home.

“I want you to tell me about every person you've ever been in love with. Tell me why you loved them, then tell me why they loved you. Tell me about a day in your life you didn't think you’d live through. Tell me what the word “home” means to you and tell me in a way that I’ll know your mothers name just by the way you describe your bed room when you were 8. See, I wanna know the first time you felt the weight of hate and if that day still trembles beneath your bones. Do you kiss your friends on the cheek? Do you think that anger is a sincere emotion or just the timid motion of a fragile heart trying to beat away its pain? See, I wanna know what you think of your first name. And if you often lie awake at night and imagine your mothers joy when she spoke it for the very first time. I want you tell me all the ways you've been unkind. Tell me all the ways you've been cruel.Do you believe that Mary was really a virgin? Do you believe that Moses really parted the sea? And if you don’t believe in miracles, tell me, how would you explain the miracle of my life to me? And for all the times you've knelt before the temple of yourself, have the prayers you've asked come true? And if they didn't did you feel denied? And if you felt denied, denied by who[m]? I wanna know what you see when you look in the mirror on a day you’re feeling good. I wanna know what you see in the mirror on a day a day you’re feeling bad. I wanna know the first person who ever taught you your beauty could ever be reflected on a lousy piece of glass. If you ever reach enlightenment, will you remember how to laugh? Have you ever been a song? See, I wanna know more than what you do for a living. I wanna know how much of your life you spend just giving. And if you love yourself enough to also receive sometimes. I wanna know if you bleed sometimes through other people’s wounds. And if you dream sometimes that this life is just a balloon that if you wanted to you could pop—but you never would because you’d never want it to stop.”

― Andrea Gibson

i ate the last of my girl scout cookie stash tonight.
and despite how dreadful that truly is,
i am grateful my heart could love someone so wonderfully.
from the deepest parts of my desires. i want to know what he thinks.
i want to know what he dislikes, what he worries about, what makes him happy.
i want to hear all of his memories and hear his voice.
i want to trace his hand writing and laugh over exaggerated stories.
i want to cry with him and ache for his pains.
i want to shelter him and protect him.
i want to make him lunches with his name on it with a treat inside.
i want to love him every single day.

what material i have

I tried to calculate today, how much time I would count as "wasted" in a given day in my life..

"Today is here.  I will start with a smile, and resolve to be agreeable.  I will not critisize.  I refuse to waste my valuable time.

Today has one thing in which I know I am equal with others--- Time.  All of us draw the same salary in seconds, minutes, hours-- 24 Golden Hours each day.

Today I will not waste my time, because the minutes I wasted yesterday are as lost as a vanished thought. 

Today I refuse to spend time worrying about what might happen.  I am going to spend my time making things happen. 

Today I am determined to study to improve myself, for tomorrow I may be wanted, and I must not be found lacking.

Today I am determined to do things I should do. I firmly resolve to stop doing the things I should not do.

Today I begin by doing and not wasting time.  In one week I will be miles beyond the person I am today.

Today I will not imagine what I would do if things were different. They are not different. I will make a success with what material I have.

Today I will stop saying 'If i had time', for I never will 'find time' for anything-- if I want time I must take it.

Today I will act toward other people as though this might be my last day on earth. I will not wait for tomorrow. Tomorrow never comes."

-john longden

heart and mind

hello world.
hello mum.
hello to me in a year that may reread this to remember and relearn.


life lesson no. 54 that beat through my vessels lately:
a dear friend taught me,
you can understand and sympathize with anyone
if you just look into their heart and mind
when you try to see the root as to why they do what they do, say what they say
even the worst of criminals and people that have walked this Earth
most were likely not purely evil and filled with hatred, but they were messed up, something happened in their life that gives reason to why they are what they are, or perhaps they really thought that what they were doing was for a good cause

when you seek first to understand, then to be understood (Covey for you friends)
thats the only way to be truly nonjudgmental
this can prevent and dissolve so many of the disputes, anger, and pain amongst humans

boy this isnt always easy to do
especially when others punch our hearts
and maybe this will take me a lifetime to learn
but i sure hope i can remember it often

a manner of happiness

what i want. what i really want. is what consumed my thoughts the past 7 or so days.

hearing the prophets speak this weekend reminded me to be strong in moving forward, looking forward.

to learn and keep moving.

to pick my head up. to look at all my blessings. to be confident in the greatness around me, within me, and in front of me.

i want a family.

and i want every other person to stop telling me that im young. that i shouldn't focus on it. that i have so much "living it up" to do at this time

i just do. i want a family.

i want my own home. not paying rent to a stranger. not living with other chics. not temporary.

i want a permanent home. 

a home i can create.

i want bricks. maybe a wall of them. 

i want warmth in that home. not just a heater maybe, but the Holy Ghost. church music playing quietly sunday morning.  photos of my favorite temples. of the Savior. of prayers in those rooms. 

a grey wall. my images on the wall. the smell of my grammies dumplin soup. a moist chocolate cake.

an oversized bed. a cold pillow thats as flat as can be. socks on the ground. flannel sheets in the winters and the smell of fresh laundry.

dance parties in the living room.

fresh flowers in the corner. holiday garland.

kind words. babies crying.

why does something tug at me inside? why do my dreams include a warm sweet baby in my arms and that sweet n sour smell, the thin blue blanket tucked around him? what makes that happen inside me? why does it make me yearn and my heartache? 

i want to use my brain

i want to help people

oh i really do.  i think i could be more useful than i am today.

i want to serve people more. something i didn't understand until this past year.

i want to give of myself more, my time, my energies, my money if i could come upon some.

i want to be charitable.

i want to use my passion

i dont want it to become dormant

i want to explore and create and dream and notice all the pretty around me

i want to be light. be inspired. 

i want to share my passion with others

my passion for the gospel, for pushing/running/seeing/riding/climbing/eating/reading/hearing/becoming better, my passion for life : i dont want to waste it

i want to love someone

well i want and do love so very many

how lucky is that

but i do dream of loving a man that loves me too

who wouldve thought this would be such a difficult thing to find?

i want a man that loves God.

i want a man that is humble enough to lean on me when he feels bummed 

a man that thinks i hung the moon

a man that feels for me what President Monson expresses in the beginning of this message..

and i want a marriage that is built on honesty.

i want the open communication to talk about things we don't see eye to eye on, to work out issues, to handle money, to handle the problems that will surely come

i want a man that looks me in the eye. everyday.

that accepts my flaws and faults and imperfections for what they are

and is patient with me as i strive to improve them

a husband that lets me dream and doesn't think im all the way crazy for it

i want to be sealed in the temple. to be hand in hand in life. and to not let go when its less than dreamy.

i want to learn more

i want to ride my bike up mountains that i looked up to, and never thought i could

i want to push my babies out

i want to run on the beach at least once a year please

i want to remember that im powerful and special more often

i want to save all the children in the world somehow.

i thought the other day, im so mad at satan. i dont want him to hurt people any more...

i want pretty music in my ears

i want to be able to breathe out of both nostrils simultaneously right now...

i want a job that doesnt feel like im a slave 

i want to see my grandma and visit with her, eating grilled cheeses

i want to kiss my nephew 

i want to live in utah forever maybe

i want to do the splits like its nothin

i want time to slow down and speed up depending on the minute

i want long hair and his hands in my hair

i want to be a wife and a mother

but for now im just a lady.

just doing the best i can to be happy today.