there are a couple of things i need to write about. things i need to remember.
we're coming up on almost being married for a year.
this past year i've experienced two things i was not expecting at all:
1. the trauma and heartache of miscarriages
2. being overwhelmed with responsibilities as a working wife/being the perfect wife
i realize we live in a time where we like to post on social media/blogs about the happy and pretty parts of our lives. right? we follow people that we wish our days looked like theirs. that we were off traveling, reading books by the pool all the time like they somehow are. right??! i sometimes feel tempted to not write on my blog the past year or so, unless i have something lovely/happy/inspiring to write on. but gosh, I AM SO done with not just being what i am. and being OK with whatever that is.
I was recently given the counsel and opinion to not write personal things on my blog, from the perspective of someone reading this blog from my photography website as a potential client. they also said, though, let your personality and WHO YOU ARE show through your website.
well... this IS me. wah! here i am.
I have a ridiculously handsome, talented, and loving husband. I have a marriage I am thankful for. I have a darling home that makes me happy. I have talents that bring me joy. I have a photography business that pushes me, fuels me, and makes me proud. I sometimes make cute little things with my sewing machine and I enjoy reading in bed with clean, white sheets. I have a seriously "pretty" life and i have so many blessings. but this year. I have also struggled personally. my insides. and I think the world has tempted us to hide our struggles.
I confided in a trusted friend recently what i've been feeling and she thoughtfully suggested a wonderful book that i'm in the middle of: The Gifts of Imperfection Brene Brown talks about owning our story. And that's what i want to do. "Shame keeps worthiness away by convincing us that owning our stories will lead to people thinking less of us. Shame is all about fear. We're afraid that people won't like us if they know the truth about who we are, where we come from, what we believe, how much we're struggling, or, believe it or not, how wonderful we are when soaring (sometimes it's just as hard to own our strengths as our struggles)....We have all experienced shame/have shame...Shame needs three things to grow out of control in our lives: secrecy, silence, and judgement." I know the word shame makes you turn away. eek! You are probably unconsciously flashing back to feelings you feel associate with shame. Perhaps you already stopped reading because you do not like those feelings which were triggered by the word.
so if shame thrives in secrecy, Brene suggests--own your story. get your story out. share those feelings with someone you trust that has earned the right to hear and share in your story.
there are many different ways we feel shame. it's that rush that comes over you when you're embarrassed by what you did or who you are. shame is when you just don't feel like you're enough. and you hate feeling like you're not enough, so you hide those feelings, in hopes no one else notices.
many of us feel shame to some degree daily!
many of us have also developed ways to cope with (or mask) this shame.
my story: (and i noticed reading this book how excited and intrigued i was to hear about other peoples stories. why do we love hearing other peoples "secrets"?)
my miscarriages have been so hard on my heart. yes, there have been two in the past 6 months. i think a miscarriage is so difficult to recover from because it knocks you down severely in a spiritual, physical and emotional way-- all at the same time. it is hard to mend all those areas at once. i feel like overall i've done a pretty good job to recover. i've done the best i can. but it is still hard. i still have moments where its fresh and where i feel a sting of pain.
i don't know if many women feel this way when they get married, but i have an idea of what kind of a wife i want to be. i have a standard that no one has set or expects of me (not even my husband) but myself. this standard includes: keeping a clean home (im a bit ocd i realize, and clean for me is a pretty high standard), having a cute home, providing healthy, yummy meals, looking good/being a healthy weight (exercise/eating well), and spending time with my husband/expressing love to him. I have had a serious/ridiculous grudge about working full time and trying to uphold my above stated standards. its hard to work all day then come home exhausted and need to think up meals, make something, clean crap up, etc. it has been overwhelming for me. I WANT to be those things and do those things. I want to. I feel like it is my responsibility to do those things. my husband is amazing and never asks me to do better in any of those areas--doesn't even hint to it, which i am so grateful for. but I hold myself to this standard. and it has really been hard for me. throwing the tidal waves of hormonal changes with the miscarriages and my sad heart in with this pressure i have to be a perfect wife, perfect hard worker, perfect mormon, perfect athlete--and you got a huge melt down waiting to happen.
and the melt down did happen. some time in january it went down. my immune system was low. i had been sick all week. my shoulders killed from so much tension and stress knotting them up. i could cry in an instant. i felt go go go to do everything and be everything. i constantly was asking andy to pick things up and help me out and keep things perfect with me. my heart and mind and body were way behind in the race i was trying to win. i was hurting. i kept building on top of it, though, instead of addressing my crumbling foundation. i was expecting an impossible perfection of myself.
so i resolved to do something. to do anything. if nothing more than offering my husband something better than an ocd, stressed out wife and honestly, unhappy life. he deserves better than that.
it is foolish to think that you can be a good spouse/parent/friend/etc without being a good, healthy place. i decided i didn't want my anxiety and struggles to ruin my marriage. so i vowed i'd make changes.
i woke up after the melt down and wrote in my journal. i spent hours reading up ideas on how to destress. i made a list of things i thought i needed to be healthy or happy. this began my quest to take care of myself. this began my quest to try to figure out how to not care about dirty dishes, stinky clothes on the floor, work pressure, and macaroni and cheese meals. i didn't want to feel shame any more for not being perfect.
some specific things i decided i would try to resolve my above struggles:
+running regularly- it has been my therapy for years and i've been in an exercise funk for the past year which is stressful for me and makes me feel guilty
+use therapy balls on my neck and shoulders while i am at work to relieve pain from stress
+stretch each day when i get home from work-i havent been doing this haha. my hopes were that this would calm me down and help me relax when i get home. i usually come home and run around doing chores in a stressed out panic as i never feel like there is enough time in the day
+only do real house cleaning on thursday nights, and do 10 minutes of picking up each day- this is the most influential change i have made.
+essential oils when im stressed out- im in love with doterras "past tense"
+positive mental perspectives-this has included telling myself at work that i will just get done whatever i can get done in 8 hours, and i will not be staying late frantically trying to please customers. this has also included telling myself "its ok if its dirty, it will get cleaned thursday night". i also have repeated to myself "if i want a clean house, i need to clean it myself".
+ sleep- i took a day off work at this time to sleep. as i was sick i spent several days taking nyquil once i got home from work and slept 12 hours 2-3 days in a row. this was huge for me to do for my body.
+massage-got the best massage of my life (scott at segolily, bountiful) which helped my tense neck/shoulders and aligned my body. it relieved pain i've had for the past year in my upper back for nearly 4 weeks--THATS incredible for me
+eat better (totally loaded and vague i know. and overwhelming haha)
all of these things, excluding the stretching which i havent done, have been really helpful for me. other's should make a more personalized list tailored to their personality but this is what i needed. i have recognized this past month that i need to do some SELF CARING. i dont need to be stressed out about creating award winning meals or even cooking every night. its not a main priority when im falling apart. i don't need to feel stressed that we dont have family home evening and i am inconsistent with scripture study and i havent mopped the floors and i barely got dressed today--my priority right now is just being in a healthy place.
self care for me right now is including saying no. to not filling my schedule. to only helping people when i really have time to and have the energy to. to spreading myself less so i can focus on just being OK.
i also made a list of things that could help me repair physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, outside of the list of ways to relieve stress from my life.
this list included:
-going to the temple
-having a clean/orderly space
-watching a movie
-making a craft
-good smelling shampoo/conditioner
I knew i could do any of the above things when i was feeling overwhelmed and it would help relax me and make me happy
this past month of working on these things has been really good. i'm learning more about how i am and how to take care of myself. physically i have needed to care for my body and tend to myself before i can be able to move forward. i finally am beginning to not feel shame for where i am at and for struggling this year. i am enough. i am definitely enough. being imperfect IS enough. i may not be as "likeable" for being flawed, but i could care less at this point. being liked is not the top of my priority list.