to be

my dear sweet husband to be leaves for a business trip for 6 weeks right after we get home from our honeymoon (i'll be basking in thunderstorms in the dominican republic this time next week!!)--so this means i am getting back to writing.

getting back to a lot of things.
like running.
and reading.
and genealogy work.
cooking.
helping other people more.
and getting on my bike.

to name a few


in 5 days, i will be a married woman.
for so many years i have felt so ready, but always so far away from being married.
i have wanted it and have worked for it and have racked my brain on preparing.
and for 27 years, i have waited.  i have failed over and over.

and now, it all is right.
i get to win this time.
its frankly a strange and humbling feeling.

i feel so very lucky.
soo very lucky.
andy is such a good man.

i have dated good men but not like this.
i had come to the point where, inside, i talked myself into "needing to be OK" with a man somewhat less than what i really wanted.
i came to a point where i accepted that what my relationships were, was what my life would be.

i didn't think there was a real good man left, that i adored, that possibly loved me back.
i am truly humbled.
i feel thankful and blessed that such a good man, would love someone as imperfect and obviously flawed as i am.
i am honored to be marrying my sweet andy bell.  i love that boy to the moon n back.

images by tavis johnson photography

did ya know

Its true, i am engaged

Pretty images by Tavis Johnson Photography.  

on wearing clothes.

ive had a repeated thought.


maybe everyone experiences this to some degree, maybe others are smarter than I and bypass it--
but some time when i was a teenager it took me some time, some experiences before i realized it is not COOL to cuss.
do you remember this?

it took me some time to realize that drinking actually isn't cool at all.  it's many other things.

it has taken me more years than i would like, to realize that sex isn't cool.  it's scared.  and it is really something i still have to work on to know that sex, intimacy, or anything physical at all, is not where my worth comes from.

it took me some time to realize that it really isn't better or cool or more sexy to dress immodestly.  i began dressing more and more modestly as i investigated the church and became a member.  i didn't dress that way as a teenager.  i wasn't a bad girl, but i didn't dress modestly.  and i got attention for my legs or abs from being athletic.  and that felt good. i felt like my hard work paid off on my body, and i was proud to like my body.
then as i became a member, i didn't quite understand modesty or the reasons why it was important, but i did it anyway.  i tried to be as obedient as i knew how to be.

and i just realized something this month--
sex, my body, my feelings of self worth, the way men express love, my insecurities, my natural comfort level---are all a little bit messed up from my experiences in the past.

they are messed up.  i can read books and talk logically about how i know its messed up, but it doesn't change that it is.  so im working on that.

and i think andy is the best thing for me.
for literally the first time in my life, i don't feel like my man wants a girl with big boobs.
i don't feel like my man is wishing i looked different.
i don't feel like he wishes my skirt was shorter, or my top cut lower.
i KNOW he likes when i am modest.
when im not showing too much skin.

i adore this about andy.  he likes me most with less make up, clothed right, simple hairstyles.  i don't have to look like a celebrity/porn star to get my mans attention.
whew.
i honestly have not felt that way before with other men.
and how grateful i am for andy.  what a good man i have.

and honestly it feels like the weirdest (and most awesome) thing.
when i am getting ready to go see him, i never feel like i have to try to win his love by showing off my body. i actually am more conscious about NOT being immodest because i know he prefers it.  and i love that.
  he loves me just the same in sweats and a tee.


so finally, after 27 years. i am beginning to see how i dress, differently.
my sisters tease me that i dress like a grandma.
and yes i wear sleeves on everything. and nothing is lacey see through.
and nothing is too short on my belly or legs.
and i feel better!
i feel more beautiful.
i feel better about myself.
i feel like im loved for me and not for what my body looks like.

i feel like a womans value increases as she dresses appropriately.
we don't have to unconsciously beg for love or attention or acceptance by showing skin.


and if men in our lives don't love that.  drop em. find someone that respects and loves that you are modest and beautiful for so many other reasons.

my one big goal for 2014

well..

this is the time of year to contemplate change and improvement and fresh beginnings.

but i have been muling these type of thoughts over for a couple months and have tried in a couple different ways to invoke change but to little success i feel.

i spent the first half of 2013 in one relationship, and the last half of 2013 in another. 

2013 for me held a lot of anxiety.

a lot going on in my head.

and a lot of personal growth internally for me.

i feel stronger from the experiences ive had.

in the middle of the year, i spent several months serving in a calling that required a lot of my time and energy, a lot of my heart and love.  and it was probably one of the most rewarding and definitely the most spiritual times of my life.  i know that a mantle, a power, a strength was placed on me during that time in that calling.  i had the Spirit with me in a way, a strength, that i've never felt before.  it was remarkable.  i felt like i was constantly seeking to know what the Lord's will was, then went and did it.  

this may sound like a boast, but i don't mean it in that way at all.

i was just willing to be an instrument. thats all.

everything i did and said, the work that was done--was all Him.

he led me.

it was the best feeling in the world.

the beginning part of the year, i was wrapped up in some big problems.

i have been in 2 serious relationships where the men were pornography addicts and last year, i finally found myself attending the Church's 12 step program for wives/families of addicts.  

it was one of the best, scariest, most painful, and most rewarding experiences ive ever had.

the Spirit in those meetings is only comparable to that of the temple.  i became close to the women i met there and learned what it really means to edify one another.

there i learned SO MUCH.

so much about myself.

so much about the pain others carry.

so much about addiction and the sweet men that struggle.

so much about my Savior.

i finally began to heal internally.

i learned COMPASSION for what i felt like was the first time.

i would look at people i knew, strangers, people that annoyed me—and i knew they too struggled with insecurities of their own, they too surely had quiet things that pained them

and i felt love.

i wanted to help people. i wanted to take everyones pain away.

i had true compassion on people.

i judged people so much less during that time.

i saw people differently.. i began to see them more like Heavenly Father must see them

following my calling, i felt prompted to move.  6 months ago i moved to Farmington, Utah.

an adorable, pretty small town.  i truly love this quiet town. 

its a safe little wedge cradled against the mountains here.

i found myself, here, in a spiritual lull though.  

i'm trying to think of all the reasons why i got myself into this rut, and perhaps there are many.

one thing i thought of today was that ive stopped writing on this blog.

writing here is not for the purpose anyone elses benefit but for time to reflect. time to document what i learn and experience.  a place for my thoughts.  

in my patriarchal blessing, there is a line that ive considered often concerning taking quiet time to be alone to ponder.  

writing does that for me.

so in effort to lift myself out my lull,

im going to write more.

i have a list of other things i want to do and try as well, but this is a big one that i want to commit to.

today in sacrament meeting, a gentleman got up and spoke about how awesome it is to be perfect with scripture study 7 days week, but that its also ok to only find yourself reading 5 times a week but still trying for 7.

i looked around the room.

i chose not to take the sacrament today.

i've repeatedly made mistakes and felt i had repented but obviously not.

i keep thinking in my head about what i can do to really change.  i know i want to.

its not a matter of will. its a matter of what will motivate me. 

nothing precious enough has been taken away..

so i didn't partake of the sacrament.

something very sacred and meaningful to me.  

something i truly don't take lightly, despite my previous actions.

as i scanned the crowd, i knew no one very well.

a bunch of strangers, giggling and passing notes. 

i was happy to be in the right place, but felt disconnected.

like the weeks, months before—i sat there telling myself 'somethings gotta change'..what should i do…i made a mental list and resolve to be better at x, y, z…

and the thought came to me to get up and DO something.  

start now.

so i walked up to the pulpit.

its fast sunday, so this was appropriate haha.

but i went up and said something along these lines:

jeff spoke about something that reminded me of a great lesson i've learned. i feel like im the one jeff was speaking about. the one that reads 5 days a week, but somehow, despite all my desires and efforts, i can't get 7 days in for the life of me. life hasn't been perfect or easy the past couple of months, and it shouldn't be.  i don't know why i ever expect it to be.  but i've been sorely imperfect.  ive been incomplete.  ive fallen short.  ive made mistakes.  but i wont stop trying.

i never will stop trying.

my testimony, even though i struggle to always be obedient, is steadfast. and it is immovable.

i may fall down.

but i will ALWAYS get up again.

i know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true.

and how grateful i am to have truth in my life.

i know so many that do not, and my heart aches for them.

many years ago, when i was a recent convert, i asked my bishop "how do i prevent the spiritual highs and lows in life??" i just wanted to consistently, always be awesome.  he didn't give me much of an answer but left it up to me to figure out.  it wasn't until about 2 years ago that i think i figured out the answer.  it is: continued repentance.  DAILY repentance.  immediate repentance.   there must be an Uchtdorf analogy of the airplane, but if we DAILY are correcting our course— realigning often with God, then we will never get so far off.  

this consistency is important.  

i knew this.

i learned it.

and i still got myself off course, because i didn't take action.

i didn't work on it.

and like changing any of our bad habits or personal weaknesses, it is really hard to control.

but if daily, i realign myself through repentance, i have no doubt i can improve myself and my situation.

so instead of feeling overwhelmed by new years resolutions to be a super human, im going to commit to quick and continued repentance when i do fall short this year.   i will never stop trying.  

this is my number one goal for 2014.