the next morning

I woke up to the best sight ever

moon shaped windows

the day unfolded slowly
like perfectly slowly
like i was outside my body looking in at some points
the skies were blue and there was sunshine
a cooling breeze and all the colorful flowers in bloom

inside the temple i looked at myself in the mirror
i wiped a tear and observed the details of my dress, my mothers earrings, my plastered hair do
i felt beautiful
more than that i felt like i was prepared

i felt a feeling of approval from Heavenly Father
that i have lived the right way, done the correct things to be here, and i felt worthy of the blessing of being sealed to my sweet man

i felt proud
i felt grateful for all the hiccups that taught me and prepared me to be there
in that quiet room with gold accented fixtures

my husband to be seemed tense or nervous
he seemed serious
i sat beside him and closed my eyes
telling myself to remember this

i smiled

warmth enfolded me and tears flowed freely despite my perfectly placed makeup
i opened my eyes and saw another bride and groom sitting on an adjacent couch.  she slouched
almost uninterested at all

i looked at the chandeliers, the details
the colored grape looking wall decor and wondered why they picked that

i told andy that i wanted to be a good wife
i tearfully told my sweetheart that i wished his mother could be there that day


and goodness i felt her.
but how i wish i could squeeze her hand.

my mind felt clear.
it felt open.
it felt joy.

i felt like everything was happening just slowly enough for me to take it all in

i thought of each of my family members
my love for them
i thought of how i wished we could all be together in that quiet building, dressed in white together
i thought of how very important and sacred what we were doing is.
how it was going to change us.  really change internally.
and change our families forever.

i know i said other things to andy but i can't remember them
but what a perfect, perfect place to be
a special moment in time

then someone motioned to us, and led us away.

to be

my dear sweet husband to be leaves for a business trip for 6 weeks right after we get home from our honeymoon (i'll be basking in thunderstorms in the dominican republic this time next week!!)--so this means i am getting back to writing.

getting back to a lot of things.
like running.
and reading.
and genealogy work.
cooking.
helping other people more.
and getting on my bike.

to name a few


in 5 days, i will be a married woman.
for so many years i have felt so ready, but always so far away from being married.
i have wanted it and have worked for it and have racked my brain on preparing.
and for 27 years, i have waited.  i have failed over and over.

and now, it all is right.
i get to win this time.
its frankly a strange and humbling feeling.

i feel so very lucky.
soo very lucky.
andy is such a good man.

i have dated good men but not like this.
i had come to the point where, inside, i talked myself into "needing to be OK" with a man somewhat less than what i really wanted.
i came to a point where i accepted that what my relationships were, was what my life would be.

i didn't think there was a real good man left, that i adored, that possibly loved me back.
i am truly humbled.
i feel thankful and blessed that such a good man, would love someone as imperfect and obviously flawed as i am.
i am honored to be marrying my sweet andy bell.  i love that boy to the moon n back.

images by tavis johnson photography