'll have your home, you'll have your children, they'll grow up to be normal and successful, you'll be grandparents, you'll retire in a sweet, warm, modest home and you'll die peacefully at an old age.  And you think--mostly, as you are an intelligent, "normal" functioning human that these will be natural steps, somewhat easy steps that just happen in life.  You imagine them going well...  Why doesn't anyone tell you that its kind of horrible sometimes?  Why didn't you have any idea that the getting married part can be so hard and painful sometimes? Why didn't you know that having babies isn't so dreamy?  how come no one told me?   my sweet friend and i talked about this a couple weeks ago.  she mentioned that maybe we don't warn others and others didn't warn us because we all want to have hope that maybe it will go that way for others.  kind of letting them enjoy the innocence while they have it.

i think she is right.
i hope when you find out you're pregnant, you feel elated and bliss and a high
and that you never have to know the heartache.
i wish for that innocence that makes you feel like nothing bad could really happen to you.
that is a gift.



i haven't been writing at all. i don't have organized thoughts right now, but i wanted to get out what the past couple months have been like.   I feel like the first month after the miscarriage was a dazed, shocked, survival mode.  I spent a lot of time cleaning/organizing.  Like feng shui would take my pain away.  Also we spent a lot of money - shop therapy.  it worked a lil. Mostly I was in diapers and was a hot mess emotionally, but I got up everyday and knew I had to force myself to put a smile on.  Everyone was making us meals and sending the sweetest notes/cards and flowers.  I felt numb, but there was so much going on to distract.  Distraction is a good word for what the first month was like.
I distracted myself. And it worked well.

Once that wore off, i did a lot of self talk--telling myself I am ok, remembering Heavenly Father's plan, reminding myself of the bigger picture.   With a miscarriage--everything seems small and immediate. I don't know if that makes sense. Actually its like that with any traumatic event--it is all that matters and all that you can see at the time.  So the second month, I tried to talk myself through it. The second month is when people stop taking care of you and everyone assumes you're fine.  Physically that month sucks.  Its the time your body begins to really not feel pregnant and thats a hard thing to feel when you want to be pregnant still.  The self talk was working for me though. I told myself I was strong.  I felt like I was doing pretty good. I was into my normal routines and was functioning just fine.  I even photographed two births that month.  I mostly felt pretty pumped off my pep talks. I felt joy and had fun and avoided things that would make me really emotional.

Month three, my body was feeling completely like my own again. Part of that brought my a tinge of excitement that I could mountain bike and exercise and maybe work on getting in better shape now that I wasn't pregnant. Month three and the beginning of month 4 is where I am at.  The past couple of weeks have been the hardest emotionally for me.  I've had a lot of bad dreams and for some reason falling asleep has been harder. Sometimes when i go to bed i find myself remembering parts of the miscarriage or think about where I would be now.   I have cried myself to sleep several times in the past couple of weeks.  I just have been much more sad than I wish i was after a couple months.  I find myself randomly getting emotional over it--while i'm driving or exercising.  I'm just having a hard time lately. The physical part of being pregnant, like memories of what it felt like physically, are fading more, which is sad to think about, but it has helped me to move forward i think.  i'm kind of just hoping the sadness i've been feeling lately will subside and get better soon.  i don't feel depressed at all. not like moping around and hate everything. i've had mostly happy times, but there are moments almost daily when i suppress a cry.

During the miscarriage and right after, was probably the closest i've ever felt to my husband. it was just a raw time. we were open. he showed love and service to me that was....all I can think of to describe it is Godly.  The way the Savior would love me.  I'm kind of embarrassed and secretive about how sad I've been feeling lately. I don't know why it sparked up worse now than in the beginning. And my husband has seemed to handle everything fine and got over it long ago. It's like it never happened.  But inside me, i'm just not fully healed. And i'm not sure what to do with it.

I sat in church yesterday and thought about leaving. theres approximately one billion pregnant women in my ward and probably 10 newborns. my mind is shouting that it isn't me. then it's shouting what a brat i am for not feeling overjoyed for their happiness.

i just didn't know that "having babies" wasn't JUST having babies.